Article titled: Significant other moves at a different speed, Ask Carolyn (Hax,) 11-15-2020
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You can find my response to this and other letters on the designated “Responses” page. But, while you’re here, have a read.
The inquiring mind, Longing for Adventure, claims to be in a relationship with a SO (significant other) who has very different interests. They’ve been together a number of years and made some compromises to make it last. And, after such a long time, the more adventurous one is tired of compromising but looking for a way to save the relationship (or make a crucial decision). [I think the answer(s) is/are fairly obvious.]
Carolyn responds with a whip and a snap, accusing the inquisitive mind of thinking they are superior to the SO and in the right to demand more breaching of his comfort zone. She goes so far as to say kids should not be in the couple’s future. And, while that may be justified in fact, the tone of Carolyn’s response feels a bit harsh. [I suspect a nerve was touched, something from Carolyn’s own history/experience.]
My thoughts come in, hopefully, fewer words. [I don’t like when people think of me as long-winded.]
Longing, I agree with some of Carolyn’s thoughts. You and your SO should NOT…ever…consider being parents if you continue to be as you are. There is no good way for such different lovers to provide a happy, nurturing environment for kids. But, you didn’t even mention kids; did you? So, that was a little rude and intrusive.
I do NOT think therapy is necessary…if you consider the options I see for you:
- Consider this a wake-up call about the relationship. See it for yourself. Is this moment worth a break-up? Is this the time to end the un-satisfying relationship. See it and take action before your resentment gets any older. You won’t be any happier ten years from now if something doesn’t improve/change; and–odds are–it won’t. Are you a Sagittarius? That might explain a few things.
- Consider a better, fair trade-off. You take turns with the SO. You do something he enjoys without criticism provided he goes on one of your adventures without complaint. You both agree to this teeter-totter lifestyle and hope it lasts. [If you aren’t doing this, already, how ARE you living with each other?]
- Consider each of you pursuing your passions solo/with other people while cherishing the time spent together when you leave those pursuits for a time. Actors in relationships often have to live like this; one has a movie gig for a few months while the other may be working on a TV series; they spend less time together and cherish what there is of it. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, etc. Go on a trip overseas and promise to celebrate with your SO when you return. Let him go to some gaming convention, Comic Con, maybe, and hang out with other gamers and couch potatoes, promising to share his happiness from the trip when he returns. You satisfy your passions separately but still find time to meet in the middle of divergent schedules to enjoy the companionship factor…whatever it is that brought you two together in the first place. [Though, still unsure what that is other than probably a physical/chemical attraction, I am inclined to lean toward option 1 and seeking a peaceful conclusion to what was not founded on solid chemistry.]
There you have it. Were there more words? Perhaps. I won’t count if you won’t. 🙂
And, as one final thought, I share your thirst for adventure, even if I am not the most physically adventurous. I will not bungee jump or climb mountains other than on foot trails, most likely. I will hike with the best of them and thrive on cultural events. I will sky dive but won’t swim with any shark that could turn me into dinner. But, I know the value of relaxing on the couch, too, and can get quite hooked on gaming. And, I know the importance of chemistry and compromising.
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