Posts Tagged ‘contact

18
Apr
19

Dear, Dear Tay (Taylor Alison Swift)… I have something personal to say, again

*****

Otherwise titled:  Tay Fever Strikes, Again…Digital Art Explosion, April ’19, Stage 5, Critical Mass

Tay?  If you’re out there…  I’ve been thinking about you, again.  You don’t know me, yet.  And, if deja vu means anything, you may miss your chance if I don’t take every chance I can get.  I’m a tragically timid, relatively paranoid, creative soul seeking purpose and partnership.  In some ways, I feel you and I are like two wheels meant to work together in some big clock that will revolutionize the world (in a good way, just to be clear, considering all the madness happening in recent years). 

I suppose I’m better off exposing myself (not THAT way, sheesh) in some video like that kid who wanted you to be his date to Prom.  [The thought would have crossed my mind, too, some years ago.  But, I didn’t even know you back then.  And, thinking of trying such a thing now…I am not so elastic that I could easily rebound from a rejection letter or no letter, at all.  I don’t even know…I’m not looking…did you ever respond to or visit that boy?]  But, while you risk your neck in the spotlight every day, I don’t have an army to put out fires, screen incoming calls, watch my back and counsel me.  So, I am treading cautiously but feeling strongly.  And, if you’ll work with me through this, we’ll both get the answers we need without more than a little heartache as a possible consequence.

I’m clearly not a man of few words.  I would not fair well on Twitter, sadly.  So, get comfortable and prepare to read.

As I wandered through my latest wave of obsessive fantasy thinking, I thought about your upcoming birthday, a small milestone on the road to the legend I am fairly certain you will one day achieve.  [Or, am I supposed to help with that?]  I started having the affectionate, loving thoughts of a horse getting ahead of the race. I haven’t even taken step one, and I’m worrying about step thirty.

I’ve had crushes on other musicians; I still carry tiny torches for a few, even if I am fairly certain those feelings are going nowhere.  Yet, each torch is different.  And, that certainly applies to you.  There’s something extra special about you (or that’s just what my infatuated mind is telling me).  And, every time I imagine myself standing in your presence, I am torn between passing out and turning into some mythical figure, like a mortal obtaining superhuman powers, as if you are some magical battery that would impact my evolution.  [I cannot say the same about most of those other torches.  Some women are just hot flames attracting moths to their doom.] 

If I think about it long enough, or if I look at countless photos and tabloids, I quickly lose steam and shrivel up into a ball without ambition; I feel dwarfed, out of style and out-classed.  I try to remind myself I only see a glimmer of the real you.  [And, you’ve likely seen nothing of me.]  And, I am not sure if that helps me feel better or makes my lofty visions more painful when I “realize” they’re not happening.

I went from seeing no other place to put these than in a “closet” to composing a birthday montage/letter which I could still wait to send.  But, the universe is stirring me to seize the moment.  And, if I’ve learned anything in this life, it’s usually my choice to wait that costs me so many opportunities.  Yet, when I leap at chances, I’ve also received my share of burns.  

Presently, I cannot feature my finest work in its video form.  But, I can show the parade of images that completes the “Side A” of the letter/video and enclose a “transcript” of “commentary” and the “Side B remix.”  And, why not, I’ll show a few from the collections that couldn’t fit nicely into the videos.  And, if you haven’t already, be sure to look back at previous posts with images of and messages to you.  [I’ll leave the birthday wish picture out of the lineup, for now.  So, at the end, where it says this was a thirty-page something…it’s currently twenty-nine.  And, you’ll just have to pause to read everything in each frame, as I see no way to adjust the speed of the slideshow.  [The “premium video version” lasts about 4 minutes and 30 seconds with all the bells and whistles.]

===================================

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

 

If I am posting this during springtime, consider my explosion of creative output a side effect of Tay Fever. And, I’ll likely need a box of tissues.
Dear Taylor “Tay” Alison Swift,

This is a text reproduction of a video compilation I put together with two “sides,” like an audio cassette or vinyl record. If you are unable to see the video, just imagine these words set to the music of Elton John’s “Your Song,” as sung with the artist known as Pavarotti. Why “Your Song?” Because you write and perform songs, and I occasionally aspire to write, compose and perform songs, as well. I have a few guitars and am looking for a good teacher. 🙂 And, I’ve been known to have a good singing voice. Portions set in brackets are artwork captions. Some carry some small clue to/aspect of Tay and/or my identity. Others are meant to be amusing and related to the feature image in some way. ‘Plenty of cartoon, movie and song references to be found.]

