Posts Tagged ‘letter

27
Jun
17

Dear Beth Behrs, (Part One)

*****

1118full-beth-behrs

You lovely, troubled blonde beauty who lights the room with her smile and radiant hair (preferably when it’s cut evenly, not too short and not exposing only one ear).

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Yea, not a good look.  The photo up top is much nicer.  Plus, in this photo, you look a little dazed or scared of the camera flashes.

Had I known we were such a match, I would have written sooner.  [You’re a lil on the short side but all right.]

You see, I had this whole thing planned out about 6 years ago when I first saw you don that crazy pearl necklace on 2 Broke Girls.  I was going to ogle–er, court you for a few years to get to know you. Then I was going to propose.  I mean, I had the flowers all picked out and everything…  Buuut, I guess some other guy beat me to the punch last summer.  Typical me.  Too slow.  Too shy.  And, late, again.

Actually, I’ve been fawning over you since the start of 2 Broke Girls but figured you were either too young or already involved with some hunk.  [I had some other predictions, but those shall remain in the vault for now.]

And, when I found the nerve and common sense to look up your birthday, I found some astrology factors that looked favorable.  [VERY favorable.]  I had planned a birthday surprise.  But, every time your birthday came around, I would forget and slap myself to remember the next year.

So, why am I writing this now?  Today?  Carpe diem.  And I thought…what the heck.  Why not?!  Message in a bottle.

Just recently, I learned about you suffering from panic attacks and anxiety since your teens?  What started that?  And, why did I first read about it now?  Anyway, I thought we are a perfect pair of nervous spirits who could play therapist to each other.  That or we’d sink the ship sooner just because we’d both panic and maybe not get to the meditation time and place soon enough.  [I’m not good at taking time to meditate.  But, I frequently use “active meditation” which is essentially daydreaming to unwind.  It can be quite hazardous to both memory and focusing on the moment at hand, which is often frowned upon by authorities like teachers and bosses.]

My eyebrow raised when I read about this horse therapy thing you’ve started…something about survivors of sexual abuse?  I-I-Is that what gave you the panic attacks?  Cuz that is a really particular group to focus on with horse therapy.  Why not social anxiety or the fear of horses?  Why not social media detox (as you wrote somewhere about the practice of letting your “smart” phone go rather than glue yourself to it)?

[FYI I’ve yet to ride one but loooove horses.  And, tigers/cats, squirrels…]

You don’t have to be funny to be sexy (or lovable).  [I prefer “lovable” to “cute.”  You have a certain mature look that sort of eludes the cute factor.]  Nor do you have to pose in skimpy outfits (which do nothing to respect your beauty and spirit).  Or, do you feel you are being “cute” or funny when you pose for that sort of model photography?  You could wear a set of overalls and no makeup, and I am sure you could still be stunning.  And, even when you’re not stunning, you seem quite capable of being charming.  [Although, some of the scripted dialogue I’ve heard you say isn’t very charming or witty.  But, that’s showbiz.]

It’s hard to be funny consistently.  Being funny requires an audience with a compatible sense of humor.  And, being “on” too long or often is a drain on the emotional and mental batteries.  Plus, withdrawal from the spotlight can be a beeyatch.

I imagine it’s hard to be sexy consistently unless you just have that IT factor, unless you’re someone’s type.  So, when I saw you relate being funny to self-confidence, I worried about your “balance.”  It’s like putting faith in a candle.  What happens when the flame goes out?

What SHOULD give you confidence is that you can take command of a room with just a look, a smile.  You have steadfastness in your astrology, particularly Chinese astrology.  There is where you may find that “exquisite hostess at home” energy you claim or desire to have/showcase.  Ironically, I think it would make you a fine caterer.  [If I knew more, I could tell you more.]

I’d like to talk more about a few things, particularly the anxiety/panic matter.  I appreciate what you’ve written about it as it gives me food for thought.  I would do everything I could to alleviate your woes.  But, I see the boyfriend (or fiance) is giving me that look.  So, I should go.  But, it was nice seeing you, again.

