Posts Tagged ‘failure

08
May
18

F-Book Stalking and Reliving Old Wounds

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So, it’s like this.  I don’t use the site/service I prefer to call F-Book.  You know what I mean.  The place you profile people, poke them, stalk feeds, etc.  I’ve heard enough agonizing, annoying stories about the place.  So, I keep my distance.  And, for the most part, so does my family.  Yet, there are those who find their reasons and do all…that.  They may not have their own “page,” but they’ll still dig into the pages of others, of people they used to know just to see where they are now.  And, if people actually thought to look for me?  Well, too bad, so sad, you won’t find me there.

My sister decides to show me pictures of people we used to know when we were kids.  If these are former classmates of hers, I’m okay with it.  But, I still think it’s wrong if she’s not actually reaching out to these people.  That’s just stalking…or ghosting.

But, when she shows me people I shared a class with…people I used to think of as love interests and/or friends…people I lost touch with…who have now moved on, married, had kids…….

It’s like I’ve been in prison all this time.  It’s like I missed out on life.  It’s like I’ve lost them all over again and multiple ways.  It’s hard to just brush it off and say I’m not bothered or discouraged.  I’ll likely need time away from seeing more of…that…to forget about it, as aging is likely to afford.

In  a very small way, I suppose I should be happy these people, at least, appear happy.  And, the girl I thought I’d eventually marry…at least she has a kid with a name I would have agreed to give the child.

I don’t know which is worse.  Or, I do and don’t want to admit it.  If I had done the searching, I might find myself wanting to get lost in a bottle of booze I dare not touch.  But, I didn’t open the box.  My sister did.

…..

How much can one guy like me take?

I just needed to vent, to process this a bit and now have to let it all go.  So many falling stars.  So many beauties I’ve come to adore running off with other men.  I’m just too slow.  It’s my fault.  But, I’m better off not letting them get to me.  Let them go.  And, where I fall I fall.  Just tune out what I cannot hold or control.  Wait for my moment.  My moment will come.  Or, I’ll die a hermit in good service.  I’ll be like a monk or prophet.

 

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09
Feb
16

Scheduled Post Not Posted?

Thanks a bunch, WordPress!  What’s the point of scheduling a post if it doesn’t get posted?  I could have posted early in that case instead of not at all.  Nice feature.  I have foreigners able to view pictures I uploaded in advance, but the post that would contain them–which was scheduled for yesterday–did not post on time.  I had to click Publish just now.  Yay, no one comes to my party, again.  Or, maybe the fire monkey pulled one over on me.

N-Now, you do plan on having dinosaurs in this dinosaur park.  Right?

TRex-lunch-filtered-JP-snes_ecard-ap-4J

28
Oct
15

U.S. Math Scores on the Decline, Again? I Know Why.

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No, let’s spend the next decade and millions of dollars on researching the problem instead of looking at the obvious.

Why would math scores (or any school subject grade) drop?  [And, this isn’t the first time I heard about it in the news.]

I can answer that rather simply.  Do your children possess a “pad” or “smart phone” with WiFi access?  Does the school they attend provide WiFi access, or is WiFi available through the school’s walls (from an outside source)?

Anyone who lived through school in the 1980s might recall what teachers used to say about a thing called a CALCULATOR.  They’d say we should put those things away and do the math on paper.  Why?  Because, otherwise, you learn nothing and let the machine do the work for you, whether it malfunctions or not.

Well, guess what people who may yet be clueless, your kids might be holding the new model of that calculator disguised as a whackadoodle telephone they are supposed to be carrying to “stay in touch” in case of an “emergency.”  Oh, this modern connected world with everything at the tip of a search engine’s grasp.

How I love those commercials of people talking to every sort of gizmo now programmed to talk back to you.  Let’s ask our talking toaster to answer all of our questions.  Yea, that will make us smarter.

NOT!

Wake up and smell the burning nuclear material in your hands, people, before the machines are using YOU for their batteries or footstools.  Use your head and put down the radioactive, talking toaster!

*****

28
Sep
13

I Just Can’t Get “Stupid”

Watching people do foolish things in the same movie I’ve seen almost a half-dozen times now, I am struck with a notion about my own life and the world around me. I think of countless lives going through the same paces: lame conversations, political and religious squabbles, lousy excuses for entertaining oneself with what’s considered popular or current entertainment, pathetic pick-up lines, drunken mishaps, online dating, blind dates, arranged dates, hours upon hours of casual sex, friends with benefits, one night stands, more lame conversations injected with comparisons of body parts and intimate activities taken way too leisurely (instead of seriously), drug use and abuse, dares and contests demanding impressive results, mistaken tattoos and painful piercings, bad relationships ended in all sorts of unpleasant ways, divorce, abortion, multiple marriages, single parenthood, forsaking one’s religion/faith from any number of the previous weighing too heavily on the conscience and essentially declaring oneself a lazy “spiritual” person or atheist, alimony, child support, “pre-nups”, “post-nups”, jobs that don’t pay emotionally and financially, unpredictable insurance and retirement plans, etc. etc.

