Posts Tagged ‘humor

10
May
19

You Don’t Bring Me Pleasurrre…Anymorrre

***

This one goes out to all you tech heads running this space.

You don’t bring me commeeeents.
You don’t lead me to lasting friendshiiips.

You hardly show me anything helpfulll, anymorrre,
When I log in during the downsiiide of my solituuuude.

I remember when this was all fresh and new;
And, flashing signs promised so many pleasing options.
You used to welcome me with that little light.
Now, I’m lucky if it ever shines.

When it’s good for you, WordPress,
It still sucks for me.

Well, you just roll over;
Roll out your new format
And tell me to update my technology.
Because you don’t bring me pleasurrrre, anymorrrre.

It used to be so simple. [Used to be.]
But, nothing ever is.
Just like breathing in all of the pollution,
Your place is littered with lousy biiiz.

WordPress, I’d say I remember all the things you taught me,
But then, I learned them before yooou.

I learned how followers are often nothing but cons, mindless drones and thieves.
And, how LIKES mean next to nothiiing.

Well, I also learned how to limit my usage
And apply my time to better thiiings.

But, honestlyyy, what are better thiiings?

So, do you think I could learn
How to tell you goodbye?

Because you don’t lead me to lasting friendshiiip.

You don’t confirm my work has valuuue.

And you don’t really bring me pleasurrre…anymorrre.

[But, I’ll still be posting here until divine intervention points me to a better alternative…until the love runs out.]
lyrics by Alan Bergermeister and Nellie Emerald, sung by Barracuda Heartstrings

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30
Apr
19

Let’s Go to the Movies! Movie Poster Dreaming

*****

Another path or branch from my recent digital art…brainstorm?…led to making movie posters for stories I’ve already contemplated or written, some based on books (I’ve been pecking at), others from movies I foresee from music I hear on the radio.  I didn’t have much to work with and am just scratching the surface of my digital tool set with these.  I liked the “flash” effect and worked with it like a mandala.   It was a decent practice session.  And, I got some amusement from adding the blurbs at the bottoms.   Some day, you just might see some of these titles on your favorite bookstore shelf or movie theater wall.  Ya never know.

Whatchya think?

See if you can identify the names of the directors I “fudged” with female alternatives.

TiltheLoveRunsOut-Bond-ish-movieposter-RnBlk-flash-fab-4E-celeb-beauties-silhouette-me-anubisface_ap-CSPP-1600x2000-5wannabemovieposter-9pk-flash_ap-CSPP-1200x1500-reducedsampler-1B

Oh, and I had some fun with adding little word bubbles, too.

ColdFingers-humorousthoughts-movieposter-blue-flash-fab-3B-celeb-beauties-silhouette-me_ap-CSPP-1600x2000-1-2RoseGarden-humorousthoughts-2-movieposter-RnPk3-flash-fab-4-celeb-beauties-silhouette-me_ap-CSPP-1600x2000-7CRoseGarden-humorousthoughts-movieposter-RnPk3-flash-fab-4-celeb-beauties-silhouette-me_ap-CSPP-1600x2000-7B

18
Apr
19

Writingbolt’s Foreign Scribble Breakdown # 2, Marriage

Providing you with the kindness of my own personal explanation of foreign language symbols. I’m not exactly learning or teaching anything passed down/on to me. This is more of a fun exercise in using my imagination. But, it may be of some amusement and benefit to your understanding.

Today’s lesson is about MARRIAGE.  [More lessons will follow. More if there is any genuine interest from an audience.]

marriage-kanji-explanation_writingbolt-wordpress-humor-13002350-2

17
Apr
19

Get Ready for a Digital-Art Explosion

*****

I’ve been consumed with spontaneous…well, obsessive daydreams.  And, rather than finishing my latest book project, I have been…well, mixing potions in a currently non-traveling show.  I suspect that doesn’t make much sense.  But, just go with it.

Anyway, a large portion of what’s to come is, sigh, once again, inspired by the lovely Taylor Alison Swift.  I went full costume-party mode (which I haven’t done in years).  Something is poking me, telling me time is short and I need to strike while the iron is hot, so to speak.  Which translates into a volcano about to blow up my blog space.