[Call me!  Er, drop a note in my email box.  Wink.]

Beth-Behrs-03

[Gorge-e-ous, Caroline Charming.  Although, the skirt could be longer.  🙂 ]

 

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09
Feb
17

My Response to “Needs Help Fast” (Dear Abby)

*****

You can find my response to this and other letters, now available for your viewing and opinion, on the designated page

But, while you’re here, have a read.

Needs Help Fast is a 50 year-old virgin man dating a 28 year-old woman (who he calls a “girl). He lied to her about his “size” while dating her for a year. Now, they are talking about “having relations,” and he doesn’t know what to do.

Abby suggests telling fairy tales to warm up to the truth. I need to blow off a little steam and ask a few more huge questions, myself, because this seems like a misplaced letter.

————–

Needs, seriously? You are 50 years-young asking a total stranger–but not just any total stranger–how to come clean about exaggerating your manhood with a GROWN WOMAN (not a girl)? Of all people, you come to Dear Abby with this question?

I’m going to throw this out there as a possibility. Are you lying in more way than one? Could it be you are NOT as old as you say you are? Could it be this 28 year-old “girl” is really a girl and not even close to 28 yet? Could it be you are fooling around with a minor?

Could it be the only facts you included were being a virgin and lying about your size? Cuz I am detecting some falsehood. That or I go back to my first statement and question why you are asking Abby this question instead of someone you know better, like another man who could be considered a friend or trusted family member. If you have none of those, I feel your pain.

I would presume your concern and your need to lie to her comes from her being “more experienced in that area.” Did you avoid mentioning your virgin status to her, as well? Or, could it be your status actually turned her on? [Some women seem to thrive on finding virgins and “taking their cards” to maximize the “exploding growth” experience. It’s similar to men in their late teens and early twenties seeking out virgin girls just to rack up numbers and/or enjoy the pains inflicted on many girls their first time.]

Abby gave you the only answer she probably could, the simplest answer given to most people afraid to say something. SAY SOMETHING. Talk to your partner. The longer you wait to spill the beans, the worse you’re going to feel. And, you ought to know yourself, a relationship built on a lie is doomed to fail.

You’re terrified she will dump you once she knows the hidden truth. If there’s any legitimate reason for this fear–if sexual geometry is such a factor with her–then she is not worth your “card.” For whatever reason, if you ARE a 50 year-old virgin, you earned your status. Don’t take chances with someone who’s going to judge or dismiss you because of your “size.” But, if you must feel/be humiliated, do so verbally versus waiting until you share a bed.

Is there something about her that is too small for you? How do you think she would feel if you found/mentioned something lacking about her?

All good questions not being asked/addressed. If you are able to read everything I have to say and not withdraw in discomfort, you’re ready to tell her the truth.

06
Feb
17

My Response to C (Carolyn Hax)

*****

You can find my response to this and other letters, now available for your viewing and opinion, on the designated page

But, while you’re here, have a read.

C, a man–young or old, I don’t know–is being torn apart by his girlfriend and her parents (not literally). It’s a case of “micromanagement” in which every little thing the guy does seems to be wrong and any attempt on his part to counter the accuser(s) is returned with denial.

Carolyn Hax reasonably has little in the way of advice to offer this seemingly dire situation. She does make one good point about filtering what C allows to happen/direct himself. I opt to inquire about a possible missing piece to the story and propose my own strategy for a final effort.

——-

C, from your account of the situation, I’d be inclined to hit the EJECT button and get as far away from those people as possible. I know those people.

However, a tiny voice inside my head presents a hint of doubt. Why, if you are so happy together, would you even need to suggest ways to improve anything other than in self-defense of this “micromanaging?” Could you be coloring details in your favor? Hearing the situation in her own words would definitely improve comprehension.

You DID say you two have had “many happy times” and are “quite compatible in most fundamental ways.” But…ummm…can you explain those terms? Fundamental ways? What are we talking about here? Your body parts fit together nicely? You can share a bed without discomfort? You have great sex but define this as “functioning well together?” You get along while washing dishes by hand?

