Archive for the 'Movie Reviews' Category

14
Aug
19

Award Shows Are Bogus ver. 081419

***

I’ve been fairly certain for a while. But, now, I am convinced; award shows are complete crap, utter rubbish, excessively expensive lies designed to look glamorous at the expense of souls.

All participants…all of those members of the “foreign press”…are either naïve or devious scum. Now, some of that naïve scum could redeem itself; there’s still hope. But, those who run the machines are surely black as sin or the thickest roots in an underground railroad to decide, like some Hunger Games contest, which celebrities and “little people” (the faceless crew members who outnumber the big names and slave over the projects of those who call themselves producers) get food and care for the year and who gets to fight over the scraps and eat shit. The lucky ones get their names attached to the next box-office big ticket while the bottom of the food chain gets to show of their bodies and talk stupid in the films that come out at the end of summer, when “kids” go back to school and no one gives a flying fook what they watch.

Now, breathe. And, let me shed a little light on the shape of this crap…or, rather, what supports my stomach-turning, fury-stoking feelings.

Every year, there’s that “best picture” film that takes one big award and another…and another…and gets so much buzz from all those cracked camera-toting tabloid freak shows who put every famous and not-so-famous face on the spot with stupid questions, testing them to see if they crack and say anything different from their last interview, anything negative about the people they recently knew as part of the crew. Everybody is “amazing.” Every experience is something good for the resume, even if the person secretly loathed or struggled through it. Every director is uniquely talented. Every interview is to make sure the next job goes smoothly and to collect a check; so don’t expect anyone to answer openly and honestly, even if you’re straight-shooting, expected-to-cuss Samuel L. Jackson.

So, why do we even do interviews?! It’s not for the fans. It’s for promotion…more and more promotion. An interview is a talking movie poster which can’t say anything about what happens in the movie, due to contractual threats that pretty much shackle all who partake in making the expensive torture package that actors refuse to watch because they struggled through it; they didn’t enjoy it. An interview is just a painful showcase of faces who habitually look down when they feel the urge to lie, to hold in the vomit and glaze over what they’d like to say. Hey! Look who’s in the movie! And, they’re talking without reading a script! How amazing…like watching animals behind glass in a zoo.

If you really enjoyed making something, wouldn’t you want to look at it, again? Or, do you go crazy because you find a mistake and realize you can’t correct it? Your hard work is now someone else’s baby, and you have no control. So, all your effort amounts to what someone makes of it. That’s rather cruel punishment in its own way and not respectful to the creative soul.

And, I have sampled a number of these “amazing” films. Not one has earned 5 out of 5 stars with me; they’re all lucky if they get a 3. I saw The English Patient, Schindler’s List, The Hurt Locker and, just recently, The Shape of Water. Oh, there was SO much buzz about The Shape of Water, not too long ago. And, I remember the high praise the rare FEMALE director got for The Hurt Locker. Of all the films I just mentioned, I guess The Hurt Locker was the best…but that’s not saying much. When you put Average Joe in a pageant with four corpses beaten to a bloody pulp, of course Average Joe is going to look good and smell all the sweeter. It’s like that one girl in school who gathers a cluster of less pretty girls around her so she stands out as the pretty one; it’s like some status tactic used by schools of fish.

Now, let me come right out and say I did not see these films in the theater for a good reason; I had my doubts from the start. And, again, it took just one lousy lie of a rental to sully my belief in all the award talk. But, I keep hope alive, and I…I guess maybe I’m a little naïve, too, yet, to give these other “hits” a chance. I want to see what makes them so great.

So, let’s talk about my latest mistake, The Shape of Water. Oh, how the director got lauded with praise and looked so sweet and innocent on stage, giving his grand speech and kudos to all who let him make such a…gruesome, rude and lewd film. If I may be so frank, it’s as if he was extremely horny and hungry while watching the old Creature from the Black Lagoon, late at night, and then had the nerve to think making a remake with more nudity and foul language was a great idea. What a damn creative fool.

Sally Hawkins is the poster woman for the demure, docile, closet freak. Thank goodness she didn’t go on some murderous rampage; that would have really ruined the part. All crap aside, she gave the film an ounce of redemption…well, aside from what she had to do in the first half-hour. Seriously, del Toro, excessive nudity…excessive because it had NOTHING to do with the story. Nada. You didn’t get a close up of her scars until the one guy examined her. No; you just had her get naked, over and over, again, for your personal amusement.

And, what was with the other sex scene? Why didn’t you go one step or two steps further? Why not have the gay artist–with his foul mouth and obsessive dialogue–take advantage of the pie guy? Come on, throw in some finger this and f-that while they indulge in some gay sex. Or, why couldn’t Octavia Spencer get naked with her husband? Why can’t black and gay folks get fair sex play? Booo! No, I’m just kidding. But, really, why include any sex other than what was the focus of the film? There only had to be one sex scene, and you spoiled it before they got in the tub.

I would not be surprised if you ended up in court with all the other poor and stupid men who are getting grilled for indecent actions. I would not be surprised if something popped out of your closet. Why can’t you keep certain lewd thoughts to yourself? And, why did you have to make the film so graphic when it could have been a much nicer and just as exotic love story?

You went down some Stephen King, Martin Scorsese, Quentin Tarantino side street and drove through Frank Miller’s neighborhood. You took Splash and turned it into Sin City. Oh, sure the ending is bittersweet and finally happy; but I ate a ton of shit before I could even try to smile; so the whole experience left me queasy. You poured acid on my whipped cream sundae. You’re not the worst film maker out there…but The Shape of Water had better not be your opus. I’d like the water to wash it out of my memory so I can fantasize, again. Your “big hit” is a giant seagull dropping, not something I could comfortably watch more than once. It has little to no replay value; I’d snip off just the final ten minutes and call it a lovely short film that encompasses the best of the story…which pretty much makes the movie another Citizen Kane; just spare us the horrific two-plus hours and tell us it was your childhood sled.

You want my humble rating? Would that do anything for you? I’d give The Shape of Water 1 out of 5 stars, overall. I’d give Sally Hawkins 4 stars for being a beautiful, caring freak who thankfully didn’t do anything too gross or wrong to make me hate her; and I feel sorry for her, for having to expose herself the way she did. I’d give cinematography 3 stars, maybe 4, because the movie did have a decent colored noir quality to it; it suited a Dick Tracy sort of story. But, Octavia Spencer pretty much reprised her roll in The Help; so what can I rave about that? One black woman in an otherwise white world? And, the story? I already said; it’s The Creature from the Black Lagoon in modern 3-DUH, Dolby foul mouth, bloody Sunday whack-a-vision. You get no points for creativity other than visual artistry, period. You are just another big name with all of the latest tools in your kit, and when given the chance to build a sand castle, you played with mud pies. When you had the chance to focus on a Cinderella story, you chose to screw the docile doe in the dark room; you put the horny jerk in the same cage with the last unicorn (and thank goodness *that* didn’t happen). [And, FYI, oddities eating cats went out with Alf…and it wasn’t any funnier then, either…but it was suggested, not on camera.]

