Posts Tagged ‘spirit

16
Sep
19

Who Was Forced Into This World at Birth?

*****

Just a quick/simple question…

Who here was a forced birth? When you were born, did your mother go into labor?…or was labor induced before you were plucked from the womb? And, did you suffer in any way from the forced birth?

[Okay; maybe not very simple.]

I ask because I was a forced birth. And, I was subject to some “birth defect” as a result. And, looking at how my life has unfolded and continues to unfold, I keep getting this rippling, echoing feeling like I should never have entered this world, or this dimension. [Yet, another part of me pulls me in a different direction and tells me I am here for some special purpose that is written in the numbers and stars. It’s an on-going game of tug-of-war inside me.]

Now, after you answer that question, if you care to walk with me, be warned. It gets a bit “heavy.” And, you may feel the ground crumble from under your feet.

As I touched on in a previous post, I see so much in this world/dimension that is wrong and conflicts with my spirit. I’ve endured so much “crap” and see plenty of others suffering even more, at least, in ways I don’t even want to imagine much less see. I see plenty of people living in delusional ways at great expense while plenty more unseen or badly rendered faces get dragged through messes with authorities and militaristic policing forces. And, I start to wonder if the stories we write, so many that have been “dystopian,” aren’t unfolding as we write them…or if certain stories written long ago, perhaps predicted by ancient people, aren’t weaving into existence.

I am divided between the world around me which lacks friendship, self-esteem, cooperation and a little discipline, which settles for and offers little for slavery, lacks glamor/style and divides people like cold fish in a processing plant…and the world I see on TV which is either on the verge of destruction, even total annihilation, or “living the high life” of risk, wealth, drugs, marriage and lust. I see dreamy possibilities but no real and/or pleasant path to achieving them…nor do I comprehend what I would do once I reached that dreamy plateau…which makes all creative efforts fairly worthless, like building a house of cards just to see it fall. If there is a way to reach the “golden city,” it seems paved with traps, deception and torture; is it any different than being lured into biting an apple from a tree you were warned to avoid?

And, while all of this–and more–passes through my mind, I am sure some may breeze by my words and shake their heads or laugh at their foolish nature. You may tell me all I have said makes no sense or isn’t true. But, maybe, that’s just how you perceive this world/life. And, maybe, we each experience it differently. Maybe, no matter how we connect, we are each experiencing this existence separately and only seeing virtual reactions from the bodies/minds around us…isn’t that a terrifying thought?

So far, my only “saving grace” has been to be mindful of the good stories from long ago, of figures like Jesus being of service to others. I tell myself to help others when and where I can; so even if the rest of this life sucks and the world goes up (or down) in flames tomorrow, I can die knowing I did some good.

But, even that feels somewhat sad and empty…or, rather, I feel sad and empty when my thoughts shift to what seems to be missing in this life…love and friendship…comfort and acceptance…being in tune with the natural world as nature intended and feeling the fullness of my spirit as it was created, not simply repeating the words of some fabricated religion, telling myself it will get better. Talk is cheap, as some say. And, I am growing tired of talking. My spirit burns and yearns for something greater. It wants to sink my toes in warm, wet sand and let the symphonies of crashing tides and whispering woods fill it to the brim of zen/blissful completion. But, if this world is so crappy…if everything is polluted and some risk to my being…why? Why do I burn this way inside? Is it a mad trick to torture me?…like dangling a carrot in front of a hungry horse?

Advertisements
02
Feb
16

Anticipate an Explosion of Loving Thoughts

*****

Every year, when Valentine’s Day looms on the horizon, I get a certain amount of creative energy.  Sometimes, regardless of what love is in my life (which is typically none, zero, zilch, bubkiss), it explodes in some creative form from my fingertips.  This year, a leap year no less, is already exceptionally buzzing with that creative energy like a volcano ready to blow.  Without someone deserving of such Valentine adoration, it’s kinda sad and wasted.  But, it demands expression, nonetheless.  So, anticipate the appearance of several valentine e-cards and related images this year…this month.  In respect to Romania’s Dragobete (which is their Valentine’s Day of sorts), I will indulge myself between now and February 24th.

valentine-magic-bigheart-framed_wallppr-ap1200800-4DJhappyVday2016_OrkoGetsABigKiss!-SheRa-2

01
Apr
15

Fight On, Avril (Lavigne); I Salute You…

…but promise me I’ll never catch you faking.  No, no, no.

I heard about Avril, a lovely Canadian singer who looks smaller and younger than her last reported age of…well, you look it up.  She is reported to have been bitten by a nasty tick which gave her an onset of Lime Disease.  But, when she went in to see a doc and report the symptoms, they didn’t take her seriously.  So, she started adjusting her lifestyle to combat what was troubling her.

So, was/is it Lime Disease?  Or, something else?

Either way, from what the media said she was doing to take care of herself, I saw a piece of myself in the effort.  I feel she and I would get along well.  She’s got “writing chops.”  So, I continue to support and hold a torch for her.  [As long as this isn’t some April Fool’s situation.  I have low tolerance for lies and fake anything.  Which is why I started this piece with that lyric of hers.]

Who’s with me?