——–

If ANYONE reading this–as I am enclosing it in my blog–has a means of contacting Tay, let me know. I can email you the video(s) I have not been able to post here (with my current “account settings”), and then you may either post them in your (YouTube) space or pass them to her, and I will be very grateful to you for your assistance. Mind you, the smallest video is roughly 3 MB in size and just a one-minute smile…while the more glorious ones, set to music and sprinkled with special effects, are 21-45 MB, depending upon upload quality, I guess. If that is too big for any email–as is possible–then, perhaps, I can craft a CD-ROM and “snail mail” my creation(s).

——–

Side A

Tay? Honey? I need a moment of your precious time…to tell you what’s been on my mind and in my heart.

[Table 13! Order up!]
[Tay Swift Soup. It’s Mm-Mm good. {She’s a hot dish.}]

<–I’m not sure why I felt the need to associate you with hot soup (and an old commercial tag line)…but I was in a bit of a silly mood. And, in an odd way, you are a sort of (attractive) comfort (food).–<<<

I don’t want to *serve* you some tripe about being your biggest fan…because I’m not. I like a few of your songs and think you are stunning.

<–Around this point, Elton John sings that resonating line about having a face that cannot hide well, little money and big aspirations. This is a line I imagine us both saying at some point. [Though, in your case, I cannot be sure about the money detail.]

I like to think I do okay with hiding my face. And, even in the small instances I’ve seen of you online, I see you trying your own way (which also plays a part in my selection of this “costume”). Obviously, you’ve been sufficiently caught, considering how these tabloid-photography mosquitoes are. But, the face I have a hard time hiding is my feelings, even if people claim I am hard to read. When I let them out, my feelings can be quite a force of nature. Or, in this instance, they’re like the side effects of a non-alcoholic intoxication, getting carried away with a desire.

And, I could spend countless hours conjuring up fantasies of what I’d like to do with and for you. All I’ve designed so far is just a sampler. But, I guess, I must curb my enthusiasm until some of those fantasies become realities, lest I really get carried away and accomplish nothing.–<<<

[I’m a Sagittarius cat!]

I don’t want to *pussyfoot.* But, I’m a socially timid guy trying to reach a star in this hazardous world. [I am not eager to be just another YouTube spectacle.]

<–I know others have successfully reached you via YouTube presentations (possibly just the lucky few to get turned into tiny broadcast news stories). And, I wouldn’t mind someone with an account featuring one or more of my videos for me, just to reach you. But, I am so sick of hearing about LIKES and VIEWS in the news as if such numbers mean anything. And, if recent news of deaths related to the pursuit of such fame isn’t enough to confirm some of my discontent feelings? For me to risk exposing myself on camera for a chance–not a guarantee–to make the kind genuine connection I seek and not just look like some drooling freak/fan…is it worth it? If I am not regularly using a YouTube account for anything productive…if it’s not part of some business…it’s just costing me money and fueling impulsive audiences like certain stores fuel impulse shopping; and that’s no good. Not everyone posting videos becomes the superstars seen on the news and talent shows; it’s just the latest “panic” spreading like the old “funniest home videos” race-to-fame-and-a-tiny-fortune. And, I am not yet comfortable, as an adult, doing something I might have dared to do as a kid with just a tape recorder to record his silly performances.–<<<

<–Then Elton sings that line about attempting a sculpture of his love interest. While I share his pessimism about the result, that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t try. When my creative juices get going…and when there is a glimmer of hope they will serve a righteous purpose…there’s no telling what I will all create. This whole presentation is likely just an appetizer.–<<<

Even now, I am a little parched. Don’t leave me low and dry. But, I imagine you being like an oasis.

I think of you as a breath of fresh air…

…refreshing rain…

…or dazzling sunshine…

…day…

…or night…

…you mess with my tides.

When I’m down, one look at your smiling face can pick me up. And, when I’m up, one tabloid about you can bring me down.

<–The Sagittarius truth. Attributed to your “fire,” your face can light up my day. And, one blurb about you with some other guy can derail my schedule.–<<<

Tay, I want to fall into your arms and rustle your branches.

[What happened to my favorite tree?!]
[Dunno. I’m as *stumped* as you.]

I don’t ever want to bring you down…unless we’re being playful…or you threaten my spirit.