But, ya all come back now and watch my masterpiece, again, ya hear? This is a family show…not. It definitely earns its R rating, unlike some films that only get an R because of one lousy little cross of the line. I’d say The Shape of Water even edges an X rating…because there was more flashing of boob and overt sex than most R-rated films I’ve seen.

Here’s a brief lesson in the school of suggestion: Sex, nudity and gore can be veiled and still convey the message.
1) When Sally’s character takes a bath or shower, we could see her silhouette behind a shower curtain, and we’d still know she’s naked. Or, you could have her enter the bathroom and cut to her already covered in soap suds; no need to expose the actress or any body double you may have used…which would only make the whole effort even more stupid and pointless.

When I was in school, my English/writing teachers would draw red circles around portions of stories that didn’t contribute to the plot or characters and took away from the overall enjoyment. What you included (which turned me off and made me ill) was definitely not key to anything; I am sure most viewers would be aware of a person needing to get naked for a bath or having sex with a wife…or were you afraid people might think the creep’s marriage was void of sex?…hey, that might have made that other scene with the cleaning lady better; ya know?

2) A rather pointless sex scene could be conveyed with sounds and/or two flirty people slipping into a room together; ya don’t have to show the woman exposing herself and the cruel, creepy, FBI-ish, White-Collar-Bizarro guy throttling her on the bed!

[How to curb/replace the excessive foul and lewd language is another matter…I’d just omit it. It didn’t make the love story any prettier. It just lumped your enchanting crapper-piece with the likes of Superbad and…I can’t think of any other crappers at the moment…thank goodness they are washed from memory. I’ve seen movies with rape scenes that were just as creepy/unsettling but more suggestive than overt.]

3) When your feature creature wants to eat another animal… Couldn’t you have shown the creature holding the cat and then cut away to an audio clip of someone crunching celery. Then, when the owner returns, have him look down and recoil in horror…and we’d get it! We’d know why he’s horrified. Ya don’t have to show all the bits and blood. Bleh!

Can you imagine some steamy love story where the man makes the woman bleed in the you-know-what area and one or both lovers develop a scarring STD after they have their sweaty fun? [Ya know what; that just gave me a crazy idea for a sexual alien comedy that would still be far cleaner than your mess.] Would you enjoy that movie as much as a more suggestive one without the unfortunate side effects of some realities? There’s a line between realistic and horrifying reality…and you sure cross it, mister, but not for the benefit of the viewers…unless you want to scare people away from love fantasies and support eating disorders…because I could have developed one had I kept my eyes glued on the screen and not used the fast-forward button.

At this rate, I could lose my appetite for film, altogether, before I am old enough to be a cripple stuck in a wheelchair in front of some TV with a bunch of other elder folks losing their minds to medication abuse. Just think…what’s the use in going into movie-making, aspiring to create some soul-satisfying masterpiece when the whole industry is one more mine field of twisted metal, of warping your dreams into nightmares and slave labor? People are dying and committing suicide for some reason. And, it doesn’t surprise me when I try to grasp what all goes into this industry and the infuriating cover-ups that get splashed all over TV screens, even when some creative soul dies tragically.

Losing my appetite for film would be a serious crime against nature, against my creative soul. The water is so polluted, even I am having a hard time writing/creating anything spectacular; but, then again, I work alone, most of the time. I don’t have a clue what it’s like to be surrounded by teammates who can actually work together to make something run like clockwork and make people wonder what the budget must have been to create such a spectacle.

So, I must remind myself not to pay a lick of attention to award shows. Or, at least, I must go to bed before that final fifteen minutes into overtime when we viewers are supposed to be holding our breaths for the big reveal, the final envelope of crap. I must write them off and stick to the trailers that work for me.

Sell me a good trailer, and I’ll give you a chance. And, if you lie to me…..well, let’s just say my response will be…amazing, amazing crying crazy amazing. You’ll certainly find me writing you off my interest list. And, I have ways of swaying the masses. Not that it matters much when the majority seems to be losing all sense of creativity, as if they’ve become so numb from countless abusive images that they no longer have the brain cells to produce anything remotely as good as the stories they refuse to let go, stories from so long ago, they’ve been dragged behind cars for decades, tossing through one remake after another like tin cans on strings.

You know who the real losers are here (aside from creative souls)? The movie theaters and good people who appreciate them. All of the modern technology this world pushes for and all of the crappy, expensive films that get made…bump out all of the wonderful places that one could say feel like a second home. The day when someone decides to shut down the last movie theater in favor of some microscopic internet service station (ding! ding! goes the air tube keeping you couch potatoes alive), I’m sure to cry or have a considerably furious stomach upset because it will be like a nuclear bomb going off and destroying some serene tourist attraction. [Don’t get me started on the horrors of nuclear power pursuits.]

There wouldn’t be any concern for piracy if people didn’t introduce devices that could do such a thing. And, if movie theaters could afford better security without making visitors feel violated like other venues that practically X-ray you when you walk through, if people still cared, maybe thieves wouldn’t get away with what they still do, even after the days of VHS and the most primitive of camcorders. I don’t know why anyone cares about bootlegging, lately…because I am not sure what films are really worth stealing. Or, is that why so many films suck and twist the original story material?…is that why Michael Bay mangled Transformers?…because too many pirates were trying to make a buck off other people’s work? So, since the dawn of film piracy, everyone in the industry just started pumping out their worst, not their best? We settled into dependency upon whatever the latest technology is and putting up poster children as feature stars? Are we selling good stories or the latest model of movie camera you can only get at exclusive electronics stores?…on sale this week until tomorrow…flash sale!

And, breathe. I…don’t know how to wrap this up. The stench is just pouring out of me. So, I leave it as it is, like a broken garbage bag. I had to air it out, though, so I didn’t die from the stink in silence. Now, you know, and knowing is half the battle.

26
Apr
19

Marvel’s Avengers: Endgame, Movie Review

***

I refuse to start this review with one of those term-paper introductions that splash the movie title and throw in a blurb about some big-name actor or how the movie is grossing tons of money around the world. It won’t make you a grateful bunch of readers. Instead, you get this… [Snap!]