09
Feb
15

American Holiday Mash-Up 2015 Ahead; Getting You Ready

In case you haven’t noticed, there’s a warm front of holidays blowing through (the U.S.A.) within a week’s time ahead. So, I’d like to take this time to send out the following wishes for happy celebration.

To those of you who still value love and romance, happy Valentine’s Day (Feb. 14th).

To those of you who have a passion for patriotism and U.S. history, happy Presidents’ Day (Feb. 16th).

To those of you who are Catholic, happy Fat Tuesday (Feb. 17th) and Ash Wednesday (Feb. 18th). [For those who are less/not religious, happy Mardi Gras (Feb. 17th).]

To those of you who share a fascination with the Far East with me or who follow the Chinese lunar calendar, happy Chinese New Year (Feb. 19th), the year of the wood sheep.

And, to those of you who are romantic, patriotic, Catholic, Chinese enthusiasts, happy Valentine’s, Presidents’, Fat Tues’, Ash Wednes’, Chinese New Year’s Day. [Phew!]

holidaymashup2015-vals-pres-fatTues-ashWed-chineseNY_photogreetingcard-ap-22SJ holidaymashup2015-vals-pres-fatTues-ashWed-chineseNY_photogreetingcard-ap-33SJ
[If you need some help identifying the images in the enclosed artwork: 1) The big red thing in back is a heart for Valentine’s Day. 2) That’s Abraham Lincoln with the tall hat and George Washington behind him, the 16th and 1st U.S. presidents. 3) The powdery oblong object (doughnut) leaking raspberry jelly is a traditional (Polish/Catholic) treat. 4) That’s a thumb distributing ashes on people’s foreheads. 5) I would hope the last object on the right is obviously a sheep.]

15
Jul
14

No BODY Wants to Be Wrong

What’s wrong with a few curves? They just help you become a more WELL-ROUNDED person.

As for me, I’m a tad SQUARE. But, I brighten the room with my creativity and wit. I BRANCH out now and then. Just watch out for my ROUGH edges. They can be a little SHARP and result in CRITICAL injury. With faith and a trustworthy grip, you’ll prove a joyful MATCH and help keep the flame alive.

How do you hug a porcupine? You take a few pokes while disarming him with your charm and humbling honesty.

04
Sep
13

Have You Ever Been Deflated By the “Success” of Others?

That about sums it up.

Have you ever felt absolutely deprived of breath and any trace of feeling good by reading of or witnessing someone who has quite simply and amazingly done things YOU wanted without missing a step while you struggle to motivate yourself in the positive way or ways many of these people profess like steam engines that can never say NO or I CAN’T?  Have you ever come across someone so “chipper” and full of life with their future planned out in a perfectly neat little outline?  And, do you then look at your own idea/s of the future like a soggy mess of wet magazine clippings?  Have you ever seen someone basking in the sun with the wind in their hair like a goddess while you stood beneath a dark cloud waiting for it to rain upon you?

That is how I am often and presently feeling.  And, while I’d like to point fingers or sulk, I can’t help feeling like I am doing it to myself.  I am popping my own balloons.  And, I don’t know why I won’t or can’t stop.  Nor can I fathom how to get on that horse, race into traffic and carry on like these free-flying dynamos I encounter more often online than in person.

And, frankly, I am sick of this.  I am sick of myself.  I am tired of everything being overwhelming and making me uncomfortable.  And, the more time passes, the less “acceptable” I feel in this world.   And, I am tired of timidly reaching out only to feel stepped on when someone doesn’t “get me”.  I am tired of working with people younger and older than me with whom I fail to relate as much as those my own age.  I am tired of being viewed as a kid who never will grow up or be taken seriously.  I am tired of worrying I am not adequate for someone I find appealing.   I am tired of worrying about what baggage they may have simply from living a life I have not.

And, I am sick of others turning away for whatever reason.  I feel like a disease.  Yet, I get a number of people who come along and tell me what they all think I could and should be doing.   And, I don’t know how to process it effectively.  I don’t take what I hear and run with it.  I tend to dismiss or put it on a pile.  Yea, maybe someday.

I feel like I missed so many classes and experiences simply because I was afraid to budge.  And, I can’t see any group where I fit.  I don’t have a circle.  And, I know myself well enough to know I’d probably push back out of the circle if I felt I had been roped into one somehow.  I want in…but I don’t want in.  I want to be accepted, liked and loved…but I have a hard time making others feel that way or finding those who are genuinely in the right place and time to appreciate it.  I feel like an underclassman trying to be with one of his teachers.

What is it going to take for me to sort myself out?  What is it going to take for me to “get with the program”?  Am I ever going to break out of my single status mold and find the love I…at least, I THINK I…am seeking?  I just don’t know.  And, time keeps slipping away from me while so many just plow on through traffic like a routine or set of instructions I couldn’t read.  Everyone else sings the chain-gang song while I say NO and try to do things differently.  But, why?  What do I accomplish by NOT being part of the crowd?

 

Sorry, but you can’t just LIKE this or tie a string to it and forget about it while everyone else you might know glances at it, too.  This is my rant.  And, here, you are free/welcome to express your thoughts of it before I retract it.  I just needed to blow off some steam and perhaps be heard by the right “ear” out there.




Archives

Advertisements