Posts Tagged ‘hate

12
Feb
19

Mega-Sour Valentines for Mega-Sore Hearts

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And, here are your stinky Mega Man greeting cards, your Wily zingers for anyone who has wronged you, left you cold or anyone who just doesn’t click with you.  For rain checks and missed calls…for rejections and disappointments, have a slice of bitter pie.

 

30
Dec
15

Get Your SCARESNOW Today!

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The following is a paid advertisement provided by Writingbolt International.

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[In a normal American suburb, average schmo Pete smells something amiss while gray clouds move into the neighborhood one bitter winter afternoon.]

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Pete:  Hey!  Something’s burning!

[Pete runs down the street to his neighbor Jim’s house where what looks like a scarecrow has been set on fire.  Jim stands nearby with a can of gasoline and a fireplace wand.] 

Pete:  What do you call that thing, Jim? 

Jim:  Hey, Pete!  It’s my SCARESNOW!

Pete:  Your SCARESNOW? 

Jim:  Yeah!  Cuz I don’t want to see ANY of that white sh@! on the ground this year!

Pete:  Sounds good!  Where can I get one of those?

 

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Order now!  Writingbolt endorses but does not yet manufacture this product.  Supplies are limited and completely fictional.  Patent pending.

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30
Dec
15

You Wanna Know How Much I Hate Snow?

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You wanna know how much I hate snow?

How it makes travel, especially foot and road traffic perilous…even deadly?

How it turns into back-breaking cement and takes lives by heart attack?

How mean kids torture their prey by stuffing nonviolent faces into the icy crap?

How it can inflict pain and rash upon the skin, rivaled only by sunburn?

How it can freeze, bursting pipes and ravaging roads treated with salt?

So, to all you dreamers out there who think snow, the white reaper of winter, is the romantic cousin of a gentle spring rain, I’ve got one thing to say to you…

Get help.

Send help.

If you want to experience snow, take your chances traveling somewhere void of human life. Come prepared for anything. VISA might take you there, but it won’t get you out. And, good luck meeting a pretty yuki-onna while you’re lost in the blinding, freezing wilderness.

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30
Oct
15

I’m Dating Amy Schumer?

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So, I woke up one morning and popped online to check my Farsebook page.  And, I saw all these messages questioning my DATING status. As I scrolled through the mess to see what was the cause of all this (because, as far as I know, I haven’t been on a date in…). My blurry eyes sure cleared up when I saw those golden words:

I AM DATING AMY SCHUMER.

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How did that get there?

Bshocked_internetscreened-sample1Blaughing_internetscreened-sample1Now, some of you might say she does nothing for you. You have golden private parts, and I respect that. But, at five foot seven with that perfect shade of pale golden hair, she’s that sort of cuddly hotness that makes you want a s’more on a cold night or a bag of marshmallows (which I don’t normally crave, at all). She’s just a cuddly marshmallow of a woman with a great sense of humor/wit. I want to paw her all night and wake up with her under my head just so I can wake up and peel her off of me in the morning. That’s the kind of hot Amy is.

It’s no wonder we’d hit it off. But, I had to figure out how we started dating. It must be a drunken blur. I mean, she must have gotten me so drunk I forgot how we met.

[If you’ve seen her SNL monologue. You know where I am going with this.]

Our relationship hasn’t exactly been a smooth one. She’s a Gemini rooster, I’m a Sagittarius rabbit. I guess you could say I have a love-hate relationship with her. She’s often on the road. And, I, well, I don’t get out much. So, I find out she’s drinking all the time and seeing other guys. Obviously, that’s taken its toll. It’s hard to cut her loose because she’s just so deliciously “huggable.”  And, that face; she can win you over with a look. You know that puppy dog look some people talk about. She does that! And, you just want to grab her fwubby wubbly cheeks and say, “Ihs owky, my wittle cuddlecake! I fowgive you!”

Well, I finally got tired of forgiving the drinking and one-night stands. I let her have it with both barrels only to feel rotten the next morning for sleeping with her one more night after she just told me about the last sleaze she slept with because she chronically suffers from low self-esteem. Oh, she hides it well, but she’s not yet comfortable in her body.

Long story short, after a bad breakup, I get a call saying she will be in town close to my birthday. She didn’t exactly say she wanted to see me, but from the photo she sent soon after I got the message, I figure that’s where this is headed. I look forward to amazing make-up sex. But, only after she joins me for a night by the campfire and indulges all the other whims I’ve only been able to share with her via Skype. [Yes. We’ve done the long-distance relationship thing, too. And, it sucks.] Which probably means the sex won’t happen. But, a guy can dream.

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In all honesty, I was watching one of the late night talk shows when I first saw her and didn’t think much until she started to speak. She was so refreshingly charming and witty that I fell instantly in love. But then, I saw the promotional materials for that recent movie of hers and felt a chill sweep through my heart.  It was cold, casual and more sexually liberated than the Amy I had seen prior.  She was part of an old school bunch I had left behind.  When I saw SNL and heard her say she was dating Bradley Cooper, my heart clenched a little. But, taking a few breaths, I decided they were good for each other. And, the next day, I learned my humor radar was off; she was just joking. A few weeks later, here I am finding an announcement of her coming to my town near my birthday, and the rest is written history.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zhu7rs3Ihas




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