So, this is it…as far as “its” go in terms of ending an epic string of movies. It’s like Back to the Future…except it’s nothing like Back to the Future…buuuut it is. Confusing; right? The “wizards” of Marvel Studios and Disney put their mushy “I’m running out of creative ideas! What’s Paul Rudd doing this week?” heads together and came up with…this…with Avengers: Endgame. And, just about everyone you’ve seen in a Marvel movie (not everyone) since 2008 makes an appearance.

So, if you like family reunions and looking at moving photographs of lots of people you might have known, this is IT! This is your movie. But, as for the hype–which I gotta say is far less than I’ve seen for a number of other “franchises” (like Harry Potter and Star Wars, even though Star Wars has felt like it’s been dragging the original three films through the murky mud of some fan’s brain for some time…and both of those franchises haven’t come close to this many films)…and considering the theater I was at for the premiere was only half-full–meh.

[Wait. The theater was half-full…half of the theater was empty. Damn you, Thanos! You got to the audience, too!]

[I said “so,” twice, in case you didn’t notice. That’s because this is a so-so movie.]

I’m getting reeeeeeally tired of being the bearer of bad news. So, I’ll keep my typically lengthy opinions unusually short (if I can…which I usually don’t…so maybe I won’t). We’ll see just how time and space grabs me. Ya know…spitball this review thing and see what happens. There’s only one possibility that will work…and it’s the one that will get this thing written.

In short (ha), I think we are not far from making movies in which the people paid all the big bucks don’t even have to work in the same room, just let the hundreds of “little people” piece all the bits together and run it like a cartoon…like some sports video game that required every famous face from the team putting on little dots and moving in front of some motion-detection equipment. We can make a big-budget movie by just having the stars make fools of themselves in their hotel rooms; they’ll never look at themselves on film and will just B.S. through countless interviews, telling everyone how “amazing” it is to work with all those other people they didn’t see in the same space and time…it’s just another job. They came, they pooped on themselves, they collected their paychecks. Punched in…punched out. [And, at that rate, how long is it before people punch in and punch out of the movie theaters?…or stop going completely because either movies lose their charm or people cheat to watch them other ways? And, all that technological artistry is just feeding a mechanical monster that is consuming everything organic like Galactus…you know, that giant cosmic-empowered guy that appeared in a Fantastic Four movie oh so long ago…when Chris Evans was “flaming” instead of strutting in blue spandex…well, a different outfit made of blue spandex.

I seriously do not want movie theaters to go the way of the phone booth, people! Let’s not be so damn lazy and careless about this! And, that goes for movie makers, too. You have to either put in the effort or find someone who will. Help out the little people who have grand ideas but little means of making 3D molds of everything and “sitting down” with “big stars” whenever you send a call their way…or their “agent’s” way…or by contacting SHIELD…or however you do it these days.

All right! All right! I know. I just went way off into space, lost track of time and reality, got consumed with stomach-turning thoughts about people in power and haven’t said much about the actual movie…sort of like Captain Marvel’s part in the final “shebang.” Let me see what nuggets of goodness I can pull from this “billion-dollar blockbuster.”

Well… I’ll give it one big point for the final battle. When you hear Chris Evans say, “Avengers…assemble,” you get the second half of some serious, bad-ass clashing. If “Infinity War” didn’t alter what you thought was possible, this movie will. But, then, it’s just one group’s take on the Marvel universe, just like any comic book being re-written by someone who is lucky if they knew the previous writers and artists. [And, how many people have played the Hulk and Spider-Man in the past 20 years?…anyway.] You might have thought it was big news in the previous movies when there were roughly a dozen characters moving across the screen in one slow-motion shot. Well, that’s nothing compared to a few hundred?… at least, it felt like a few hundred tiny little faces moving across the screen…sort of like the big jungle battle in Infinity War…sort of like the old TV days when you could watch the black and white ants fight each other for dominance…….

Sorry. I drifted into space for a moment. ‘Lost track of time, again. I con-tesseract.

If you are one of these “modern” people looking for all the “girl power” and LGBT support you can get, enjoy your in-flight meal. Though, it feels a bit forced. And, for all the growling the women did…I kinda felt they could have been more bad-ass than they were. [I’m really tempted to throw in a few spoilers, here….mainly, because the movie isn’t worth secrecy.]

If you like superheroes being silly…as they have been in other recent Marvel movies…you get plenty of that, too. Yet, some of the “jokes” felt like only some people would find them funny while others just laugh because they thought they were…well, jokes. For instance, I was not one who laughed when Hulk punched his fellow heroes in the first Avengers film. And, why the Hulk would walk a thousand stairs just to be that Hulk that hit you at the front door? I can’t say I laugh at the sight of Chris Evan’s butt…but maybe you do. Although, the Thor makeover was mildly amusing…as was Robert D-J’s little quip about it…until he gets a tad too emotional. [I’d rather watch Mark Hamill get upset about who his father is. When I’d rather watch a Star Wars movie than a Marvel Comics movie, there is something wrong.]

If you like the thought of a two-plus hour game of Three-Card Monty, enjoy the time-travel hijinx. The movie makes repeated references to Back to the Future. [And, to be honest, I’d rather go back and watch THAT movie than this one. As silly as it may have been, Back to the Future roped me in and gave me a good time. Endgame feels more like I was roped and then dragged behind a bus before some outlaw decided to end my life, anyway, with a bullet to the brain, prolonged torture just to reach the anticipated result.]

And, if you reaaaaally wanted to see a different side of or more of Nebula, played by the lovely, wonderful Karen Gillan who had to shave her lovely hair off for this freakin’ part!…you get that, too. I was actually touched by her performance, this time. I almost cried for her…which is kind of sad, considering, the last time I saw her, she was being pulled apart at the circuits. She also gets to pull a nice little……

[My words just turned to dust. Did you see that? Movie magic.]

She disappears for a……

Would you cut that out! Wait. To whom am I speaking?… Hmm.

She sort of gets to be the surprise bomb in the movie. And, truthfully, there should have been more to what was happening because the film kept feeding little bits of power/potential to Thanos…it just never materialized. I consistently felt like I was being handed “red herrings” with a dash of dramatic music; something really bad could have happened…and it didn’t. [Oh-ho-ho! What’s he going to do with that now that he has it? He’s going to get there before they do!] So…why did they put that in there? Just to mess with our heads? In-con-theev-able! Three-Card Monty!

With all of the power the heroes are packing, it astounds me that they could not resolve this “crisis” sooner. Yet, the way Tony Stark pulls it all together, per his usual Marvel-Disney-movie “skill,” seems over-simplified, too. Again, one minute you have it all mapped out…and then you don’t. [But, if we remember Dr. Strange and what happened in the previous film, we ought to grasp how things just have to fall into place, even if they don’t make sense while they are happening in the present moment. If you don’t get it, you just have to see things from a larger perspective, take it from a planetary scale to a universal scale.]

