Posts Tagged ‘coffee


Mad Guide to Living Your Life Better, August 2019 issue


Pop a happy pill and drink some water before entering this matrix.


Every so often, there’s a new pitch for how to live your life better than you already are. And, often enough, the pitch switches sides, telling you what you previously thought is now wrong. For example, too much coffee…or, later, any coffee is not good for you. Then, turn around a few times, and it’s recommended for this and/or that benefit. And, that’s just the tip of the shit-berg.

Have I said this before? Coffee?

You may have heard gluten is bad…for some, anyway. And, the world screams as it changes all of its labels to read GLUTEN FREE PRODUCT, whether you’re buying cereal or sunglasses. [You think that’s crazy until you find rubber boots that can cause the big bad C and require warnings from certain states, telling people to buy and wear them at their own risk.]

Sunglasses. Now, those have been around for some time. But, did you know you should be wearing the best protective sort every single day to protect and prolong your life? [Did you know we are mole people and should be living underground to get away from the big bad sun which we need for vitamins and sanity but can also kill us?]

Did you know dangerous rays are all over the world and constantly threatening you? Do you have sunglasses as big as radar dishes covering your face? Well, you should. And, sadly–sorry, ex-military businessman with the nifty sales pitch in each of his different product ads–there’s nothing on the market that big, today. Latest news reports say you should be wearing big, goofy shades with 100% UV protection even on cloudy days, when people I meet think I am silly for wearing them. [I wear them on some cloudy days just because I suffer from social anxiety, in part due to poor distance vision which denies me from seeing some faces clearly.]

And, what goes into just about every pair of sunglasses? Plastic. And, plastic, lately, is getting a bad rap in the USA for being low on recycle-ability. I guess it has something to do with international relations, particularly China.

Plastic is quickly becoming a landfill and water supply hazard (while more and more people pitch frivolous kids’ products all made with some kind of synthetic fiber and/or plastic in this age of “everyone’s an online salesperson looking for a buck to party”). Which is kinda ironic, considering the push for plastic and recycling which so many if not all of us bought into all these years. Heck. We just recently invented plastic printers for making layer-upon-layer of goop to fabricate fun little things we never thought possible that way.

So, now, celebs are jumping on the aluminum bandwagon, again. Aluminum, in. Plastic, out.

Canned water? Unbelievable.  I’ve already had canned water.  Someone I know calls it “La Crotch.”  As if bottled water wasn’t sad enough. We might as well carry canteens everywhere; canteens outfitted with water filters. Hmm…..

If that’s too heavy for you, you should know that optimism is important to prolonging your life, some study says just to fill air time on the local/world news. Good to know. Right? But, pull up your pants and spit out your gum. Because, wait; there’s more.

Many of you out there are of the mindset that a vegetarian/vegan diet is the way to go; and poo on us meat eaters for slaughtering intelligent life. Cows have feelings, ya know! Well, recent reports say a vegan diet lacks certain nutrients key to brain health (including B12?). So, if you don’t eat your meat, you might lose your mind.

That reminds me. I have a chicken sandwich waiting for me…in a plastic container. Uh oh. No. Not the plastic. Well, yes, right now that plastic is a problem. But, so is the chicken. I don’t know if that’s a naturally raised chicken or one from a lab. I thought it was bad enough when I heard chickens were being pumped full of stuff to make them bust-ier for more meat on the bone. But, now I hear chickens are being made in test tubes because farmers can’t cope with raising them the old-fashion way anymore?

What the freak have we become when we no longer hunt or raise animals according to the laws of nature? Are we those freakish movie vampires that keep humans in giant blood bags to harvest blood? What’s next? Synthetic cow meat? Mutant strawberries? [Well, we already have those…just without the abilities to moan and walk.]

Let me just pause right there and scream for a minute at the thought of all human food coming from laboratories and/or factories. How F’d up does the planet have to be for that? Why are we prolonging the inevitable? Why not just nuke the whole thing and call it done?

Why are we waiting for the next big celebrity break-up song, pointless award show or waste-of-time-and-money charity (aka tax write-off) game show? Do I really need the lovely Taylor Alison Swift to tell me we are never, never, never putting this Humpty-Dumpty world back together? Why are we looking at Mars or wasting our time here? Mars is not going to be better than this if we are just as stupid as we are tomorrow.

You’d think I’d say “as smart as we are today,” but how smart do we really project ourselves? We keep thinking we’ll be smarter…and then something else stupid happens to make us think otherwise (or that’s just how modern man keeps pitching things to keep everyone scared little cattle chasing fool’s gold and feeding the wealthy).

Tree of knowledge? No, dumbasses. It was the tree of foolishness that made us think we were pursuing progress. We’re so far removed from nature that we can’t see the shit on our faces.