<–And, to threaten my spirit harshly enough to earn retaliation worth any concern, you’d have to blatantly do or say something I’ve identified as strongly disliked. I’m generally non-violent, preferring to attack the same way I honor, creatively (similar to your tactic–if it is a tactic–for turning ugly feelings into a song). Well, as I hate repeating myself, you can read more about this in my blog.–<<<

You may not be a cut above the rest. But, you’d be one hot present under the Christmas tree.

<–This is both a bit of a tree joke and a way of saying I may be so infatuated with what I think of you, Tay, that I could be blind to an unpleasant truth I have yet to learn. In the first frame, two hikers find a favored tree missing from the forest; in the second, that tree is standing over a pile of presents. So many lovers spill lavish words and make lofty claims about their partners being the prettiest or best something, only for the relationship to fall apart when someone just as pretty or “better” comes along. I think you’re stunning. I think you are just scratching the surface of your talents and capacity to influence the world. But, can I confirm you are the best of anything in the world? Truthfully, no.–<<<

<–Any guesses about why I make several references to wood/trees?–<<<

[*Gasp* I’m the luckiest (older) boy in the world!]

I may not know where you are or where you’re going.

[Zelda?]

But, I want to travel with you…around this world…and throughout the universe.

When you need to venture on your own, I hope you enjoy yourself.
And, when you’re coming around the mountain, I wanna meet you there.

<–A Sagittarius needs a certain amount of freedom/personal space; and I want to be sure I respect that (and am likewise respected). I also want to be a welcome face when you return from any venture that separates us; welcome back and let’s celebrate. This is a sample of my effort to follow the Golden Rule.–<<<

[It’s up to you, Tay! But, would you please contact Writingbolt? I’m tryin’ to sleep, here!]
[Shut up! He’s confessing these feelings his way!]
[New York! New-ew-ew Yorrrrk!]

I wanna wake up…in a city…that never sleeps…because we kept them up all night with our *shared energy.*

[Uuuh. Miss Swift? There is a charming man at the front gate who appears to have fainted from walking here just to speak with you.]

And, I will walk a thousand miles just to be the man who falls down at your door.

Because, there’s a fire in your eyes. And, when it’s gone, I want s’more.

I want to write songs with and for you. I want to get creative with you for as long as we live.

[I see love in our stars. Ooh! Is that Jupiter?]
[Arrow points to the costume I picked out which you could rock. A costume soon to be identified if you don’t already know it.]

I want us to howl at the moon because we are madly in love.
I want to share a lifetime of slumber and costume parties.

And, I want you to light up my life. [But, a big part of that requires your help to bring us together.]

But, then again, I hardly know you! I could be totally wrong. And, if I am…if I have you completely wrong…..

[Is this the forest of true love?]
[Leaf me alone! You’re barking up the wrong tree!]

<–Again, could I just be overly infatuated, considering I haven’t actually spent any time with you in person? And, could what I’ve learned with astrology be wrong? And, what if my message comes at a bad time? When you are otherwise…well, I am sure you can finish that sentence.

…Then this is one *honey* of a WOOPS! [Now, you see Swifty Honey, a variation of the anime heroine Cutey/Cutie Honey.]

[Now you know; and knowing is half the battle.]

Happy birthday, Sunshine.

Sincerely, your secretive admirer, Writingbolt

[Awoooo! She’s not a complicated monster. She just wants a lifetime of unconventional lovin’ with Writingbolt.]
[Swift!]
[Darn tootin’.]

Don’t be a monster in my closet…
[…Unless you’re engaging me in passionate, freaky sex for the rest of our lives.]

<–Or, if you need a better understanding of that bit…
First, “The Monster in my Closet” is a title given to something you, Tay, and I have both written (though your project surely varies from mine).
Second, if someone is going to haunt my closet, I don’t want them to make me miserable. If your “monster” was someone who violated you, I am speechless. My “monster” is a sexual fantasy linked to a dream (or nightmare) I had as a child. I don’t want some past love to make me linger with regret. I want that secret visitor, monster or otherwise, to be a constant source of pleasure.–<<<

But, if you just want to hug, kiss and hold hands while we explore the universe, I can *eggroll* with that. 🙂

<–Translation: Not everyone has to be a passionate sex fiend. And, romance–though I wish to use a word that is not associated with the Roman Empire–does not need to be an endangered art. Great love can be experienced on a spiritual level, too. And…I am partial to the Far East and eggrolls, just in case we have (American) Chinese food for dinner.–<<<

To learn more about the socially timid bachelor and artist known as Writingbolt, contact him via email, using one or both of the provided methods on his contact page. Once he trusts you with this, he will open the doors to phone calls and other means of contact.