There was a tiny message about even heroes being “human” thrown in one scene, and I get it…or why they said that. Having a hero fail and then have to make up for that failure, that’s decent writing. That puts meat on the bone that otherwise is just…well, Captain Marvel shaking off her shackles and blasting everything out of her way (not to mention claiming she has the duty of overseeing the whole universe!). [As if Thor wasn’t “big” enough as a god of thunder…now we have a woman who absorbed some big supply of cosmic power and delivers justice like a gunslinging goddess while another character collects enough power to act like a god, gives us the impression he might be onto something beyond our comprehension…and then gets swallowed up in “human” greed and lust for having things his way.]

And, on that note, Captain Marvel’s presence in this “final” Avengers film is one component that made me come to my previous conclusion about films being made from hotel rooms and without actors in one space. I just happened to see the lovely Brie Larson in a five-second interview on one of those late-night talk shows. And, she described her first task in a Marvel movie. She wasn’t looking at people. She was looking at tape markers. Tape markers. ‘Bad enough people have to follow tennis balls on sticks to make a scene, now we have bits of tape to pretend are people, people we interact with emotionally…right.

Goodbye, humanity. It’s all going NFL Game Day 3000.

In the few moments she appears in Endgame, Captain Marvel often–if not always–looks a bit cartoon-ish…like she’s not really there…like they just captured Brie making faces and slapped them on video game models. I noticed there were credits for people READING as characters. So, pardon my lack of technical movie-making knowledge, but I am guessing that means people–and not necessarily the actors being portrayed–read lines for parts when the characters were in action and speaking…just not physically doing so. There were people cast to “stand in” for the characters when they weren’t…you know, actually standing in the same room and able to touch each other. [Eew! Superhero cooties!]

Biggest disappointment? That may have been the Hulk, even though I briefly enjoyed Mark appearing like a friendly Shrek, handing out tacos instead of telling everyone to get out of his swamp. He left that task to Thanos, and Thanos dropped the ball. Even when Hulk had a chance to smash, he made light of it. What was the word he used to describe smashing? Anyway. There really wasn’t a moment in the film where I felt like all that Hulk could be did anything. Instead, sort of like is time in Infinity War, he was like Beast from the X-Men…the more intellectual guy who quietly monitors HQ instead of being at the heart of the action, though he’s built like a tank and bigger than most of the cast. And, even at the controls, he was only “human.” [Maybe it wasn’t so smart putting a guy at the controls who screwed up a gamma bomb and turned himself into a “smart monster.”] Which isn’t always a bad thing…but…he’s the Hulk! I mean…come on. You’re hyping this movie about a group of heroes that includes the Hulk…and he’s just going to eat tacos and “chillax” with the “smartphone” crowd? Gee. Thanks, Marvisney…or, Disnevel.

But, it’s okay. Because the other black guy…not the one who got all the press the previous year…the one with the artificial wings…he’s got this. And, the ladies have this. Or…maybe not, considering I just didn’t see any grand result from their part…just a splash-y image for some magazine dying to feature the Marvel women all on one cover for their next issue.

Did I just leak some spoilers? My bad. I’m only human. But, in the grand scheme of things, it won’t matter. Trust me. And, I am not going to tell you who “dies” in the end. [It pissed me off a little. Yet, we all gotta die, sometime; right? And, the Star Wars people; they took out Han…so…low.] But, on that note, everything seems to just be a contract-ual matter. So, can we even watch this and be engrossed in the story?…or do we say, “Oh, right. His contract was up. So, he just had to go. He was on his way to lunch and another gig when he did this scene.” Is that the future of movies? We change the story to fit the salary restrictions or accommodate the actors (and actresses, to be fair) some other way? Is everything going to be about the money it costs/makes and job-interview “shtick” instead of telling a genuine story as it was written?

If you can’t respect the characters and/or the original story, spend a little more time at the drawing board. Not the “smart board” you change by just flicking it with your fingers when you feel “in charge.” Why do I even want to hear about ticket sales or when the DVD deluxe, exclusive content, supreme, diamond, platinum edition comes out in stores? What does any of that matter? [Funding, I’d wager. Find any way you can to put the word “money” into people’s minds, like a subliminal message, so they’ll toss some out a window and hopefully into your film studio which is all falling under one mousy umbrella, one galactic-sized ha-ha empire. You have all the resources in the world and still pump out a story that falls short yet gets all the latest technological show bits.]

I’m perfectly fine just having a copy of the first Robert D-J Iron Man (even if that climax with Pepper fleeing the building and Tony’s “expose” at the end grinded my gears). I’ll do like Tony does in the second Iron Man film, brush away the excess distractions, pick out the best strawberry and find some nugget of hope and inspiration in the project while other actors take over other parts and make “jokes.” [We’re back in production mode, people.] I can live without the rest…which is kind of a mess, when you look over all of it. It’s a bit like some kids starting an elaborate finger-painting project. Well, now who’s going to clean up all the paint? ‘Someone not in view of the camera, clearly.

Maybe, in the enormous amount of time that is five years or so, things will be much better…or worse. Who knows.

I give Avengers: The Next Generation…er, cut…Avengers: Revolution…no, that’s not right…Avengers: Endgame 2 stars out of 5. It has enough content to give you a reason to review the previous films (if you feel like torturing yourself). It packs a few punches and has a few chuckles. It definitely stirs a few tears if you let it. But, in no way does it deserve a passing grade. Infinity War, sadly, was better. It’s just too much of a headache following all of the time hops and listening to the cast quarrel about what’s going to work, what didn’t and what they will do next.

You know? It’s all very complicated…coming up with the theory relativity and that other one about strings faster than Einstein while failing to work the machines properly because you built them… You just wouldn’t understand. I don’t understand it. And, the people who made the movie are not going to take more time trying to explain the science. Even Stan Lee knew very little about actual science.

[Just a heads-up…you don’t have to sit through the credits…unless you want to look at autographs and hear the anvil chorus. There are no surprises–as far as I know–to be seen. Except…where was Elvis ever featured in the movie? The story arc has ended. The cast will now slowly recede into a private world of therapy and texting and wondering if they will keep that tattoo they got to feel like part of a team for eleven years or so, sort of like the cast from the Lord of the Rings movies.]

I don’t like group comic books for a reason. This was one. They tried touching on personal stories but only included a few of the characters in that effort…where was the heart of Black Widow…and Bruce Banner? Why does Thor get such a spotlight?…oh, because the actor playing him works for peanuts–or beer if we believe that–and has all the time in the world, and the other actors don’t. Even Hawkeye is such a joke, he’s a hair-line away from being lumped in with Jar-Jar Binks. Yep. Oh, I’m just kidding…come on, man up. Work those tear ducts. Work ’em. You can cry for your friend.