If she goes so far as to take action when you’re not around, invading your personal space and attempting to alter your lifestyle choices, then there is no getting around this. You either stand up to her or evacuate.

If every detail is as you describe it, understand that you will not likely ever be friends with her parents and should consult your girlfriend about how much time she intends on spending with them, if any. [Sometimes, a safe distance from a source of negative radiation can ease the tension and reduce the impulse to nag.]

Regardless, I will offer a few desperate strategies to stay “in the fight.”

Strategy #1: Be like water. Maybe you could try letting her demands slide rather than confronting her. The next time she corrects you, just nod or say, “Yep. Sure. You’re right.” And, walk away without giving her the impression she has bothered you. Don’t undo what you did or correct it. Let her do whatever makes her happy. If this begins to leave you short of breath or if she goes one step further, take a deep breath and tell her this ends now.

Strategy #2: Redirect the negatives into positives. Think of a martial artist catching a flying fist and redirecting it away from his/her body, wasting the opponent’s energy away until the desire to fight is gone. Maybe some of her suggestions aren’t so bad. If there’s any chance you could say, “Hey, that could work. Thanks for the tip,” you’re one step closer to resolving the obstruction in your relationship. However, if she’s poked you so many times, already, that you’re nerve endings are sparking or dead, you’ll likely compare this to drinking bleach.

Strategy #3: Confront the bear in the woods. What is that wild animal survival guides say should be confronted by making yourself look big? Maybe you have been a limp noodle so long that people like your girlfriend and her parents make mince meat out of you. Perhaps this upheaval is a wake-up call to “grow a pair” and defend yourself. Do not fence with them. Do not simply retaliate with “their own medicine.” This might be a case in which two wrongs definitely don’t make a right. But, maybe by displaying a backbone and not backing down–similar to what Carolyn said toward the end of her response–you will dazzle the gal (and her parents) with your resolve, and the claws will retract. Be confident in your choices (unless you are just as likely to be guilty of obsession, addiction, etc.). [If you are defending a desire to stack beer cans in a living room, then she has every right to fuss.]

Strategy #4: Play the therapist. Seize an opportunity to discuss her childhood in a comfortable setting. Perhaps you two are reading the newspaper while relaxing in the living room. Inject a question. “Honey? Were your parents exceptionally strict with you?” See where that goes. Follow up with one or more of the following. “Did they expect perfection? Is that why you find fault with the smallest of details? Do you aspire to be like your parents?” Of course, phrasing is touchy at best. Your choice of words will definitely affect impact. And, this could go the wrong way, easily. But, if it does–if she bristles and counters–calmly end the session and either continue sharing space quietly or excuse yourself by saying, “I’ll be (where?). Come talk with me when you’ve calmed yourself down.”

[A fifth strategy that comes to mind would be a scheduled period of separation to see if she softens when confronted with your absence. But, if she really is such a “control freak,” I doubt this would have any impact other than showing your desire to retreat. Even my first strategy is a form of resilience in the line of fire.]

06
Feb
17

My Response to “Teen in Ogden, Utah” (Dear Abby)

*****

You can find my response to this and other letters, now available for your viewing and opinion, on the designated page

But, while you’re here, have a read.

“Teen” is fifteen years old and entering a Crusade, a religion-fueled war, with his divided parents. How the parents even managed to get married and have a kid is a mystery, considering one believes in God and the other sounds like an atheist. What is not a mystery is why “Teen” is distancing himself from the parents and feeling uncomfortable when church-related topics arise.

I might have left this one alone had I not been bothered by Abby’s last “sage advice” from a “wise clergyman.”

———

The opposite of faith is certainty? What is that supposed to mean, Abby? And, what do you expect this young man to do with that? I’d expect him to emulate his father. I do not think such “wise” words would inspire him to remain true to any religion/faith.