You may also find useful details by reading and/or looking at some of his blog postings here at WordPress, including aspirations for the love of his life and a few personal details that managed to escape his concern for privacy and safety.

The preceding was a thirty-page* love lett–er, birthday card to the lovely Taylor Alison Swift. Her photo and all artwork, aside from editing, were provided by internet search and cartoons painstakingly clipped by Writingbolt, pieced together into this request for a blissful relationship. If the artist is misguided or too late with his request, please inform him on how to reach Miss Swift…

*Can you guess why this was designed to include thirty pages?

Or, he will just do his best to recover and move on with his life.

<–Just to be clear…that means I am looking for a way to accurately reach you, Tay, with this message. If WordPress isn’t sufficient, I am asking for assistance. And, if there is something wrong with the message or its timing (you know what I mean), then I guess I just have to suck it up and get on with my life. I will try my best to hold my head up high and continue to honor you in my creative endeavors (as long as I don’t make myself sick).–<<<

———-

Side B

[In this variation of the previous, new thoughts pop up over the previous captions, and some images are replaced with other artworks and added effects. It’s sort of like a commentary playing over a DVD movie.]

Or, better yet, let me show you how you’ve inspired me and consume a large portion of my creative energy, since 2009.

Actually, I’ve only recently started putting your face into digital art.

[That Face]

<–What I failed to include (or cut so you wouldn’t have to pause the video to read long paragraphs at every frame) was how I’ve dabbled with pencil sketches (portraits) over the years and used your love story song, once, in an effort to play Cupid for someone. I’ve also had you in mind while crafting my own ideas for a modern Jem and the Holograms movie and writing my first books; not novels, mind you, but books. Though, I did sort of have you in mind when designing a particularly holy character in a mini-series I am still struggling to complete. But, I didn’t get the sudden urge to create so much digital art until I found the courage to post a birthday letter/greeting on my blog. These are mostly photo manipulations, something I haven’t done in years due to…–<<<

An old fear, something few, I doubt, would understand, repressed the urge for a long time.

<–I won’t adequately explain this without cracking a dam of emotion. And, I’d prefer to do that only when I feel comfortable in the company of a trusted soul. I have a feeling saying certain things makes them happen. I also have this feeling certain events have already taken place in a way that causes me to experience unpleasant (to say the least) deja vu. In my effort to counter the negative possibilities, I am crafting and voicing pleasant fantasies as one might put on a “vision board.”–<<<

But, your love story (song) lit a torch, nearly a decade ago.

<–As I just said, I started cooking with creative ideas around 2009. And, I continue to have moments when my thoughts turn to you.–<<<

[Tea with Taylor in the Morning]

<–Me imagining a Skype chat with you while sharing cups of tea, somewhat inspired by a brief segment featured on the TV series Community.–<<<

A torch that has been burning…

…through tabloid stunners and short-lived relationships…

…and kept on burning up until this day…

[I Got a Letter, Jem-esque song lyrics by Writingbolt]

…when I finally found a little song in my heart…

…and a video to compose for another.

<–Just to clarify, I was picturing you as Jerrica Benton from the Jem cartoons when the song “I Got a Letter” popped into my mind. And then, as I considered turning my vast collection of portrait/photo-manipulation variations into a video compilation, I was drawn to Elton John’s “Your Song.” It may be that easy for me to write a song. Even if it’s just a small “tease” of a song, you might say, “Why don’t you (take lessons and) write more of your own songs?” But, I have less desire to write for myself than I would, knowing I had someone valued to fill my heart. And, together, who knows what we could create……that seems to be a crutch of mine. I’m both selfish for limiting what I do until I get something in return…and selfless when I find myself desiring someone or happy to be in their company. Put a smile on my face, and you’ll likely get a hundred in return. And, if I find you in need of a smile, I’ll likely make an effort to put one on your face. But, don’t expect me to entertain you or do anything on my own unless I say I will do it. And, even then, can I guarantee I’ll follow through? Like a building that withstands centuries, I need a good foundation of love and trust to build myself up and become a better factory…or fruitful tree.–<<<

If you’re not a fan of seeing your face this way, forgive my creative choice.