[By the way, after seeing Hawkeye in a different light, I am seriously wondering, again, why we cannot make a Ninja Gaiden movie even loosely based on the original three NES video games (versus the arcade version which, from what I can recall, didn’t have much of a story). I was feeling the Ryu Hayabusa in this movie! You take the rainy, neon street Hawkeye was on and throw in some of that Black Panther car-chase magic…a bad-ass sorcery-wielding samurai ala the Sith Emperor from the Star Wars films and maybe a CG mystical dragon spirit…and you’ve got one decent, quasi-live-action trailer for an action-packed thrill ride with a Far-East mythical flavor that does not need to be dumbed down just so “the Rock” can shout “Woo!” You might actually have to, you know, talk to someone who knows the video games to work out the whole script…and cast people who authentically fit the parts instead of having some misplaced accent-holder morph him or herself into one more role to up his or her chances at an award that year…but I’m sure you know that, you Sprite slugs.]

Humans just seem incapable of putting a bunch of multi-dimensional, emotionally-involved, active characters together in one scene–not to mention one two-plus hour, big-budget epic–without it looking like a cluttered poster; here are all the He-Man action figures and accessories you could get your parents to buy in a fancy painting. The original artists put these characters together because they wanted to sell more comic books by giving a bit of everyone’s favorite(s) a spot in one book. Some people buy that. I’m not exactly one of them. I’ll watch Charleton Heston ham it up in The Ten Commandments every year at Easter. When will I ever care to sit down and give another hour to Endgame? Not likely ever. That’s like revisiting a funeral just to think about what you failed to say….or who wasn’t there with you.

I like Marvel Team-Ups, better. Iron Man and the latest young Spider-Man…that was decent. It’s a shame if that can’t continue. It’s a shame Stan won’t exactly get to be a part of it, other than in memory and from a hopefully comfortable seat in the spirit-verse.

Make peace and love, not war! And, be…excelsior…to each other. [You could have worked that line in, people! Bill and Ted/Stan Lee reference! Come on, Jon Favreau! Or, Snyder. Or, whatever “replacement” is manning the controls. Another movie reference I just made…huh? Huh? Wait. Who IS manning the controls? Oh, crapping wild stallions. Who left Banner in the control room?]

*Snap!*

18
Mar
19

Captain Marvel, 2019 Movie Review

****

Brie Larson is a dazzling and very youthful ball of fire in the latest installment in the Avengers franchise, Captain Marvel, a story that takes place some time before the previously launched films (since 2008), winking at a variety of nostalgia, including Blockbuster video rental stores, pagers and the infancy of the 1990s’ dial-up internet, as well as nods to movies like Rambo (1982-) and Top Gun (1986). [And, if I am not mistaken, Octopussy, a 1983? film.] Men in Black (1997-) wasn’t explicitly featured, but the whole Agents-of-SHIELD-discovering-aliens-on-Earth concept pretty much touched all of the same bases.

If I just weighed you down with more words about movie history than the stars and highlights of the film, that’s just what my brain was doing. I kept finding myself drifting off–similar to Carol Danvers (Larson) grasping at distorted fragments of memories–thinking about where I might have seen something before, thinking about a particular song and video game of *that time,* wondering why certain enemies were so obvious while others were…not enemies? This is a rather nostalgic movie, like a two-plus hour trip around a flea market with timely songs blaring from tabletop radios on a hot summer day.

Holy Mother Brain, true believers! Can we say live-action Samus Aran? The only thing missing from this Metroid-wannabe was Captain Mar-Vel turning into a ball and bouncing off walls. There is an original GameBoy portable game system in plain sight. And, there is a scene early in the film when “Veers” (a very clever break from Danvers, by the way) is fighting off some Skrulls with some sort of tube-like restraints over her forearms…and they glow just like the varia suit’s blaster-arm-thingy. Not to mention, Brie is practically the perfect young blonde to play Samus…AND the whole story of how she is molded into the Captain Marvel character screams Samus Aran’s origin story. [You might say Brie Larson has “the right stuff” to star in a Metroid movie.]

And, have you ever compared the black-and-yellow Ms. Marvel/Warbird costume with some Samus imagery from Super Metroid? The lightning bolt on the former has a strong resemblance to the S associated with and flashed at the end of the game. [If someone can make a decent-looking Pokemon film that isn’t purely anime, we can make an epic Metroid movie! I’m also itching to work on a Ninja Gaiden movie. Seriously, Nintendo. Get on this. And, sign me up if you want this gaming artist and super fan’s input.]

Kudos to another Stan Lee cameo, but this one was rather sad. I am fairly certain that was just a CG ghost, some…person with dots attached to their face before Stan’s likeness was molded over it (sort of like a Skrull impersonating someone…hmm), with a broken record of a voice clipping. I *did,* however like the opening Stan Lee tribute, the barrage of cameo shots, instead of the usual Marvel-Disney movie opener. As I was watching Stan appear in military uniform, I said to myself, “Now, that’s the real Captain Marvel.”

As a kid, back when a Micronaut named Marionette had plucked the strings of my young heart, I remember looking at the back of some comic book that featured a male Captain Marvel standing shoulder-to-shoulder with a blonde heroine in the same costume; and I wondered who she was. When I found out…and I am pretty sure she was called Ms. Marvel at the time…I was instantly infatuated. [And, wasn’t there a black woman called Captain Marvel who wore a white costume with a golden star on the front?] Years later, I learned she had somehow crossed paths with the X-Men and become a fiery being called Binary, after Rogue had supposedly taken her powers and Carol went through some kind of coma/trauma. When Ms. Marvel adopted the black costume, I was still drawn to her. [Ha.] But, the name Warbird rubbed me the wrong way. I never associated Carol Danvers with any airforce/military unit (didn’t know that history); I just saw her as a beautiful blonde woman who magically donned a superheroine costume that surpassed the whole Krypton family and the DC favorite of so many fans, Wonder Woman (who may have a great figure and glorious dark hair but lacks in costume design, other than working the American imagery into some sort of feminine apparel). [‘Love the mask, long gloves and boots.] So, when Coca-Cola created the Supermom commercials a few years back, you can imagine what came to mind…or who came to mind and what went through my infatuated mind.

Okay, now back to the real, core movie of this review.

The story is nothing new, in terms of superhero origins and alien-invasion tales; aliens walk among us humans, hidden from plain sight. There’s a secret policing group constantly shifting to address, control and/or attack the invaders. And, by some stroke of cosmic luck, one chosen human is blasted into super-stardom, taking out anyone she feels like blasting while we listen to a karaoke bar favorite (before she blasts the jukebox).