But, I’ve been working on other concepts, too, concepts inspired by cartoons of my youth and related book projects I aim to complete in my future.  I’ve been dabbling with digital painting (sparing me the task of acquiring actual paints, canvas and other tools to compose actual paintings that are not so easy to correct if I become unhappy with my “abstract exploration.”  But, art is supposed to be cathartic, and I will, hopefully, get there–to making actual paintings on canvas–one day.

I’ll start this avalanche with one sampling and soon follow this post with another as I warm up to sharing my latest “Tay Fever episode.”

I’m going to spare you the detailed descriptions of technique and inspiration, for now.  But, if you have any questions, feel free to ask…you know, if you actually stop to look closely at this stuff and not just add it to the impulse-find (LIKE) pile.  What do YOU see in the more abstract images?  Can you guess what sort of message or concept I am trying to convey in each?  Share your thoughts.

 

 

applemangotango-yin-yang-gradients-onwhite_ap-CSPP-864x1296-reduced-tagged-sample-1-2michelebranch-lyric-umbrella-angel-findingyou-beneath-misty-muddy-treetops-raining_sample-ap-CSPP-12x18in-1MB-2freedom-furious-prisonwoman-roar-tearoutofoveralls-nonwatercolor-layeredsilhouette_ap-CSPP-8x10-tagged-sample-1B-2abstract-rosywaterywatercolorbrush-leapinto-L-O-V-E-curves-shedinnocence_ap-CSPP-12x18-tagged-sample-74-2

 

 

sample-jem-lyrics-couple-fireworks-misty-starrynight-rainbow-roadster-3-misfits-2-singermoon-3_ap-CSPP-12x18in-1180JEM24-2

The above image includes a variety of the key words used in the 1980s Jem cartoon’s theme song, most in colors that correspond with certain characters.

 

17
Apr
19

Modern (Cellphone) Chivalry Gone Mad!

***

Can I charge your what?!

Bumping cellphones?

Getting App-y with it?

Have you seen the commercial where pairs of people meet and, without more than a few words mumbled so softly that I could not tell what the freak they were doing, connect wireless devices and pass along a little battery juice, not unlike the new-fangled system of tossing something to someone with the swipe of a finger on the screen, like payments for just about anything imaginable. I thought it was some odd new way to exchange phone numbers without using one’s voice; heaven forbid you have to speak up and ask with real words these anti-social, wireless-technology-infused days. But, I would be wrong.

I hate to be the party crasher, one more time, but what sense does this make?

How is touching wireless devices to transfer battery power any smarter or better than the “old days” of offering to light someone’s cigarette with a book of matches or lighter you opted to carry just in case you had the chance to play Mr. Chivalry and potentially score points with some woman (or man, if you were the type of woman to boldy carry the flame-maker)?

Here’s the catch, though. Back then? Lighting a cigarette or cigar opened the door to real conversation. You know; that antiquated thing two or more people do when they look at each other, speak with their gullets and hopefully, actually listen to what the other people have to say. You didn’t light the cigarette and then ignore the person unless you were just passing through/by the scene and, likely, scoring points with whoever you accompanied, who thought how nice you are to do that for a stranger.

Oh, wait, I get it. It’s like finding someone on the side of the road with a flat tire or no gas in their car. You just give them a lift.

Except, this lift comes at a high technological and personal risk, most likely, even if you think you’re protected. [Because, honestly? These days, I don’t know who is protected; not even the people creating the forms of protection because they’re still human and thus fallible. And, replacing people with machines is just as stupid because humans build the machines…unless there is some mechanical deity out there itching to replace humanity.] But, even the person stuck on the side of the road can turn into a hazardous situation; sometimes the situation can be a trick/trap. I guess you just take your chances (or look away because you “can’t trust anyone”)?

When you share an umbrella to escort someone to their car in the rain, you don’t hold your wallet and all of your personal account info in the same hands. Maybe if we just used the wireless electronic device for one thing, like making phone calls or checking our heart rate while we excercise, this wouldn’t be a concern. But, what good is a watch if it doesn’t also tap into your favorite video feeds, activate every electrical device in your home, track every move everyone you’ve ever met makes via “social media,” start your car and allow you to pay for dinner?