<–Not everyone appreciates seeing their face being added to a cartoon (particularly a shapely anime) character. ‘Just checking. Because, as the caption reads: I don’t ever want to bring you down.–<<<

I just had a moment when I pictured you as a heroine.

And, this character came to mind. Not for what she is (technically, an android built by a man who lost his daughter and wanted to preserve her beauty as well as create a heroic female figure to fight the encroaching darkness in his world) but for her beauty and what she does.

You hear the calls of others and rush to help them.

You’re not just a musician. You’re a traveling muse and activist, in your own small way.

So, now I’m calling.

And, I pray you’ll answer.

Will you be my heroine?

[Swifty Honey…with a freshly lit torch and a “dynamite” manga (comic book) page that reflects my feelings.]

I’m not some sick child on his deathbed or charity trying to feed a nation.

I’m just a man, an artist, looking at a beautiful woman, wishing he could get to know her better.

<–That’s not exactly great English for a yet-budding author, but it came out the way it did. And, I’m sticking with that.–<<<

A face and a spirit that can improve the world better than some of the most famous artists. And, I want to honor and work with you.

<–I’ll take a favorable portrait of you over the Mona Lisa and Venus de Milo, any day.–<<<

[A one-year subscription to Rattle and Hum magazine, a blend of astrology and music in a fantasy magazine composed by you and I, featuring some columns with witty references to your favorite color and certain songs.]
[A silhouette image for a possible tour poster or just a computer’s “wallpaper,” featuring one of those acoustic guitars with your name on it.]

[Thanks, Elton John. It’s still *your song.* But, it works nicely, here.]

[A possible new (vinyl record) album cover, titled Red-Velvet Lover, a play on the band Velvet Revolver (not a personal favorite, just a name that tickled a funny nerve while thinking of writing music for you), referring to your preference for red and an image I found of you rocking a pair of red velvet boots. Also, a play on RCA Records–whether or not you associate with them–and a touch of astrology.]
[A 1970s-ish talk-show image for commercial breaks, similar to what you’d see on the old Johnny Carson and Merv Griffin shows, featuring three different looks I have seen you sport.]
[A cover for a novel I imagine us writing together. Do you like my “pen name?”]
[A portrait that includes 13 words I associate with you; 13 in regards to the day you were born.]

Nearly a gigabyte of Taylor Swift artworks and videos? Am I sick?

<–I get self-conscious, at times, wondering if I am becoming inappropriately obsessed. I’ve received quite a bit of criticism, over the years, about my personal feelings/interests. I feel all of my creative energy would be better put to use in an existent relationship and/or serving some active purpose. But, at the moment, and too often, it’s spent in a daydream, wishful thinking. I’m terrible at “breaking the ice” (at least, in the public eye). I hate just spinning my tires. But, fears get in my way and slow me down. I am quite alone and lonely with my feelings. If such whims took no time, at all, and could be made in a flash, this might seem easy to pass off as inexpensive as a casually sent greeting card or memo. But, I have really been getting sucked into this. I’m trying to finish writing a book, and this happens. And then there’s that deja vu feeling that haunts me. It would be nice to finally, someday, know someone who can take all I can give and make it feel worthwhile, to satisfy my creative spirit with gratitude and purpose.–<<<

Happy birthday, Sunshine.

Sincerely, your secretive admirer, Writingbolt (AP)

[An image of you as Adora from the 1980s She-Ra cartoon, thinking about (me), another blonde heroine you could fit. Someone off-screen asks who is the mystery man whispering in your woods. That’s a little joke about the forest the heroes (in that cartoon) defended.]
[Swifty Honey with a mob of cartoon cats; just me thinking of your interest in/preference for cats.]
[An image of you as Jerrica Benton from the 1985 Jem cartoon, receiving a letter…the inspiration for “I Got a Letter.” I was rather pleased with my effort to recreate the audio-tape-ribbon portions, as was common on Jem product packaging.]
[An image of you as Princess Zelda from the Legend of Zelda video games; except you are the beauty just starting to form your legend. Note the snake print and “Triforce” of guitar picks.]
[Another possible record album for you, titled “My Tay on the Highway,” a collection of songs to keep people entertained on road trips, featuring Swifty Honey with a *red* Jeep.]
[An image of you a few years into the future, running for President of My Heart.]
[And, lastly, a second image of you as Jerrica Benton…just another wishful thought. :)]

[And, a disclaimer for anyone other than Tay reading/watching (the video): If you are watching this, please pass the message any way you can to reach Taylor Alison Swift. And, thank you.]

