Posts Tagged ‘revenge

30
Dec
15

The Grinch That Stole the Other Empires

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A long, not too long time–somewhere between a year and the whole Y2K fad–ago…
In a home theater near you…

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lukesfather-vader-reveal-spoof_starwars_ap3J

Darth Vader: Luke! I…am your father!

Luke: No. Nooo. It’s not possible!

Darth Vader: Search your heart! You know it to be true!

Luke: No. You’re not telling me something. What is it? Why does this story start at chapter four?

[Taking off his helmet, Vader reveals creator George Lucas.]

George Lucas: Yes, son. Uh, I believe I could explain that. But, unfortunately, as I am too old now to relate to the increasingly younger target audience for just about everything, I’ve already sold you to another man-child.

[George removes his face, a rubber mask, to reveal J. J. Abrams, creator of LOST and the Star Trek movie “reboot.”]

J. J. Abrams: Hi, Luke. I’ll be speaking for George, now. Unfortunately, I cannot say too much without risking my life. You see. I took his baby under my wing while selling my soul to another company at the same time.

Luke: J. J. Abrams?! I lost five years of my life because of you! Bring George back!

J. J. Abrams: I would love to do that, uh, Luke. But, I am so afraid of making the slightest mistake to further upset the fans who nearly torched their collections after the “prequels” did so poorly. I am so afraid that I copied ninety percent of the original trilogy into the first film of my own in the series. So, I will have to turn my commentary over to the real boss of all this.

[J. J. removes his face, another rubber mask, to reveal Mickey Mouse, the iconic face of the Disney Empire which swallowed Lucas’ work and J. J. whole along with Jim Henson and Stan Lee (and their respective empires).]

Luke: No… No. Not you. You’re the worst of them all!!!

Mickey Mouse: Tough luck, kid. You’re mine now, b!t@h! Huh-huh!

[Luke chops off his own head in hopes of never being turned into a Goofy parody.]

[Jar Jar Binks pops into the scene only to annoy Mickey who doesn’t realize the similarity between one orange clutz and his long-time co-star, Goofy.]

Jar Jar Binks: Meesa taking over the physical comedy roles, now. Uck-yuck!

Mickey Mouse: Not if I have anything to say abou– Wait. Did you just say “Uck-yuck?”

THE END?

<<ALTERNATE ENDING>>

[Jar Jar Binks walks onto the scene in his usual clumsy fashion, greeting his boss, Mickey Mouse, aka Midas Minos.]

Jar Jar Binks: Meesa back, boss.

Mickey Mouse: Uuh…Huh-huh! Aren’t you forgetting something?

Jar Jar Binks: Oh. Meesa sorry. Ehem…Uck-yuck!

Mickey Mouse: That’s better!

[Mickey pulls a black cloak out of his sleeve and fits it over his head.]

Mickey Mouse: Welcome back, my beautiful spy. You’ve done well.
Of course, it was my brilliant design, naming you after the future director of a cash cow I have long sought to hold in the palm my rubber glove, giving you the subtle likeness of my pathetic half-brother, Goofy. How I hated when that Lucas project stole thunder from my theme parks, not to mention my movies. Now, it is all mine.

Where are the other horsemen of the monoplocalypse, your partners in crime? Where are Jeronimo Piventas, Ryander Reynosold and Sethos Rogenda?

[Mickey/Midas refers to other bounty hunters under his leadership who pose as actors you may know by other names: Jeremy Piven, Ryan Reynolds and Seth Rogen. These four “horsemen” have a reputation for destroying films.]

Jar Jar Binks: Meesa last saw them at Starbucks, passing along your plans for changing the name to Mickey’s Star Wars Coffee House.

Mickey Mouse: Excellent. Phase two of my plan is about to begin…three years from now in a theater near everyone! Uuh…Huh-huh! Uuh…Huh-huh-huh!

07
Oct
15

Cappuccino Double Mocha Milkshake; When the Sh!@ Hits the Fan

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Warning: This rant/expose will be a bit graphic. So, if you are about to eat a meal or just finished one, please turn back now.

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There’s one more reason I hate coffee and will bristle when I encounter anyone who insists upon having coffee daily.

I thought I was having a chocolate milkshake. Instead, the cold Cappuccino double mocha milkshake had me. I mean…it fooled me and humiliated me. And, if I ever fall for something like this, again, I should just walk myself out into the middle of the street or wilderness and let the world have at me.

I actually appreciated the first trip to the bathroom after having a big meal.

Wait. Do I sound like a diet drink ad? Well, I sure feel like one. This had to be a diet purging powder disguised as a coffee drink. And, if that’s true, Hills Bros., you have poked the wrong hornet’s nest.

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By the third trip, one hour later, I was no longer relieved.

And, on the fourth trip, the shit really hit the fan…the back of the toilet, the bathroom floor, the plunger, the bathroom walls, my underpants, my pants, my shoes……

I had just finished disinfecting the bathroom and went to sit for five minutes with a sore, wet behind (one step from taking a shower to get over the mess) when I was summoned back to the big white phone a fifth time.

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That wasn’t the end of it. No. I made two more trips and practically dropped to my knees in prayer by trip #7. What was left inside me? Not much, I suspect. Not even an emergency banana (ala the BRAT diet) could save me the pain and mess.

I finally took my shower and prayed the whole time that I would not have to jump out and sit soaking wet and freezing on the toilet one more time…or paint the shower brown. Thankfully, as I type this, I have not made another trip (yet).

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If I was the sort to take legal action, this would be a whopper. [And, if you happen to be a noble lawyer reading this, today is your lucky day!] I feel like Kramer from Seinfeld suing for a burn from hot coffee. I feel like an idiot for trying the recipe. I even cut it back because I thought it was too much powder. [Though, I doubled my dose because 6 oz. didn’t seem like enough. Even the milkshakes and iced coffees I get at McDonald’s are bigger than 6 oz. And, they never had any effect other than making me talk a little faster for a while.]

You know what I’d really like to do? And, this comes from the dark little Scorpio side buried deep within me that rarely wishes to exact sweet revenge. I’d like to ship my soiled underpants to the manufacturer in a nice little gift box with a clever note and someone to take pictures of the staff’s reaction(s).

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Dear Hills Bros.,

Your Cappuccino double mocha powder is the shit. And, I say that emphatically after cleaning the entire bathroom on my fourth trip. Let me express my appreciation with this small gift of my soiled underpants. ‘Smells like a winner to me! Doesn’t it? Enjoy.

Sincerely,
Writingbolt

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I’d like to stick those soiled underpants in someone’s face. I’d like to serve the same milkshake to the staff and wait for them to run to the bathroom to experience the same agony I went through. That’s how I feel right now as I get the urge to laugh maniacally.

Forget suing for millions of dollars. Well, if I got a dream home out of the lawsuit, that’d be sweet. But, if all I’d come away with are a few hundred or thousand dollars, I’d rather exact my sweet revenge. If two wrongs don’t make a right, I think seven wrongs make the manufacturers fair game for some retaliation. Right? 🙂

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This is a warning to anyone who dares to purchase a particular Cappuccino double mocha powdered mix from the wonderful wizards of Hills Bros. DO NOT follow any directions that say you can drink it cold. Unless you’re inclined to stick your finger down your throat and barf til your teeth fall out and your ribs are showing. Then, please, have a milkshake…and a cheeseburger.




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