If your device runs out of battery power and needs to be charged, getting a small (or however big of a) charge from another is only going to encourage you to spend more time ignoring others and your surroundings (if you’re the inept type who runs into walls, crashes their car from being distracted, etc.). Granted, lighting a cigarette for someone was also inviting them to chug down more harmful chemicals into their lungs with a greater chance of suffering some tragic fate. But, at least, the smokers were, usually, social. You don’t light a cigarette and then tune out the rest of the world as if you put on one of those “ultra-modern” goggle systems that transports you to some virtual reality.

But, while the device is charging, you’re free to talk with the person giving you the boost, some will argue. And, if that charging time only lasts a few seconds? Nice five-second chat you just had. I bet you, um, er, uh, *clear my throat*…really learned a lot about the other person.

But, maybe you’re done with your device and can recharge when you get home. So, why not give up the juice to someone who seems to need it right now? Well, why don’t I just drop my pants for the person who hasn’t had sex in three weeks and is moaning about it? Can we get more instant-gratification withdrawal?

Why do parents put timers and “child locks” on kids’ devices? To limit their use of said devices for whatever reason. It could be because the kid is too easily addicted to the device and not being responsible (not taking care of homework and chores). Or, it could be because the kid has a curious mind and the adult world at their fingertips, unlike the generation of my youth, and might tap into some very…questionable content.

Well, I think adults could benefit from locking themselves down, too. Though, it seems, when you put a lock in an adult’s face, they try to pick it, anyway. [Better to not let them know there is a lock, at all. Don’t tell the mortals there’s a tree of wisdom they can’t touch.]

How does offering to sacrifice some of your device’s battery supply to another, just because their device decides to run out of juice, help any situation other than some rare instance when some APP or other feature on a particular device is needed (because your device doesn’t have the same feature/APP)? Only in those seemingly small instances might this be some kind of valuable courtesy. Otherwise…

Well, here’s what I foresee in the near “transparent” future…

“Hi. It looks like you’re about to die, there.” [Looking down at the other person’s device.] “Can I give you a charge?” [Why does that sound like the abductor saying, “Can I give you a lift?”]

“What?” [I wasn’t paying attention to anything but my tiny glowing screen. Who are you? Oh. You’re offering me some battery time.] “Oh. S-Sure. Here.”

[Two wireless devices get intimate with each other on some scummy surface. Was it good for you, Android? Ol’ Iphony needs an E-cigarette.]

“There you go.”

“Um. Thanks.”

“No problem. Have a nice night.” [Wink. ‘Got your personal info. Hack you, later.]

Am I wrong? AM I WRONG? When people have to be concerned about what’s in their wallet or what the wallet is made of lest someone scan their pockets? When you can shop in an actual store without taking your money or credit card out to scan it, just walk past some scanning gizmo which sends the bill to your mailbox?

Honestly, you’d think people would see this stuff coming. [And, I bet some do…while salivating in their sleep.] But, I guess, if you’re dumb enough to just nod when the commercials show people needing to replace their “phone” every time they trip and drop it in a sewer grate, I guess you’re gonna think this is cool and normal.

[Oh, how I miss the days when buying a new telephone meant you wanted something new to look appealing on your countertop or desk and didn’t need to be replaced for as long as you chose to use it. The landline never needed to be replaced unless something actually damaged the wires, which usually required a mistreated cat or some foul weather.]

How long is this teasing game of “Put everything into your computing device.” and “Aren’t you going to buy protection for yourself?” going to continue? Is this the new insurance scam? How long before we offer cellphone protection other than a little person shaped like a padlock? What if said insurance service is just the Prudential rock that starts the snowball to (heck) rolling? Just keep turning people into scared cattle. Shake them pockets til you’re bleeding green with laughter. Oh the promises of get-rich-quick business. Make it bigger and faster, and screw better; that’s just the lie you keep selling.

[Or, is making all of this so effortless and open to crime exactly how we break the crime spree, sort of like disarming the bully by denying him/her an emotional response (or, in this case, having everyone respond emotionally so he/she cannot tell who is the victim)? If everything is within grasp and free to take, where’s the thrill in stealing? Is that the logic? So, if we stop wearing underwear and other clothes, we can stop worrying about stains and certain odors?]