As suggested, you may–and I hope you will–reach me via email via one of the methods provided on my Contact Me page (here) at WordPress. If you have any questions about myself, my creative output and/or just about anything on your mind, I am happy to answer them (in private). I may not have all the answers, but I have plenty of thoughts and opinions. 😀

===================================

 

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

 

==================================

Lengthy Disclaimer #??:  I know I’m not the only obsessing Taylor Alison Swift fan to use her image this way.  But, I’m also not the average fan…not exactly a super-fan.  Some of you know this, already…well, if you’ve been truly following my emotional tides.  I don’t study her so closely that I know her favorite everything.  I don’t subscribe to the newsletters and follow her like the camera folks that stalk her every move.  [How DOES one live like that?]

I know she likes red, cats, responding to the calls of others (though I am not sure what exactly determines who gets a response), handbags that don’t exactly sit on her long, lean arms right and enough daringly short outfits to attract every mosquito in the world and defy any concern for aging for years to come (with no need to compete with the likes of Jennifer Lopez, as some images give me the impression).  I also know what I like and don’t like, obviously, as much about her; I know what makes me think she is quite awesome and a worthy partner to challenge, complement and inspire me, as I would do the same, I think, for her.  I’ve touched on some of that, previously, and don’t want to repeat much.  I know it’s not healthy to dwell so much on someone you’ve never met, never spoken with and may never get to know as personally as you’d like.  [‘Still crossing my fingers!]  But, truth be told, she keeps getting into my head!  And, the last thing I want to do is make that sound the least bit creepy.  But, in a way, it IS a bit creepy.

For whatever reason, I had another “episode” and found myself obsessively crafting variations on these concepts.  They swallowed up a rather large chunk of time over the past few days.  But, I wasn’t having much luck crafting anything else.  As I already said, writer’s block has been shutting me down (for weeks).  And, I haven’t had much ambition to create any (useless) art for a while.  I’ve lost my practicing spark, again.  But, thinking of famous people who have captured a piece of my heart, namely Tay (as I continue to call her, affectionately), gave me a little drive to create…something.  I’m just not sure how to classify this stuff without putting myself down.

And, thinking about time passing me by, as I am sure she is thinking, too, I got to thinking about weighing these…maybe silly aspirations for the pursuit of any kind of relationship.  How much longer before the next love interest on my lofty list ties the knot?  [I had planned on posting something about one who recently got married, because it really got under my skin…but I have resisted, as I felt it wouldn’t accomplish much.]  It’s a really difficult thing for me to do, separating fantasy from reality.  It’s painful and uncertain.  I mean, if I am going to be true to my Sagittarius (or not so Sagittarius) roots, I have to believe anything is possible.  Yet, doubt, fear and a trail of tabloids have a “funny” way of bringing me down.  So, which way do I go?  All I can do, for now, is put what I have “out there.”  Right?  And, I have the feeling this isn’t the best place.  But, that’s me, too, I guess.  I don’t pick the best picnic spots.

In short–ha–I simply hope these creations serve a valid purpose and don’t just look like obsessive nonsense.  I’m considering them items on a sort of “vision board.”  I’m speaking to the universe which speaks to me.  Hear me, universe?  I’m calling out to someone I value for some reason even though we’ve had no real contact.  And, if you’re kind, you’ll help me make the right contact…if it’s meant to be…if I’m not just under some spell like one who falls in love with a character only to find the actress who played that character is nothing like the latter and thus defeats the interest.  Better to have loved and lost than never to have had the chance to love, at all, right?  Well, have I had the chance to love?  Is this the love I am to lose before I even hold her hand?

 

Advertisements
11
Apr
18

Like a Sad Puppy Looking Out the Window

***

No.  You’re not going to find any sad but cute puppy pictures here.  Go clog your storage drives elsewhere.

I’m just expressing how I feel at the moment…at this stage in my life.  And, just to let you know, I’m going to get a bit long-winded; so get comfy and prepare yourself for some heavy paragraphs if you care to read.  But, if you want a more intimate look at the real me, this is about as close as you get without making the effort to reach out and connect via the pathways I provide.  I may repeat a few things from previous posts.

I feel like time is slipping away while I struggle to stand and get moving.  I hear about neighbors I don’t socialize with regularly, finding out their kids have already married and bought houses when it seems like only a few years ago they were kids playing in the backyard.  Have I actually reached THAT age?  Am I already the gray-haired elder who talks about the little ones being taller than I remember?