Let’s talk about the “bad,” first.

You see a pattern there? A lot of blasting? I totally get the makers of this film were putting all of their marbles into portraying a petite-yet-fierce young woman who can take on the universe. But, there was a fair amount of shoot-first-and-ask-questions-later, not the most intelligent “guardian of the galaxy.” But, maybe we can excuse this, due to her messed-up brain not knowing who to call the enemy.

And, yet, when there is another opportunity to show-off, the heroine chooses to display her ability to heat water. That wrinkled my brow a bit. Why couldn’t she have spared the jukebox and just heated a cup of water to prove her power/point? [Which, by the way, is a lame reason to claim she isn’t an enemy, when the naive Nicholas Fury has no clue what anyone not from Earth could do, anyway.] Why I am concerned about a jukebox? I don’t know. But, so many movies do stupid things to earn “blockbuster” status; it’s as if they fear people won’t laugh or cheer unless you destroy X-number of vehicles and commit Y-amount of property damage, even if you have to drag the women you’re now trying to elevate into the messes. [While some found it amusing to see the Hulk randomly hit his fellow heroes in the first Avengers movie, I thought that was stupid humor.]

Another brow-wrinkler was this Marvel-movie trend’s latest attempt to modernize everything, taking the heroine out of Earth’s picture for a mere six years while giving the SHIELD agents a sort of 1970s appearance/feel to them, as if they were working the Roswell alien case. It’s hard to gauge how emotional people should be after what–to me–feels like a short departure. I don’t know much about Captain/Ms. Marvel (aka Warbird aka Binary), but I would have figured she would be missing, at least, a decade to have any sort of separation tension/confusion upon returning. Friends not seeing each other for six years is like going to different colleges and then meeting up in New York to catch up. It’s not quite the same as Captain America being separated from his beloved Agent Carter by a wartime deep freeze. [I’m just glad they didn’t try to place Captain America’s latest origin story in the Gulf War.] I also wasn’t sure how to feel about “Veers” shifting between being very alien to “planet C-53” one minute and then talking “chummy” with SHIELD agents and a former airforce buddy the next. [Couldn’t she have asked to use a “payphone” or “walkie talkie” or to speak with some former CO if she was only gone a few years? Yet, she can hotwire a video game system to call her team in deep space, like E.T. (1982) phoning home.]

And–spoiler alert–why does “Nicholas Fury” not have a clue sooner about his boss? How can he work with this guy for so long and then suddenly be thrown when the boss calls him a different name in the elevator? [Or, did I miss a body swap somewhere? And, if so, where/when does the real boss disappear?]

Also, Danvers (Larson) brings a hint of a childlike “Disney magic” (which is probably why they cast and molded her into this role, like a Kree) to her part, practically dancing and humming to herself as she flits from scene to scene. She even has a kid help her pick a “new” costume the touch of a button (maaagic). [Her youth is one reason I was skeptical of seeing this movie; I’ve come to know a more seasoned, weathered, alcoholic Carol Danvers from my limited exposure to her in comic books. But, I totally get attracting a younger audience and the potential for starting the story when Carol is still “fresh out of the package.”] If she’s not kicking butt, she’s waltzing around threats. The way she learns to fly seems a tad lame and senseless, when she could have figured it out sooner and/or under different conditions; it’s as if the movie makers just drew the moment out to make people gasp. In short, everything comes a tad easy to one given such cosmic power (not unlike just about any member of the Skywalker family taking out large portions of an enemy army/race). What she chooses to do with the “responsibility” of that power is a bit of a gray area.

[And, as I write this, I am having another one of my strong bouts with deja vu…]

Probably the biggest stink of the film is a combination of its predictability and gray areas. [I had a similar issue with Ant Man and the Wasp, not knowing how to classify the “villain” and, thus, not knowing how to feel about the heroics.] If this was just a reproduction of the genuine origin story, I am okay with that; I’d rather see a comic book come to life than have someone warp the story entirely and have fans wondering what happened to their beloved heroine. But, other than some questionable actions taken, the “gray” villains and one small…er, big…creature feature, I kinda saw what was coming, even without knowing all of the origin story’s details.

I wasn’t as dazzled by the fight scenes and big explosions as I was by Brie’s lovely, glowing face. [And, she doesn’t need cosmic power or CG fire in her already fiery eyes to glow, either. Me-Yow.] There was no one who could truly stand up to Captain Marvel; “they” tried to restrain her, but that fell flat/short before there was nothing but fluffy fireworks. [There’s no Red Skull to counter the Captain. Or, if there is, he’s no Red Skull. Heh.]

While, yes, there was a slight surprise regarding who to call the enemy (when I think about who has been an enemy in a number of Marvel Comics projects), one particular actor–whose name I won’t mention though he is PERPETUALLY cast as the sneaky villain–could not hide his true intentions/nature from the start. And, that is a casting shame. I don’t like seeing actors pigeon-holed (type-cast) this way. But, honestly, casting agency, try a little harder when picking someone who masks his allegiance. The guy might be willing to take every gig he can get; but come on!

This isn’t necessarily a bad thing–if Carol’s history only needed to be a photograph–but…was there any airforce content other than images of pilots in various outfits and that repeating boot camp scene? I am asking this solely because I saw some promotional snippet that featured Brie riding in a fighter jet, as if she was doing some serious character research. But, now I am thinking that was just Marilyn Monroe visiting the boys at the air base. There was more airforce content in the 2008 Iron Man film. I don’t recall even an ounce of pilot terminology; I might have blacked out when they were playing the recording from the “black box.” So…was this some subtle promotion for women to enlist in the armed forces? Yvan eht nioj? [I tend to look at these things the way Carol looks at Maria’s neighbor in the movie.]

And, the good?

I think the best part of this movie is a combination of artistry and Brie’s fiery expressions (her “heart”). [Though, I felt she could have benefitted from a few more ounces of emotional “oomph.” Sure, people messed with her head and put restraints on her; but she wasn’t a slave. I never saw her take any serious punishment. All of her “struggle” was kind of a brief blur.]

This is a well-composed film, in terms of costume/wardrobe, music, special effects and background (back story). The Captain Marvel costume–aside from the odd mohawk factor they tried to salvage from the comic’s history…and the do-everything-including-short-circuiting wrist computer–was stylish and not so far-fetched that you had to wonder how it came to be. And, “grunge”/”Top Gun” fighter pilot Carol Danvers isn’t hard on the eyes, either. [She’s like Elisabeth Shue in Adventures in Babysitting (1987).] There was a decent story for most aspects of the main character, including her name…er, namesss. [The dog-tag bits were especially slick.] The overall feel of the movie’s nostalgia and composition is good, similar to how I felt about Black Panther’s soundtrack keeping me grooving throughout the movie…and how the second Guardians of the Galaxy made me want to dig out an old audio cassette player and dance to disco music.

