Posts Tagged ‘news

06
Sep
19

Mad Guide to Living Your Life Better, August 2019 issue

***

Pop a happy pill and drink some water before entering this matrix.

 

Every so often, there’s a new pitch for how to live your life better than you already are. And, often enough, the pitch switches sides, telling you what you previously thought is now wrong. For example, too much coffee…or, later, any coffee is not good for you. Then, turn around a few times, and it’s recommended for this and/or that benefit. And, that’s just the tip of the shit-berg.

Have I said this before? Coffee?

You may have heard gluten is bad…for some, anyway. And, the world screams as it changes all of its labels to read GLUTEN FREE PRODUCT, whether you’re buying cereal or sunglasses. [You think that’s crazy until you find rubber boots that can cause the big bad C and require warnings from certain states, telling people to buy and wear them at their own risk.]

Sunglasses. Now, those have been around for some time. But, did you know you should be wearing the best protective sort every single day to protect and prolong your life? [Did you know we are mole people and should be living underground to get away from the big bad sun which we need for vitamins and sanity but can also kill us?]

Did you know dangerous rays are all over the world and constantly threatening you? Do you have sunglasses as big as radar dishes covering your face? Well, you should. And, sadly–sorry, ex-military businessman with the nifty sales pitch in each of his different product ads–there’s nothing on the market that big, today. Latest news reports say you should be wearing big, goofy shades with 100% UV protection even on cloudy days, when people I meet think I am silly for wearing them. [I wear them on some cloudy days just because I suffer from social anxiety, in part due to poor distance vision which denies me from seeing some faces clearly.]

And, what goes into just about every pair of sunglasses? Plastic. And, plastic, lately, is getting a bad rap in the USA for being low on recycle-ability. I guess it has something to do with international relations, particularly China.

Plastic is quickly becoming a landfill and water supply hazard (while more and more people pitch frivolous kids’ products all made with some kind of synthetic fiber and/or plastic in this age of “everyone’s an online salesperson looking for a buck to party”). Which is kinda ironic, considering the push for plastic and recycling which so many if not all of us bought into all these years. Heck. We just recently invented plastic printers for making layer-upon-layer of goop to fabricate fun little things we never thought possible that way.

So, now, celebs are jumping on the aluminum bandwagon, again. Aluminum, in. Plastic, out.

Canned water? Unbelievable.  I’ve already had canned water.  Someone I know calls it “La Crotch.”  As if bottled water wasn’t sad enough. We might as well carry canteens everywhere; canteens outfitted with water filters. Hmm…..

If that’s too heavy for you, you should know that optimism is important to prolonging your life, some study says just to fill air time on the local/world news. Good to know. Right? But, pull up your pants and spit out your gum. Because, wait; there’s more.

Many of you out there are of the mindset that a vegetarian/vegan diet is the way to go; and poo on us meat eaters for slaughtering intelligent life. Cows have feelings, ya know! Well, recent reports say a vegan diet lacks certain nutrients key to brain health (including B12?). So, if you don’t eat your meat, you might lose your mind.

That reminds me. I have a chicken sandwich waiting for me…in a plastic container. Uh oh. No. Not the plastic. Well, yes, right now that plastic is a problem. But, so is the chicken. I don’t know if that’s a naturally raised chicken or one from a lab. I thought it was bad enough when I heard chickens were being pumped full of stuff to make them bust-ier for more meat on the bone. But, now I hear chickens are being made in test tubes because farmers can’t cope with raising them the old-fashion way anymore?

What the freak have we become when we no longer hunt or raise animals according to the laws of nature? Are we those freakish movie vampires that keep humans in giant blood bags to harvest blood? What’s next? Synthetic cow meat? Mutant strawberries? [Well, we already have those…just without the abilities to moan and walk.]

Let me just pause right there and scream for a minute at the thought of all human food coming from laboratories and/or factories. How F’d up does the planet have to be for that? Why are we prolonging the inevitable? Why not just nuke the whole thing and call it done?