All of the above are things “most” people do as part of “the norm”. Not one of them can I commit so casually without a heap of discomfort amassing in my gut. And, upon once more realizing this boundary that separates me from “most” people, I am–yet again–discouraged from “entering the game”.

If someone explained the rules of chess to you, and you decided they were too complicated; how would you feel if everyone you saw around you was suddenly playing that very game? Imagine being the only deaf or blind person in your city, state or country, not knowing how to convey the full nature of your life experience to another living soul without fear of misunderstanding, isolation/segregation or something far worse.

How many cases in history were resolved horribly or violently/lethally from misunderstanding? Do I really want to be one of those cases simply because I don’t “go with the flow”? Can you begin to–if not already–understand how difficult it can be to wake up every day with little to no interest in doing any of those things previously listed while the rest of the world around me expects me to do just that if I want to “belong”?

I imagine myself driving a stick-shift car and not being able to downshift to that lower gear everyone else on the road around me uses to “get by”. I see them all pass me by either hastily or leisurely. And, there I sit in the middle of traffic, being honked at and unable to get my vehicle moving. I am a heartbeat away from a horrible accident. And, it has me on edge to the Nth degree. If I lose another minute, I could be dead. I need to get myself in gear and merge with traffic. Wait. I just need another–

I’m more content being of service to people as I find them and utilizing my creativity to its fullest. But, presently, that’s not filling in all the necessary boxes of a “normal” life. It’s not “financially sound” or “relationship savvy”. And, that worries me.

If you see someone stuck on the side of the road with his “blinkers” on, it’s probably me, not going anywhere. I just can’t get “stupid”.

 

[Disclaimer:  I use the word “stupid” as a substitute for mistaken and/or erroneous.  No one wants to be called stupid.  But, we all should know when we’ve made a mistake. And, I am a stubborn perfectionist.]

04
Sep
13

Have You Ever Been Deflated By the “Success” of Others?

That about sums it up.

Have you ever felt absolutely deprived of breath and any trace of feeling good by reading of or witnessing someone who has quite simply and amazingly done things YOU wanted without missing a step while you struggle to motivate yourself in the positive way or ways many of these people profess like steam engines that can never say NO or I CAN’T?  Have you ever come across someone so “chipper” and full of life with their future planned out in a perfectly neat little outline?  And, do you then look at your own idea/s of the future like a soggy mess of wet magazine clippings?  Have you ever seen someone basking in the sun with the wind in their hair like a goddess while you stood beneath a dark cloud waiting for it to rain upon you?

That is how I am often and presently feeling.  And, while I’d like to point fingers or sulk, I can’t help feeling like I am doing it to myself.  I am popping my own balloons.  And, I don’t know why I won’t or can’t stop.  Nor can I fathom how to get on that horse, race into traffic and carry on like these free-flying dynamos I encounter more often online than in person.

And, frankly, I am sick of this.  I am sick of myself.  I am tired of everything being overwhelming and making me uncomfortable.  And, the more time passes, the less “acceptable” I feel in this world.   And, I am tired of timidly reaching out only to feel stepped on when someone doesn’t “get me”.  I am tired of working with people younger and older than me with whom I fail to relate as much as those my own age.  I am tired of being viewed as a kid who never will grow up or be taken seriously.  I am tired of worrying I am not adequate for someone I find appealing.   I am tired of worrying about what baggage they may have simply from living a life I have not.

And, I am sick of others turning away for whatever reason.  I feel like a disease.  Yet, I get a number of people who come along and tell me what they all think I could and should be doing.   And, I don’t know how to process it effectively.  I don’t take what I hear and run with it.  I tend to dismiss or put it on a pile.  Yea, maybe someday.

I feel like I missed so many classes and experiences simply because I was afraid to budge.  And, I can’t see any group where I fit.  I don’t have a circle.  And, I know myself well enough to know I’d probably push back out of the circle if I felt I had been roped into one somehow.  I want in…but I don’t want in.  I want to be accepted, liked and loved…but I have a hard time making others feel that way or finding those who are genuinely in the right place and time to appreciate it.  I feel like an underclassman trying to be with one of his teachers.

What is it going to take for me to sort myself out?  What is it going to take for me to “get with the program”?  Am I ever going to break out of my single status mold and find the love I…at least, I THINK I…am seeking?  I just don’t know.  And, time keeps slipping away from me while so many just plow on through traffic like a routine or set of instructions I couldn’t read.  Everyone else sings the chain-gang song while I say NO and try to do things differently.  But, why?  What do I accomplish by NOT being part of the crowd?

 

Sorry, but you can’t just LIKE this or tie a string to it and forget about it while everyone else you might know glances at it, too.  This is my rant.  And, here, you are free/welcome to express your thoughts of it before I retract it.  I just needed to blow off some steam and perhaps be heard by the right “ear” out there.




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