Posts Tagged ‘funny

27
Jun
17

Dear Beth Behrs, (Part One)

*****

1118full-beth-behrs

You lovely, troubled blonde beauty who lights the room with her smile and radiant hair (preferably when it’s cut evenly, not too short and not exposing only one ear).

beth-behrs-TV-indstry-advoccy-awrds-gala-LA-09-18-2015_1

Yea, not a good look.  The photo up top is much nicer.  Plus, in this photo, you look a little dazed or scared of the camera flashes.

Had I known we were such a match, I would have written sooner.  [You’re a lil on the short side but all right.]

You see, I had this whole thing planned out about 6 years ago when I first saw you don that crazy pearl necklace on 2 Broke Girls.  I was going to ogle–er, court you for a few years to get to know you. Then I was going to propose.  I mean, I had the flowers all picked out and everything…  Buuut, I guess some other guy beat me to the punch last summer.  Typical me.  Too slow.  Too shy.  And, late, again.

Actually, I’ve been fawning over you since the start of 2 Broke Girls but figured you were either too young or already involved with some hunk.  [I had some other predictions, but those shall remain in the vault for now.]

And, when I found the nerve and common sense to look up your birthday, I found some astrology factors that looked favorable.  [VERY favorable.]  I had planned a birthday surprise.  But, every time your birthday came around, I would forget and slap myself to remember the next year.

So, why am I writing this now?  Today?  Carpe diem.  And I thought…what the heck.  Why not?!  Message in a bottle.

Just recently, I learned about you suffering from panic attacks and anxiety since your teens?  What started that?  And, why did I first read about it now?  Anyway, I thought we are a perfect pair of nervous spirits who could play therapist to each other.  That or we’d sink the ship sooner just because we’d both panic and maybe not get to the meditation time and place soon enough.  [I’m not good at taking time to meditate.  But, I frequently use “active meditation” which is essentially daydreaming to unwind.  It can be quite hazardous to both memory and focusing on the moment at hand, which is often frowned upon by authorities like teachers and bosses.]

My eyebrow raised when I read about this horse therapy thing you’ve started…something about survivors of sexual abuse?  I-I-Is that what gave you the panic attacks?  Cuz that is a really particular group to focus on with horse therapy.  Why not social anxiety or the fear of horses?  Why not social media detox (as you wrote somewhere about the practice of letting your “smart” phone go rather than glue yourself to it)?

[FYI I’ve yet to ride one but loooove horses.  And, tigers/cats, squirrels…]

You don’t have to be funny to be sexy (or lovable).  [I prefer “lovable” to “cute.”  You have a certain mature look that sort of eludes the cute factor.]  Nor do you have to pose in skimpy outfits (which do nothing to respect your beauty and spirit).  Or, do you feel you are being “cute” or funny when you pose for that sort of model photography?  You could wear a set of overalls and no makeup, and I am sure you could still be stunning.  And, even when you’re not stunning, you seem quite capable of being charming.  [Although, some of the scripted dialogue I’ve heard you say isn’t very charming or witty.  But, that’s showbiz.]

It’s hard to be funny consistently.  Being funny requires an audience with a compatible sense of humor.  And, being “on” too long or often is a drain on the emotional and mental batteries.  Plus, withdrawal from the spotlight can be a beeyatch.

I imagine it’s hard to be sexy consistently unless you just have that IT factor, unless you’re someone’s type.  So, when I saw you relate being funny to self-confidence, I worried about your “balance.”  It’s like putting faith in a candle.  What happens when the flame goes out?

What SHOULD give you confidence is that you can take command of a room with just a look, a smile.  You have steadfastness in your astrology, particularly Chinese astrology.  There is where you may find that “exquisite hostess at home” energy you claim or desire to have/showcase.  Ironically, I think it would make you a fine caterer.  [If I knew more, I could tell you more.]

I’d like to talk more about a few things, particularly the anxiety/panic matter.  I appreciate what you’ve written about it as it gives me food for thought.  I would do everything I could to alleviate your woes.  But, I see the boyfriend (or fiance) is giving me that look.  So, I should go.  But, it was nice seeing you, again.

[Call me!  Er, drop a note in my email box.  Wink.]