Why are we waiting for the next big celebrity break-up song, pointless award show or waste-of-time-and-money charity (aka tax write-off) game show? Do I really need the lovely Taylor Alison Swift to tell me we are never, never, never putting this Humpty-Dumpty world back together? Why are we looking at Mars or wasting our time here? Mars is not going to be better than this if we are just as stupid as we are tomorrow.

You’d think I’d say “as smart as we are today,” but how smart do we really project ourselves? We keep thinking we’ll be smarter…and then something else stupid happens to make us think otherwise (or that’s just how modern man keeps pitching things to keep everyone scared little cattle chasing fool’s gold and feeding the wealthy).

Tree of knowledge? No, dumbasses. It was the tree of foolishness that made us think we were pursuing progress. We’re so far removed from nature that we can’t see the shit on our faces.

And, what about the big marijuana and vaping crazes? While many claim both are not smoking old-fashion cigarettes and fair to your health, recent reports say no marijuana is safe for minors and pregnant women. And, vaping is as bad or worse than the old cigarettes…for some reason, due to a marijuana ingredient? [Wha? T-That’s ridiculous!] So, if you are a stressed out pregnant woman looking to ease your mind, you already can’t drink alcohol or smoke cigarettes. And, now, marijuana is out. So, find yourself a hand to mutilate and go to town on that poor soul.

But, remember to be optimistic and live longer. Because you’ll want to live longer to buy more stuff to protect that longer life to buy more stuff and live a longer life until you can no longer lift your fingers and need a robot body to take over, buying replacement parts to live a longer life and buy more stuff to protect its hardware and software. Because, down the road, you know they’re going to have concerns for gluten-ous viruses and hazardous app drugs corrupting hard drives everywhere.

So, be sure to advise your future robot self to stay optimistic…if optimism is even a thing, by then, and not replaced with “optimalism.” You know…like optimizing your computer when it’s newly bought, taking out all the cheap promotional stuff that slows it down like a boot on a car. Nutty sales gimmicks.

[You may scream, now. And then, get happy.]

Live long and stay optimistic, mad world dwellers! Or, live fast, cheap and die happy. No suicides….be-hecause that would be crazy! I mean, you were brought into this world. You might as well get your money’s worth. Just try not to breathe too deep, run too fast or fly too close to the sun. Oh. And, ignore that tree over there.

20
Jul
18

Cherish Your Anonymity

*****

With so many suffering heavy punishment for speaking their minds via modern technology, it’s ever more vital we who do not “tweet” with our actual names spelled out on a glowing screen applaud and celebrate our “anonymity.”  We cowardly souls who bravely don costumes and vent as we feel fit when technology works with us; we should be comforted and celebrated.

It seems like every day in the news someone is getting grilled for something “offensive.”  We have squads of LGBT and feminism police officers, hordes of body-celebrating (instead of shaming) and various other armies going to war with the most sensitive of mining equipment capable of picking up the slightest blip of questionable commentary, increasingly adjusting the high standard of moral conduct until everyone who isn’t a violated woman or LGBT-type person will be guilty of offense and thereby open to verbal, mental and physical assault by the so-called victims.  So far, we without publicized names have been safe of retaliation.

I can’t speak for every offense case, but I would not be surprised if some offenses deemed fit for court or the loss of a job turned out to be misinterpreted.  After all, kids on a playground can cry wolf and have a teacher call a parent simply because the tattle-tale had a sweet face or stronger voice than the supposed offender.  And, who is to say some of these offensive voiced bits aren’t said at times when the speakers are not in the best of moods or right minds?  I know I don’t subscribe to alcohol or recreational drugs.  But, others do.  And, just because shit comes out of one’s mouth three years ago on a bad day does not mean that person is anti-gay or a chauvinistic maniac.

And, what if someone is a tad gay-phobic or unclear on the nature of that lifestyle?  Is every inappropriate remark worthy of jail time or a giant fine?  Are we catering to lawyers so they can put their hideous faces and names on every item advertised on local TV?  I don’t want to see so many lawyer ads.  I don’t want those people thinking they run the place just because they are getting old and think investing in a little advertising everywhere makes them immortal.  You TV lawyers have really become annoying!  And, I will not likely support you or any cause/company with your name on it because you are (annoying).

