****
Just look at all of them! I’m such a genius…and sure to be rich ever so soon! Patent pending, patent pending…pat-ent PEN-DING! Hands off. But, seriously, check these out. “I made that!”
SODL: That’s where you go to sell horses…if you’re so rich and capable of owning some. You’ve never heard of putting a soddle on a horse? 😛
SNAKC: That’s my Kansas City, Missouri-based company that ships snacks via drone so you don’t have to get up off your fat ass to fetch any food.
DRNKC: And, that’s the partner company that supplies drinks to go with the snacks you’re too lazy to fetch.
CLOK: That audibly tells you the time of day from whatever city you mention; you know, in case you’re too lazy to use fingers or look at a clock.
ISOR: That’s an AI doctor you consult when you have a problem with your eyes, especially when you ought to know you’ve been looking at tiny radioactive screens too long.
CABL: That’s where you go if you need to order twine, rope or wire; ya know, if you decide to hang yourself after too many hours of submitting to “the machine.”
CAKL: That’s where you go if you need a laugh after tapping into so many upsetting stories because you just can’t stop the “feed-ing.”
ALYEN: That’s a Japan-based banking app/company for beings from other planets that just happen to be visiting our world in secrecy. Shh!
PAYNT: That’s not an app for ordering latex semi-gloss. It’s a financial service that helps you pay for things later, rather than now when you’re too busy shopping without actually interacting with anyone face-to-face. Their motto: PAY NEXT TIME.
FLUTR: That’s an AI dating consultant that helps you decide how you feel about someone who gives you the “butterflies.”
SWIPHT: That’s a quick pH tester for when you’re concerned about the condition of your drinking and/or swimming/bathing water; ya know, when those responsible for treating water are too preoccupied with modern technology conveniences to care.
Call 1-800-QUE-DUCT AQUEDUCT ROUTER!
[Wait. That actually became a clickable link thing? If you click that; you’re just dumb. I’m leaving it there just to see how dumb people will be…ya know, without actually witnessing it.]
FITE: That’s an app for reporting a violent scene to the proper authorities; in other words, a fight. Ya know, when restless leg syndrome from too many hours indoors on someone’s butt and/or with your face glued to a radioactive screen drives them mad with rage.
FIEV: That’s an app for a virtual high-five; ya know, when you’re too anti-social or “introverted” to find someone willing to join hands over your head.
BRANDE: No; it’s not an internet tavern. That’s a shopping app that helps you find online alternatives to actual brand-name items so you don’t have to be consumed by impulse shopping. You might confuse this will a little Nintendo 3DS game called Animal Crossing: New Leaf, in which you can acquire plenty of useless items over days of gameplay and fill a limited space with them, imagining what they’d really do if you had the real things.
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Yay! So many poorly spelled words used as excuses for productive workplaces that benefit humankind and/or the planet! Pass me a coffee mug, Flo. I’m feeling progressive.