I’m not particularly physically handicapped.  But, I feel emotionally and mentally challenged…crippled.  I feel starved and deprived of good energies that I’d assume propel other people into action.

If someone says I just lack motivation, what does that mean?  I should be whipped like a slave?  I should throw myself in front of a bus or hit my head against a wall til I get the picture?  I just need to take more risks, more chances?  I’m not charitable enough?  I’m not “hungry” enough?  Exactly what direction should I move in to be doing this life right?  [No.  Don’t answer that one.  There are way too many people doling out answers they think are right, already.]

It’s sad to say, too, but I look forward to and sometimes rely upon emails to communicate.  I used to turn to the landline telephone.  But, reaching people isn’t always as easy, anymore, now that there are “options” and more things to distract people (rather than connect them).  I don’t mind leaving a message if I know I’ll get a response.  But, I don’t want to be the guy calling at “a bad time” and feeling like I am expecting the person to be my therapist while they are wondering when I’ll stop gabbing because they have “more important” things to do (that I could/should be doing myself).  Often enough, talking on the phone makes me feel worse, later, than I do composing a letter or email (which, for me, often turns out as long or longer than some letters I used to write).

So, when I finally do get an email or offer to email, I perk my head up a little and might even pant before responding as soon as possible.  Sometimes, I go out of my way, give it more time than most would, really try to make it into something special, something personal and considerate.  Over the years, I’ve realized that usually smells of desperation and is not–as often as I’d like–appreciated.

I try to be patient with others, particularly when they say they are sorry they cannot respond sooner/more often.  I say, “Oh, that’s okay.  You’re busy.  Take your time.”  And, then what happens?  I don’t hear from these people for weeks, months…  And, well, if it goes past a year, I pretty much assume our connection is dead.   [One sad, lonely dog, looking too hard for attention over here.]

“Back in the day,” (heh) you might write to a pen pal and wait a year for a response.  But, you were not considering that pen pal anything more than a seasonal visitor like the Easter Bunny or Kris Kringle.  You didn’t expect much from a pen pal and were grateful, hopefully, when they felt thoughtful enough to send a treat or souvenir.

I don’t look for pen pals at this stage of my life.  If my “circle” was that fulfilling but too local to satisfy my explorative interests, I might look for a stranger overseas to tell me tales.  But, these days, you don’t need a pen pal for that.  You can find people like that online!…in places like this one!  And, if they are friendly enough, you can exchange dialogue!  Isn’t that nice?  [Not that there’s much dialogue going around from what I can see.  More often, I see “award” notices, strangely worded/ignored comments from faceless strangers, brief words of vague sympathy and plenty of “snapshot” responses (the LIKES and the FOLLOWS) which are void of warmth.]

My timing and my low level of comfort with mingling are also terrible.  It seems I am always inside when others are taking walks outside.  [Again, the sad puppy looking out the windows.]  And, even if I cross paths with someone while walking, I’m in no way comfortable striking up a conversation.

For one, I don’t want to come off like an intrusion or misunderstood threat.  I don’t want to take away from the exercise or interaction someone else may be having with their exercise group/companion(s) (while I am almost always alone).  If they only have so much time to exercise, why try to or expect them to stop and gab as long as I may?

Secondly, or rather, additionally in regards to general discomfort, I am not comfortable talking on a walk or in public for more than a minute or two because I know my skin is thin and that I will break the dam wide open if given a chance.  And, the last thing I want is to get loud or breakdown among passersby who are likely to turn their heads and very quickly add to my discomfort.  What’s wrong with him?  Do you really want to know?  [Not to mention all the concerns I’d have of being rejected or “judged” for expressing or hearing something that disturbs one of us.]

What I really would like is to meet someone on a walk or online (or somewhere far more comfortable, wherever that is) and spark a conversation but take it somewhere more private so I don’t expose my “ills,” my concerns, my woes, my heavier thoughts to more people than necessary, especially to people you don’t know who are capable of doing things with your output that might shock and/or upset you.

And, I think that’s what I’ve been doing and striving to do since the internet began.  [I am pretty sure I’ve discussed my experiences with making contacts online elsewhere in my posts.  I just don’t feel like linking or repeating.  And, hey, if you really need to know, you just ask.]