“Teen,” there is only one thing I am certain of: you will learn a great deal about how impulses of your parents dwell inside you in the coming years if not decades. And, you will do battle with those facets until you can rest assured in your choices. Knowing this, you can either accept the stress you feel as part of the life you’ve been given or seek out activities and groups that relieve this stress. Hopefully, ones that don’t involve “recreational drugs” and/or violence other than martial arts practice. A club or class/group that eases your mind will be far less costly than a therapist and could result in making some valuable connections.

If I may ask a few questions…

Exactly how does your belief in God vary so greatly from your mother’s that there is this problem? And, why does it seem like your non-believing father has no interest in involving himself in this struggle of yours? I picture him hiding his face behind a newspaper or cellphone while your mother “encourages” you to participate in a religious community. Apparently, you have no concern for hurting HIS feelings because he has offered none; he simply lets you do what you like until it affects his wallet or some other non-religious aspect of his life. [Or, is it possible your parents are on the verge of divorce and you simply opt to support your mother while opposing your father? Is it possible your mother married your father with aspirations of changing his ways and making him a part of her chosen faith?]

I may be off-base. But, I hear these other voices in response to your comments.

You say: It’s really uncomfortable when people ask why I haven’t been in church.
I hear/think: Church bothers me because it’s too formal. [Or maybe] Church bothers me because I’m asked to give money. [Or] Church bothers me because it interferes with my free/fun time. [Or] Church bothers me because my parents don’t go there together; it does not hold us together as a family.

You say: Mom signs me up for church activities, and I don’t like going.
I hear/think: I struggle with socializing/participating. [Or] I’m anti-social. [Or] I suffer from social anxiety.

Abby suggests telling your mother how much you love her and hope she will continue loving you as you explore your life/religious options. I would guess none of that sounds easy or comfortable for you. Am I right?

If I was you, I’d have a hard time saying I love my mother, too. At your age, I was entering a similar battle and just starting to distance myself from my parents who seemed unable to respect my decisions and even my personal space. Pressure to change one’s ways or attend certain activities could be a sign of lacking trust in you to make your own decisions and come to your parents for advice when you need it.

I cannot tell you which faith is right or wrong. But, if you can better understand or see what motivates the feelings you have, you can answer your own questions. If your mother is so bent on getting you involved in the activities of her church community, hurting her feelings may be inevitable. Yet, if her faith and love for you is strong, she will recover from the bruises. [Just don’t cut ties with her completely unless that is what you truly want. What you want today may differ from what you decide to have in your life years from now.]

06
Feb
17

My Response to “Lip Locked in L.A.” (Dear Abby)

*****

You can find my response to this and other letters, now available for your viewing and opinion, on the designated page

But, while you’re here, have a read.

Lip Locked is questioning his girlfriend’s obsession with pinning him against walls before kissing him. Abby’s advice is sound. Yet, I would like to throw in my own theory and choice of words.

———–

Do you really have to ask, Lip Locked? Quite simply, your girlfriend may be revealing a fetish. [One I find strangely appealing though it could lose its charm over time.] Like Abby said, she probably saw enough movies or TV shows in which people did this; and she is now projecting the suggested level of intense feeling upon you.

Another possibility is that she has been treated this way by a past boyfriend (if she had one or family member if she didn’t) and is silently asking you to indulge the “itch” to repeat history. [Didn’t think to suggest that one; did ya, Abby?] It may be a sign of her still harboring old feelings and not being ready to try something entirely new. It may be the only experience she had that wasn’t entirely unpleasant and thus became her reflex “move” in intimate moments.

I am inclined to say you DO NOT entirely enjoy this habit. Or, at least, it happens more often than you care to experience. Would you say she is a “one-trick pony” and that you wish she would change things up now and then? If so, identify which of the following types of relationships matches yours.

A) Aggressive/Dominating female and submissive male.

B) Aggressive/Dominating male and submissive female.

C) Equally aggressive/submissive and/or experimenting partners.

I am doubting you two fit Type B. Correct?

