Posts Tagged ‘cold

30
Dec
15

You Wanna Know How Much I Hate Snow?

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You wanna know how much I hate snow?

How it makes travel, especially foot and road traffic perilous…even deadly?

How it turns into back-breaking cement and takes lives by heart attack?

How mean kids torture their prey by stuffing nonviolent faces into the icy crap?

How it can inflict pain and rash upon the skin, rivaled only by sunburn?

How it can freeze, bursting pipes and ravaging roads treated with salt?

So, to all you dreamers out there who think snow, the white reaper of winter, is the romantic cousin of a gentle spring rain, I’ve got one thing to say to you…

Get help.

Send help.

If you want to experience snow, take your chances traveling somewhere void of human life. Come prepared for anything. VISA might take you there, but it won’t get you out. And, good luck meeting a pretty yuki-onna while you’re lost in the blinding, freezing wilderness.

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07
Oct
15

Cappuccino Double Mocha Milkshake; When the Sh!@ Hits the Fan

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Warning: This rant/expose will be a bit graphic. So, if you are about to eat a meal or just finished one, please turn back now.

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There’s one more reason I hate coffee and will bristle when I encounter anyone who insists upon having coffee daily.

I thought I was having a chocolate milkshake. Instead, the cold Cappuccino double mocha milkshake had me. I mean…it fooled me and humiliated me. And, if I ever fall for something like this, again, I should just walk myself out into the middle of the street or wilderness and let the world have at me.

I actually appreciated the first trip to the bathroom after having a big meal.

Wait. Do I sound like a diet drink ad? Well, I sure feel like one. This had to be a diet purging powder disguised as a coffee drink. And, if that’s true, Hills Bros., you have poked the wrong hornet’s nest.

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By the third trip, one hour later, I was no longer relieved.

And, on the fourth trip, the shit really hit the fan…the back of the toilet, the bathroom floor, the plunger, the bathroom walls, my underpants, my pants, my shoes……

I had just finished disinfecting the bathroom and went to sit for five minutes with a sore, wet behind (one step from taking a shower to get over the mess) when I was summoned back to the big white phone a fifth time.

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That wasn’t the end of it. No. I made two more trips and practically dropped to my knees in prayer by trip #7. What was left inside me? Not much, I suspect. Not even an emergency banana (ala the BRAT diet) could save me the pain and mess.

I finally took my shower and prayed the whole time that I would not have to jump out and sit soaking wet and freezing on the toilet one more time…or paint the shower brown. Thankfully, as I type this, I have not made another trip (yet).

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If I was the sort to take legal action, this would be a whopper. [And, if you happen to be a noble lawyer reading this, today is your lucky day!] I feel like Kramer from Seinfeld suing for a burn from hot coffee. I feel like an idiot for trying the recipe. I even cut it back because I thought it was too much powder. [Though, I doubled my dose because 6 oz. didn’t seem like enough. Even the milkshakes and iced coffees I get at McDonald’s are bigger than 6 oz. And, they never had any effect other than making me talk a little faster for a while.]

You know what I’d really like to do? And, this comes from the dark little Scorpio side buried deep within me that rarely wishes to exact sweet revenge. I’d like to ship my soiled underpants to the manufacturer in a nice little gift box with a clever note and someone to take pictures of the staff’s reaction(s).

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Dear Hills Bros.,

Your Cappuccino double mocha powder is the shit. And, I say that emphatically after cleaning the entire bathroom on my fourth trip. Let me express my appreciation with this small gift of my soiled underpants. ‘Smells like a winner to me! Doesn’t it? Enjoy.

Sincerely,
Writingbolt

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I’d like to stick those soiled underpants in someone’s face. I’d like to serve the same milkshake to the staff and wait for them to run to the bathroom to experience the same agony I went through. That’s how I feel right now as I get the urge to laugh maniacally.

Forget suing for millions of dollars. Well, if I got a dream home out of the lawsuit, that’d be sweet. But, if all I’d come away with are a few hundred or thousand dollars, I’d rather exact my sweet revenge. If two wrongs don’t make a right, I think seven wrongs make the manufacturers fair game for some retaliation. Right? 🙂

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This is a warning to anyone who dares to purchase a particular Cappuccino double mocha powdered mix from the wonderful wizards of Hills Bros. DO NOT follow any directions that say you can drink it cold. Unless you’re inclined to stick your finger down your throat and barf til your teeth fall out and your ribs are showing. Then, please, have a milkshake…and a cheeseburger.




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