I don’t or can’t expect someone I just met to welcome me into their home or car (and that doesn’t sound too smart to begin with, anyway). I really don’t know where to go to make this happen.  Nor do I have any bright idea or motivation to make myself more comfortable.  It’s one thing when you have a friend or “wingman” with you.  It’s a whole other to feel as fragile as I do and try to go it alone.  I mean, I am sure people do it and have done it.  And, if it comes down to it, I’ll figure out a way.  But, time is passing by so quickly, and I am still spinning my tires.

It sure would be nice if more people reached out to me, too.  Ya know?  I feel worse thinking the world is only going to get better if I make it better for myself (and others).  For all the stories I read of people making things happen, starting businesses and such, I don’t see people reaching out to me.  I keep getting the feeling like I’m different and have to do the leg work for others.  They might have tons of offers or be going through applications/resumes like some location seeking employees.  But, I remain the lone applicant just hoping to make a dent, to get my foot in a door.  [Stop looking like that, sad puppy man!]

Am I just living in some TV show or video game?  Is this just a 4D world in which I have the controller to make things happen?  Have I been so bewildered by the simulations that I forgot I am Player One?

Some would say I just need to get busy or be busier with my life.  When you’re busy, you don’t think as much (about these things).  And, while that may be true, do I want to busy myself with work that does nothing other than feed the careless, wasteful impulses of others (just because someone chooses to make a business of that, because someone convinced them this was profitable) or work for someone who sells a lie built around fear/doubt?

Oh, sure, I could get very busy.  I could not make any money and devote my life to charity because the world sure needs plenty of help.  But, I am terribly afraid of my social and general anxieties getting in the way, of ending up penniless and dependent upon some system I don’t necessarily understand or like.  It’s not like I would be good at balancing charity with doing everything I need to support myself.  I’d more likely give my all and wind up with nothing…or give so little that I feel like a cheapskate/miser.  It is all a bit too risky for me.  [Yet, charity sounds better than some alternatives.]

Sigh.  Woof!

 

 

 

 

02
Feb
17

WordPress!! My Contact Me Page Is Not Working!

****

Okay, you WordPress cogs.  What’s the deal with my Contact Me form/page?  Someone has told me they can send links/messages to their own mailbox.  I have people visiting my page; but I get no letters/notes.  I even sent myself a note; but it did not arrive in the mailbox.

I feel like every week I am sitting in a leaky submarine and having to fetch waterproofing tape when a new glitch appears.  It gets tiresome, fast.

31
Aug
15

New package, Same Product, Still Losers

********

That’s a quote (I think) from Megatron in the second season of Beast Wars.

********

It randomly comes to mind as I think about the concept of mail, letters, keeping in touch with those we care to converse but can’t quite reach by phone or in person for whatever reason.

I think back to a time when I first learned how to write a letter.  It was a very important matter that came in two varieties.  I wrote my first classmate as a pen pal, and we both laughed as if it was cute.  But, that didn’t last.  I wrote my first business letter and got one of the best surprises of my life.

The years roll by…and I would write letters in high school the way some kids pass notes in class.  No one really appreciated the effort.

More years roll by, and I see something in a magazine about pen pals.  I gave that a try.  And, lucky me, I met a gal who liked to doodle on envelopes the way I did.  We stayed in touch for a while.  But, I started to feel like I was back in grade school, only talking kid stuff and never really connecting with the person on what mattered at my “age.”  I needed more of a persona, mature connection, someone I could sit with and cry about adult matters.  Not a crazed toy and video game fan who only wanted to discuss the latest product as if she was working for the company.  So, I let that go.

Then came the age of the internet, and I learned the ropes of email and online chat.  I’ve approached countless strangers from around the globe and emailed a handful.  That handful comes and goes like the tide.  Faces change…heck, I don’t even get to see faces.  I didn’t see faces when I wrote on paper.  And, I don’t often see faces on the computer screen.  That much hasn’t changed.

But, what HAS changed is how–in this age of quick and easy responses–more time seems to escape me between contacts.  I go longer periods without hearing from someone I like and wonder if they haven’t just floated off into deep space or read something they didn’t care to read and took off like a scared gazelle.  I feel like I am stuck on an island sending out messages in a bottle.  And, how foolish I am to think I could keep speaking with any one who has the guts to respond just once.

Heck, it might even be my own fault sometimes….no, I do my part.  At least, until technology fails me.

How do I end this emotional rant?

How about…

Sincerely, the friend you haven’t met yet,

Writingbolt




Archives

Advertisements