So, have fun storming the castles without firewalls. You get one stinking badge of stupidity for being Ignoro Mondoso. Prepare to have your finances die with your wireless device if you drink this poison. And, enjoy living in glass houses; because, soon enough, I fear, walls may have no meaning.

Kudos to all the adult-education facilities racking up student-loan debts and passing out degrees for tech’ jobs so everyone can have a means of tapping into whatever and whoever they want at any time. So what if your cell-madness factory takes out some farmland that could produce healthy food for millions, replacing that with a handful of temporary jobs to make countless replacement parts for something turning people into mindless microwave ovens, soon replaced with dozens of machines and a handful of supervising technicians who just “take the call” when something goes wrong at the robotic plant.

Pretty soon, you won’t have STDs, anymore; at least, not the kind that requires a medical procedure. You’ll pay a visit to your “computer guy” and, if he/she can’t fix the problem, you’ll just get a new “part,” anyway. Pretty soon, you won’t have to call it prostitution or rape. You’ll just excuse me while I bump my device against yours and have myself a good time. How much is a Virgin Mobile worth on the geisha market? If a cherry pops in someone’s pants, does the owner make a sound?

“No problem. Have a nice night.”

02
Apr
19

Thank You, Christina Applegate

*****

Have you ever had a thought escape your mind when someone decides to interrupt or distract you while you’re thinking of something? And, have you struggled to hang onto that thought or trace it back to its source only to forget what you were trying to say or do in the first place? Have you ever felt like letting whatever thought that was go and saying, “Goodbye, Garfield.”

If you have, then you, like me, remember a very brief moment in TV history, when Christina Applegate played Kelly Bundy on a slimy, groan-worthy yet periodically amusing TV show called Married with Children. There was one special episode when Kelly had to appear on a game show and answer some trivia questions. She complained about having limited memory capacity. When anyone–especially her dad–tried to cram new thoughts into her head, she forgot something. And, at a precious moment, she says goodbye to her memory of Garfield, the cartoon/comic strip cat.

[Apparently, it’s impossible to find this episode/clip online? Is it because she uses the name Garfield? Really, Jim Davis?]

I tend to refer back to that moment whenever my mind forgets what it was trying to say, which is often enough due to the interruptions that come my way. Too often I cannot complete my thoughts when accompanied by just about anyone. It doesn’t matter if its kids or adults. It’s like I can hold my breath for five minutes, but I only have 2 minutes to breathe before someone else takes the air or jabs me in the gut.

Anyway, I’d just like to take a moment to thank Christina Applegate for getting lodged in my memory as an example of the sad condition I and others I know have been facing for a number of years, now. I know her character was just supposed to be especially dumb for some juvenile reason. And, I’m not exactly losing critical childhood memories every time I learn something new…not that I know of, anyway. And, back when I first saw that episode, I didn’t think much of it other than laughing at Garfield leaving her head. But, now, it seems so relevant.

So, again, thank you, Christina.

And, thank you, Garfield, for being one my first inspirations to take up drawing cartoons/comic strips. I once took a tour of a newspaper (office building) and received sample strips for Garfield and Marvin. I don’t know what happened to those. But, I remember holding them.

Ah, memories.

…What was I saying a minute ago? Before the bit about how I had a comic strip proof in my hands? I was just talking about… Ah… Nope. Forget it. It’s gone. Goodbye, Garfield.

thankyou-christinaapplegate-kellybundy-marriedwithchildren-gameshow-episode-garfield-memoryloss_ap-cspp-2

02
Apr
19

Writingbolt’s Foreign Scribble Breakdown #1: Love

****

Providing you with the kindness of my own personal explanation of foreign language symbols.  I’m not exactly learning or teaching anything passed down/on to me.  This is more of a fun exercise in using my imagination.  But, it may be of some amusement and benefit to your understanding.

Today’s lesson is about LOVE.  [More lessons will follow.  More if there is any genuine interest from an audience.]

love-kanji-explanation_writingbolt-wordpress-humor-13002350-1

 




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