[One costume detail I somewhat missed was the Ms. Marvel scarf/sash (though I realize there is a new Middle Eastern and teenage Miss Marvel now who has a very clever ethnic scarf as part of her costume). And, seeing the little girl give a pilot jacket back to Carol, I was thinking…why couldn’t the girl give Carol a scarf she made for good luck and have that be the origin of the scarf/sash. Or, the scarf could have belonged to Annette Bening’s character.]

There’s a good amount of sci-fi action. But, this is not a Jack Kirby epic, a man known for putting the “wallop” in cosmic superhero comics like Thor and Silver Surfer. Certain camera angles/shots could have been more dynamic. A few more shots of nebulas, stars and planets might have brought the artistry up a notch and impressed me the way the rainbow bridges did in the first Thor film.

So, while, looking back, I feel the deck is stacked against this film…and I am slightly toting a grudge against Disney for having anything to do with Marvel Comics…I cannot say Captain Marvel is a bad addition to the current string of S.L.J. (Samuel L. Jackson as Fury) movies. I would watch it, again, but, probably, just because I am so partial to Brie Larson. [It’s a crutch.]

A major–minor spoiler alert–question: Why is Earth where the Kree think they can create a machine to stop a war? [Was the time-and-space cube-thingy, the “tesseract,” already on Earth when the Kree first landed; did they come expecting to find/use it? And, refresh my memory, how many “infinity stones” have been found on Earth…and why all on one planet we know? And, what is the origin of the tesseract (which contains a secret from another movie in this series); how did it become a cube?]

Captain Marvel doesn’t wow or amuse me as much as Robert Downey, Jr.’s portrayal of Tony Stark/Iron Man, but is it any worse than seeing “Pepper” escape an exploding reactor as Iron Man faces his nemesis? No. [Or, wait, is the current audience too young to remember 2008? Ya never know, these days.]

On that note, DO NOT show little ones this film. This may be made by Disney (and what’s left of Marvel Studios)…and it may be light on responsibility… but…well…you know what some say about watching Bambi. I had some tots in the audience with me, and they could not contain their emotions during a few brief intense moments, as if they knew the violence was/felt wrong. You need to be, at least, a teenager to go on this ride. And, even a teenager is likely to feel lost unless an adult who has lived the 1990s can fill them in on some details. It’s crazy to me when I try to think of explaining the 1990s the way I’d want my grandparents to explain the WWI and/or WWII days.

I give Captain Marvel (2019) 3 out of 5 stars and will let it slide as a rental because there isn’t anything that requires the big screen (unless there are small details that might have otherwise been…that I might have…missed). [I don’t care what Jimmy Fallon says about every film released in 3D; it’s clearly not worth it in this one.] It doesn’t grab me like Spider-Man swinging across New York City to save M.J. (back when MJ was a vibrant redhead who purred when she called Peter Parker “Tiger”); but it’s enough to keep me buzzing and smiling…most of the time. Two of those three stars go to Brie Larson’s eyes…or, rather, they were always there. The third is on her costume.

If you feel like taking a leisurely (versus engrossing) road trip through the 1980s and 1990s…or if you’re only happy when it rains…give Captain Marvel a try. And, if Brie can’t put a smile on your face, blame the film makers.

12
Jul
18

Ant Man and the Wasp, Movie Review

***

Paul Rudd reprises his role as Scott Lang (aka the new Ant Man), the mild-mannered, I’m-okay-with-trying-anything thief-turned-hero, bringing along the lovely Evangeline Lilly, aka Hope van Dyne, daughter of Hank Pym and Janet van Dyne (the “original” Ant-Man and Wasp), as someone better and more fierce than the average sidekick in…wait for it…Ant-Man and the Wasp.  [So original.]  Taking place after his incarceration in Captain America:  Civil War, the sequel to the origin story introduces Laurence Fishburne as Dr. Bill Foster, a “former” colleague of Hank Pym’s who has some “super” history of his own and a…wait for it…”foster child” nicknamed Ghost, another victim of malfunctioning technology beyond human comprehension who suffers pain from phasing between dimensions.  The focus of the story is divided between saving Hank’s wife (Janet) from a very exclusive universe (like the tiniest nightclub overrun with blobs and parasites) and dealing with a “ghost” haplessly tied to the odd family’s tree, who could spoil everything if she doesn’t control her temper.

Anyone who has seen a trailer or commercial already has a clue to this Ghost being some kind of enemy to the heroes.  But, I’m here to tell you this film’s villain element is a tad weak by comparison to other Marvel hero films.  In fact, that is the one and only aspect that disappoints me.  I think Ghost–which reminds me of another comic book character by that name with a darker story–is more of a sub-plot than a villain.  And, where there was suggestion of another villain, that character or army never came.

[The first Ant Man film had a far better enemy (though he reminded me SO much of the Iron Monger in the first Robert Downey, Jr. Iron Man film).  There were touches of Hydra and other villainy probing the plot.  Yet, a lack of details made the whole a big foggy.  At least, the transitions from the first Ant Man to Civil War to this sequel sort of come into clarity, and the cast didn’t radically change.]

However, the film is saved by its staples.  Rudd is, once more, the sappy sweetheart and goofball, this time under government watch for a set number of years, counting down to his final day.  His character builds one awesome playhouse for his daughter.  Evangeline Lilly kicks more butt than necessary, racking up some serious “girl power” votes, LIKES or whatever you want to use to promote “women empowerment,” including turning an otherwise male character into a girl.  [SO much gender swapping, these days.]  I think she kicks more butt in this film than she did in the Hobbit story.  Michael Pena (Luis) is a riot with his unique story-telling skills.  [I think it would be a wild bonus feature ride to have an entire 30+ minute short film (if not a 1+ hr feature film) of him telling a reaaaaally long story that encompasses the rest of the cast explaining something either entirely unimportant or vital to the Marvel universe.]

Newcomer to the cast, Michelle Pfeiffer makes an enchanting Janet van Dyne, though she’s nothing like the Wasp I expected to see.  [Granted, she has aged quite a bit and become “something more.”]  Walter Goggins makes a very interesting and sinister impression as a shady businessman with contacts left unknown.  [I smell a Hydra.]

There is plenty of material here for a few films.  It just doesn’t get adequately put to use.  It’s like looking in a warehouse full of goodies you can see being turned into something bigger/better but letting the bright ideas drift to the back of your brain.  Instead, you just go along for the ride, get pumped to fight, endure a little pent up pain and frustration and laugh at a number of sight gags.