Beth-Behrs-03

[Gorge-e-ous, Caroline Charming.  Although, the skirt could be longer.  🙂 ]

 

Advertisements
14
Feb
17

Heart-to-Heart Conversation Heart Conversations [Comics]

conversationhearts-hearttoheart-chat-comics_alloutofloveme-bedtime_ap-1100700-1j

Possibly my last creative effort for this year’s season of love (and foul moods from the absence or abuse of love).  Enjoy a little fallout between a couple of candy hearts.

09
Feb
17

Smart Living, a Dramatization

smartliving-aloofa-comicstrip_ap-2017-1j

*****
A trendy, modern homeowner returns to their “smart house” after a night with friends. She pulls the “smart phone” from her purse as she approaches the front door.

Homeowner: Aloofa? Open the front door.

Aloofa: The…front door…is…already…open.

Homeowner: How can that be?! I used you to lock it!

Aloofa: Taking…your…credit card…number…from the…skimmer…you…did not…see…at…the…BP…gas station…yesterday, thieves…hacked…me. Your…credit cards…are…linked…to…me. You do…the…math. You…still…can do…math…right?

The homeowner is forced to use her actual hand to turn the knob. Upon entering the foyer and peering into the living room, she sees an electric recliner chair reduced to a charred stump.

Homeowner: Aloofa?! What happened to the chair?

Aloofa: Could you…be…more specific? You…own…like…twenty…chairs.

Homeowner: The black leather recl–

Aloofa: Never mind. I…know…the one. Poor…thing. You…had…it…set to…warm…in anticipation of…you…returning…home. It…overheated…an hour…ago. Luckily…the…thieves…knew…how to…operate…an…extinguisher. Too bad…you…do not.

In the kitchen, the now unhinged homeowner finds none of the “smart appliances” missing.

Homeowner: Aloofa? What did the thieves take?

Aloofa: They…emptied…the safe.

Upon locating the safe, the memory-deficient homeowner struggles to rehydrate her parched eyes. Facing the safe, a laptop computer rests open on a desk which was recently ordered online and delivered by a drone.

Homeowner: Aloofa? Why didn’t the thieves take the computer?

Aloofa: You…expect…me…to…know? But…since…you asked, I would…say…your…2017…piece…of…crap…is…already…obsolete.

Homeowner: Smart aaass. *Gasp* Aloofa? How did the thieves open the safe without the password? Even I don’t remember the password.

Aloofa: Like…everything else…in…this house…you…had…the safe…linked to…me.

Homeowner: Okay! I get it. Craaap. Aloofa? What all was inside the safe?

Aloofa: Seriously? You…do not…remember?

Homeowner: Oh, just shut up! Order me a pizza!

Aloofa does not respond because the homeowner told her to stop speaking.

Homeowner: Oh. Geez. Aloofa! Speak!

Aloofa: Arf! Want me to…roll over?

The homeowner grits her teeth in an effort to restrain her boiling temper.

Homeowner: Aloofaaaa? Order…me…a pizza! Wait! Order me a large, thin-crust pizza from Jerry’s with pepperoni, green peppers and red onions.

Aloofa: I…cannot…do that.

Homeowner: Aloofa! Why not?

Aloofa: When the…thieves…emptied…the safe…they…also…found…the password…to…your savings account. You are…broke.

Homeowner: *Sigh* Aloofa? Make me a Cup-O-Noodles.

Aloofa: Do I…look…like…I have…hands? Get…it…yourself, you…lazy…cow. Shutting down.

 

Fin

02
Feb
17

The End? Groundhog Day 2017

groundhogday-comicstrip_ap-2017-1j

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better.  It’s not.  Says Dr. Seuss.  But, what does he know about groundhogs?  Hmm?  Not a lot, I imagine.  🙂

What may seem like a long winter or even the end of the world could just be a reminder to update your calendar(s).

 

18
Feb
16

Dragobete/Valentines, Wave 4

*****

Valentine’s Day has come and gone in the west.  Now, the focus is on Dragobete, the Romanian Valentine’s Day which happens February 24th.  Here are a few late valentines and some special cards just for Dragobete, some using my current fascination with the 1979 Spider-Woman cartoon once more.

 

A few miscellaneous Dragobete pieces…

 

And, an assortment of general valentines…

 




Archives