And, what about the big marijuana and vaping crazes? While many claim both are not smoking old-fashion cigarettes and fair to your health, recent reports say no marijuana is safe for minors and pregnant women. And, vaping is as bad or worse than the old cigarettes…for some reason, due to a marijuana ingredient? [Wha? T-That’s ridiculous!] So, if you are a stressed out pregnant woman looking to ease your mind, you already can’t drink alcohol or smoke cigarettes. And, now, marijuana is out. So, find yourself a hand to mutilate and go to town on that poor soul.

But, remember to be optimistic and live longer. Because you’ll want to live longer to buy more stuff to protect that longer life to buy more stuff and live a longer life until you can no longer lift your fingers and need a robot body to take over, buying replacement parts to live a longer life and buy more stuff to protect its hardware and software. Because, down the road, you know they’re going to have concerns for gluten-ous viruses and hazardous app drugs corrupting hard drives everywhere.

So, be sure to advise your future robot self to stay optimistic…if optimism is even a thing, by then, and not replaced with “optimalism.” You know…like optimizing your computer when it’s newly bought, taking out all the cheap promotional stuff that slows it down like a boot on a car. Nutty sales gimmicks.

[You may scream, now. And then, get happy.]

Live long and stay optimistic, mad world dwellers! Or, live fast, cheap and die happy. No suicides….be-hecause that would be crazy! I mean, you were brought into this world. You might as well get your money’s worth. Just try not to breathe too deep, run too fast or fly too close to the sun. Oh. And, ignore that tree over there.


Cappuccino Double Mocha Milkshake; When the Sh!@ Hits the Fan


Warning: This rant/expose will be a bit graphic. So, if you are about to eat a meal or just finished one, please turn back now.


There’s one more reason I hate coffee and will bristle when I encounter anyone who insists upon having coffee daily.

I thought I was having a chocolate milkshake. Instead, the cold Cappuccino double mocha milkshake had me. I mean…it fooled me and humiliated me. And, if I ever fall for something like this, again, I should just walk myself out into the middle of the street or wilderness and let the world have at me.

I actually appreciated the first trip to the bathroom after having a big meal.

Wait. Do I sound like a diet drink ad? Well, I sure feel like one. This had to be a diet purging powder disguised as a coffee drink. And, if that’s true, Hills Bros., you have poked the wrong hornet’s nest.


By the third trip, one hour later, I was no longer relieved.

And, on the fourth trip, the shit really hit the fan…the back of the toilet, the bathroom floor, the plunger, the bathroom walls, my underpants, my pants, my shoes……

I had just finished disinfecting the bathroom and went to sit for five minutes with a sore, wet behind (one step from taking a shower to get over the mess) when I was summoned back to the big white phone a fifth time.


That wasn’t the end of it. No. I made two more trips and practically dropped to my knees in prayer by trip #7. What was left inside me? Not much, I suspect. Not even an emergency banana (ala the BRAT diet) could save me the pain and mess.

I finally took my shower and prayed the whole time that I would not have to jump out and sit soaking wet and freezing on the toilet one more time…or paint the shower brown. Thankfully, as I type this, I have not made another trip (yet).


If I was the sort to take legal action, this would be a whopper. [And, if you happen to be a noble lawyer reading this, today is your lucky day!] I feel like Kramer from Seinfeld suing for a burn from hot coffee. I feel like an idiot for trying the recipe. I even cut it back because I thought it was too much powder. [Though, I doubled my dose because 6 oz. didn’t seem like enough. Even the milkshakes and iced coffees I get at McDonald’s are bigger than 6 oz. And, they never had any effect other than making me talk a little faster for a while.]

You know what I’d really like to do? And, this comes from the dark little Scorpio side buried deep within me that rarely wishes to exact sweet revenge. I’d like to ship my soiled underpants to the manufacturer in a nice little gift box with a clever note and someone to take pictures of the staff’s reaction(s).


Dear Hills Bros.,

Your Cappuccino double mocha powder is the shit. And, I say that emphatically after cleaning the entire bathroom on my fourth trip. Let me express my appreciation with this small gift of my soiled underpants. ‘Smells like a winner to me! Doesn’t it? Enjoy.



I’d like to stick those soiled underpants in someone’s face. I’d like to serve the same milkshake to the staff and wait for them to run to the bathroom to experience the same agony I went through. That’s how I feel right now as I get the urge to laugh maniacally.

Forget suing for millions of dollars. Well, if I got a dream home out of the lawsuit, that’d be sweet. But, if all I’d come away with are a few hundred or thousand dollars, I’d rather exact my sweet revenge. If two wrongs don’t make a right, I think seven wrongs make the manufacturers fair game for some retaliation. Right? 🙂


This is a warning to anyone who dares to purchase a particular Cappuccino double mocha powdered mix from the wonderful wizards of Hills Bros. DO NOT follow any directions that say you can drink it cold. Unless you’re inclined to stick your finger down your throat and barf til your teeth fall out and your ribs are showing. Then, please, have a milkshake…and a cheeseburger.