But, I’m getting off-subject, now.  Ehem.

You really have to mind your words and be sure you don’t touch another living soul lest you be accused of inappropriately fondling someone.  A pat on the back could be deemed the grabbing of a breast (on your back, apparently).  A sociable kiss on the cheek might be viewed as unwanted intimacy of the worst kind unless you can certify you are from a nation that does this socially as a part of their native culture.  Parents who kiss their kids on the lips?  You’re likely next on the chopping block.

One wonders if “social media” isn’t a mousetrap.  It lures people out of hiding to voice every little thing to come into their tiny brains…only to get them in trouble?  Snap!  You’re dead and out with the banana peels you slipped on coming in here.

But, I suppose, being anonymous DOES have it’s setbacks.  I mean, people are less trusting of random or fake names…unless you learn to share a sense of creativity and/or humor and can spell correctly (which so many cannot).  [Stop trying to speak English if you cannot use a dictionary.  I don’t use Spanish words I don’t know how to spell.]  You can’t really be a shopkeeper with a fake name, can you?…unless it’s a brand name.  But, even then, you have to be accountable for that shop with a real name/some form of ID.   People who use their real names seem to be taken more seriously because they seem fearless and, well, real, genuine.

[Yet, in this shady world of face-less interaction–unless you use some service like Skype which seems already forgotten these days–how do you determine a real face you see is that person’s real face?  And, how many “faceless” internet users stalk those “real” people, taking advantage of the exposed while remaining randomly generated user names, often with long barcode-like numbers attached, giving me the impression they are “bots” or some call center staff members in a building dominated by Middle-Eastern folks by the dozens?]

It seems astounding that more celebrities don’t use fake online names/accounts.  But, maybe they do, and all we know are the ones we hear about in the news when some mosquito with a microphone or phone-camera is stalking these people.

Once upon a time, people kept personal thoughts on parchment scrolls they had to carry with them wherever they went.  If anyone else read them, it was because the author read, lost or donated the scrolls.  Many years later, people kept notebook-style journals, especially teenage girls, who would lament brothers and parents violating their privacy.  Now, we have computers of various capacities and sizes.  And, instead of a PC journal like the one Doogie Howser, M.D. kept, so many turn to blogs and these accursed “tweeting” type accounts, putting everything “out there” for the world to see and LIKE and shallowly evaluate from afar…from anonymous spaces.

In short, those of you who have not put your real selves out for all to see, ye who do not YouTube your boob lube and hash-tag your new ‘do rag and personal mag’ (magazine), blippity blobbity blah!….  My blood pressure spiked just then and tangled my tongue-fingers.  Or, is it my finger-tongue?  Anyway.  Those of you, like me, who create unique identities for themselves online for whatever reason, embrace and applaud your anonymity, today.  And, count your blessings.  Because you could be somewhere down the list of those moral-criminal-hunting Elmer Fudds and receive severe punishment for the slightest misunderstanding or careless outburst on your worst day.  But, for now, you’re Joe Cool and free to be loose with those journalistic lips.

[We should start a holiday.  But, no one seems to follow me on those thoughts any better than I follow others.  So, I guess I’m limited to suggesting and waiting for some trendsetter to print up all the hoopla and manufacture all the swag.]

Happy Anonymity Day(s)!

19
Feb
15

The Menzel Mishap, the Untold Oscar Awards Story

You may know John Travolta and Idina Menzel.  You may have heard about or seen the former mispronounce the latter’s name and the humiliation that followed.  But, what you didn’t hear or see is what was happening on the other side of the teleprompter, a teleprompter run by a Doowap Shenanana.  Tonight we bring you new information from a discovered phone call between John and a close friend shortly after John left the stage.  It may surprise you.

Martin (another friend/associate of John’s):  Hulo?

John:  Yo, MARTIN. GET SHORTY for me.

Martin:  Uh, all right.  Hold on.