If you are okay with her being the dominant one yet are not entirely content with this obsessive kissing behavior, politely suggest alternatives or entice her to think of some herself. Try catching her off-guard with a pinch to the ribs or tickle her when she approaches and see how that affects her. Or, place yourself away from any walls; maybe play the sleeping lamb on a bed or grassy slope.

If you two are equally aggressive/submissive, it means you have a reasonable amount of harmony and are open to experimenting. It should be easy to address the situation, find out why she does this and explore alternatives. [In which case, you writing this short letter would merely be an interest in getting someone to offer a high five of support for finding such a passionate/quirky mate.] Suggest kissing in the rain or through a thin barrier like a napkin or sheet of plastic.

If none of the above makes sense, this need to ask could mean you just aren’t as passionate about her as she appears to be about you. Or, her passion is artificial, and your “spider sense” is detecting the falsehood. A difference in “libido” could grow into a bigger problem if not discussed openly.

One last suggestion: Look into astrology. See how your Venus and Mars signs match up. [IE Your Venus is a fire sign while her Mars sign is a watery one; this could be bad. But, if her Venus is an air sign, and your Mars sign is a fiery one, there’s hope.] If there is conflict, consider the possibility this relationship is only warm on the surface. And, if it falls into the “friend zone,” either accept having a friend who pushed too hard too soon or understand that continuing to interact may hinder emotional growth and/or moving on with better partners.

 

 

25
Jan
17

Dear Felicity Jones,

*****

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Oh, Felicity. Are you praying? Something about the force? Cuz when I see your smiling face, I say a little prayer for you. *True story.*

You little chocolate pixie. So petite. So subdued. Certainly not an *albatross.* Neither a *tempest* or *monster.* Occasionally a *fool,* perhaps.

From the moment I saw you talking with Charlie Rose, I was enchanted…*like crazy* (sans *hysteria*). A little on the short side (per my interest), but brimming with graceful beauty. Why, even your name is like a species of social butterfly. Felicity Jones = Delicate Engine.

If you were any smaller, you might be *invisible.* But, I see you with that glimmer of Amy Adams spunk. Your voice is like a warm breeze that sweeps up underneath me and tickles the backs of my ears. Your smile is just as disarming.

You’re a silent night with every inkling of ambition stirring beneath the surface, rarely surfacing with a sound. There could be a veritable *inferno* in you, and who would know? You slip in and out of a room like a silk robe. You’re that girl in my elementary or high school class who appears at the back of the crowd, smiles bashfully when she’s noticed and then vanishes when someone like me gets the nerve to approach.

[Maybe that’s why your performances on SNL seemed so insignificant. The skits lacked humor, and you were dwarfed by the taller, louder ladies. Sadly, it was one of the most disappointing productions in which to find you partaking.]

If my sources are correct, you were born a Libra water piglet. [I have to question these sources, lately.] We go together like a garden and koi pond; like dew drops on rose petals. At least, that’s how I imagine it. But, again, if sources are correct, our pairing would not be ideal. It might get a little rough, cause a few bruises, lack a little passion, leave a few infuriating questions. Would there be *cheerful weather for the wedding?* I don’t know. Still, it’s that face of yours that keeps pulling me back. That force. *Sigh.* And, *breathe in.*

So, without the *theory of everything,* I leave these words to be carried by the wind. May they reach you and tickle your fancy. And, if the wind could be so kind, perhaps you will send a nice response, one that suits your graceful charm.

Sincerely,
Writingbolt, a stem of bamboo looking for a nice pond to nurse his roots

felicityjones-snazysuit-hairdown_worstwitch_nbc-tjf-s02e27-2014-1

 

24
Jan
17

My Response to “Full of Feeling in Arizona” (Dear Abby)

****

Now available for your viewing and opinion on the designated page

A married woman wishes her husband of 30+ years was more emotional, particularly when someone dies.  Dear Abby gave her a quick, chilling slap to the face.  I gave her a novella’s worth of options to consider.




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