Michael:  *snort*  Hulo?

John:  Mike!

Michael:  Ow.  Dude!  There’s no need to SHOUT!

John:  LOOK WHO’S TALKING!

Michael:  BE COOL.  All right?  You okay?  What happened?  I mean, I saw it, but what was that?  SHE’S SO LOVELY.  I mean, that Idina Men–

John:  Yeah, yeah.  Whatever.  Listen up.  Here’s what went down.

Michael:  Okay.  But, don’t give me the MOMENT BY MOMENT, though.  All right?

John:  Shut up.  Don’t make light of the WHITE MAN’S BURDEN.  Look.  It was like some horrible PHENOMENON up there!  I was SWEATin’ like a WILD HOG!  It’s a miracle I’m STAYING ALIVE!  So, I got a job for you.  There’s a doofus in the control room here at the Awards who’s about to cause me a ton of grief.  He crossed THE THIN RED LINE.

Michael:  You want me to rough him up?

John:  Nah-nah.  That’s too BASIC.  I want you to BOLT over here and GREASE the punk!

Michael:  Isn’t that a lil SAVAGE?  I mean, these days you don’t get away with that stuff too easily.  And, it’s not like your credit is all that good.

John:  Mike?  You and I are good friends, right?

Michael:  Sure.

John:  We’re OLD DOGS, URBAN COWBOYS, TWO OF A KIND?

Michael:  Yeah.  Of course, man.

John:  Then don’t question the SWORDFISH!  This isn’t PULP FICTION.  I’m the PUNISHER, here!  I don’t want a FACE/OFF.  I don’t want a DOMESTIC DISTURBANCE.  I want this BOY IN A PLASTIC BUBBLE.”

Michael:  Okay.  Okay, John.  You got it.  I’ll be right over.

John:  Thank you, Michael.  Stop over at the WHORE SHACK, later, and pick yourself up something nice.

Michael:  Gee, thanks, ‘boss.’

John:  Oh, and MR. KOTTER?  WELCOME BACK to the family.

[Oh, and a happy belated birthday to John Travolta (Feb. 18th).  This was just a funny thought that came to mind as certain TV personalities refuse to Idina Menzel.  By that I mean they don’t let it (that previous Oscars mishap) go.]

30
Jul
13

Likes or Cooties?

When I was a kid, cooties was a huge topic of concern. Cooties was the one thing you didn’t want tarnishing your reputation. And, once word got out that you had cooties, you had to act fast. Or, no one would want to be around you.

Well, nowadays, LIKES are the new cooties. Only, instead of being a bad thing, it’s something grown-up kids and kids alike seem dying to contract. If you don’t get enough LIKES, you’re a nobody.

I guess anyone who doesn’t regularly use a certain unnecessarily trendy website no longer matters to the media. Every known company who’s anybody has a “page” there. Celebrity talk is all about the “tweets” these days. [I doubt they write their own.] That must mean they’re cool. [And, the age of the average “celebrity” in the news seems to dropping rapidly.]

If you don’t know what a LIKE or a TWEET is and are still breathing, go dig your own grave. If you are over the age of 35 and unfamiliar with social media (as they call online interaction on various news-injected blog sites and message boards), plan your funeral now. Because, you’re dead to television and (likely) newspapers as well.

It seems even the biggest “news” programs (like “Today” and “Good Morning America”) and talk shows are resorting to internet trending topics instead of reporting strictly on the facts and figures (in their usual, over-dramatized and fear-inducing way). Funny web videos are the new news clips, and discussing how many likes something found online gets seems more important than than the story itself.

I’ve also noticed more commercials for adult diapers and gummy vitamins for adults because–apparently–adults aren’t taking their vitamins. What’s next? Kids babysitting their parents?

Grow up, people! Get your news from the horse’s mouth. Learn how to use a toilet and change your underwear responsibly. Eat your fruits and vegetables locally grown. And, get some genuine sun with sensible protection. Or, I’m telling your mother.

 

~A. P. Writingbolt, 7-30-2013




Archives