Hidden somewhere in the warehouse is some explanation for why Hank Pym and Janet van Dyne were not adequately featured in the company of Captain America.  At least, I think their heroics are from his original wartime.  If they are technically the original Avengers, where is that story?  The new Marvel universe has sort of thrown characters out of sync.  Why are Iron Man and Hulk decidedly modern compared to Ant-Man?  Isn’t it just as strange having a suit from the nineteen-teens or nineteen-forties sit around til some new guy, who happens to be a reforming thief, is given permission to take it?

Maybe if we give the aging Hank Pym a memory pill he will fill us in on all of the missing pieces.

I give Ant Man and the Wasp 3.5 stars out of 5.  It has 4+ stars of comedy, even if some is a tad corny and/or senseless.  It has 4+ stars of butt-kicking action and dangerous situations.  But, the glossy blur of technological mumbo jumbo and lackluster crisis/villain element waters down an otherwise epic adventure.  Like any movie with sight gags and related special effects, it’s probably more thrilling on the big screen.  But, you can plunk on the couch and let the time tick off your house arrest anklet while rolling with laughter.

And, don’t forget Stan Lee, true believers.  He makes a rather Excelsior! cameo, this time, claiming he is paying for something after enjoying the ’60s.  I think he’s referring to selling out to Disney.  But, that’s just between you and me.

 

20
Apr
18

The Honey in My Closet

*****

CuteyHoney-TF3-closeup-gawaruwayo_90s-cuteyhoney-ep-1-148

Gawaru wa yo!  [I’m going to change.  Or, so it is translated into English subtitles.]

Ever since 1997, I’ve been a bit consumed by the concept of Cutey Honey. [And, if I’ve said it before here, you’ll just have to put up with me. I go through these periods of indulging an episode or two. I’m about to go through my history with the character(s) and my interest in creating a new series, at length, so get comfortable and prepare to read if you are curious to know.]

There is just something about this gorgeous, loving android and her magical ability to change her appearance while battling a variety of monsters, some just as lovely as her, that enchants me (while some of the monsters she faces and some of the language in the series rattle me). If you are familiar with the recent Teen Titans cartoons, Cutey Honey is like Starfire with more brains and a wardrobe that seems limitless. The artists are generally good with retaining the loving energy and heart-shaped imagery that are associated with the character, similar to how Spider-Man/Peter Parker can say something in an aside and have a form of the hero’s webbing or mask appear behind him. And, no, if you think it’s about the “boobs,” you’re wrong. It takes more than that for such a character to last as long as she has, even if you’ve never taken notice of her. If given the chance, I have a few ideas for giving her a decent, solid story that would satisfy more fans and get her out of the perverse closet.

 

Originally a Go Nagai manga (black and white comic book series) and then 1970s anime, Cutey Honey (or Cutie Honey, depending upon the series) is a female android, created by a scientist named Dr. Kisaragi who lost a daughter (Honey) and who made the automaton in her image, programmed to blend in with the human population and protect them from the evils corrupting their world, including armies led by characters known as Panther Zora, Dolmeck and Sister Jill.  The android has the special ability of changing her appearance rather frequently, replacing damaged clothes, skin and hair with materials drawn from the air by the “airborne element fixing device” which the enemy pursues incessantly when she interferes.  Honey acquires strength from those she befriends/loves which ultimately helps her overcome adversity and repel the darkness.

The concept has had a number of incarnations over the years though it has never earned the American fame of similar characters like Inspector Gadget and Mega Man; instead, she remains like a closet craze, enduring solely by the interest of her fans who put up with the cheeky, flirtatious incidents that continue to unfold in the life of this breathtaking beautiful warrior. I think, if the conceptions were not so littered with “fan service” and had a strong, consistent and understood plot line/origin story, Cutey Honey WOULD be as popular as Wonder Woman. And, if you want a “cleaner” heroine story with a similar flair, you can check out The Adventures of Lady Bug (currently part of ClickTV) and any number of anime that feature similar “magical girl” heroines without the flashes of nudity and exaggerating breasts.

———————-

Breaking down my problems with (various incarnations of) the concept:

1) JAPANESE GIRLS ARE NOT BLONDE (NOR REDHEADS). First of all, this is a Japanese character with BLONDE hair when she doesn’t adopt another color, including RED for her warrior form.  [Though I’ve seen images of the older series in which she has dark hair?  See the image on the right in the above cluster.]   Last I checked, there are no blonde Japanese girls. And, while I get this is an anime staple and typically associated with “ascended” and/or “pure” characters (like the empowered individuals of Dragon Ball Z fame), why can’t Honey Kisaragi be a native Japanese girl with BLACK or, at least, dark brown hair? Or, why can’t Honey be from a different country and retain that lovely blonde hair she flashes? Even if Honey adopted other hair colors and styles to simply complement the outfits she donned (like some Lady Gaga or Katy Perry), her civilian form would not have such a strikingly bright head of blonde hair unless she had lost her hair and wore a wig all of the time; and a dye-job just doesn’t say “purity” as well as a naturally colored head of hair.

2) WORLD DOMINATION DOESN’T STAY WITHIN A SINGLE CITY. The stories take place in some vague city which is consistently the focus of some evil force bent on taking over the world. [Okay, so far, this is nothing new and, thus, boring. Even in The Adventures of Ladybug, everything seems to unfold strictly in Paris, France. Why can’t these world-conquering villains make appearances in various parts of the world and have the protagonist travel there “on a mission” or something similar? Or, why can’t there be some greater reason for attacking only one city?]

3) THE ON-GOING DEBATE OVER “FAN SERVICE.” I just want it to stop. For whatever reason, the concept was given a certain measure of “sex appeal” by consistently using Honey’s assets as a distraction and, occasionally, a comedic touch to her trials with defeating the forces of darkness. From what I’ve seen, there are the occasional instances that push the envelope a bit (at least, for my personal tastes) and probably, rightfully, bother some people enough to say something about them.

If it was up to me, I’d take out some of the more lewd and “S and M” bits and limit the “fan service” to embarrassing and/or compromising moments in which Honey’s assets are exposed and/or involved in some sort of accident. Keep these instances more subtle and suggestive (less “in-your-face”). For example, if she loses her top, she covers herself while flushing witnesses tumble like dominoes around her; no need to be explicit with the nudity, have men bleeding from their noses or include any form of (whipping, tentacle, rape, etc.) torture. [‘No need to remove her assets because they ARE part of her charm; just like people associate Wonder Woman with being shapely versus some pencil-thin warrior maiden with one or no breasts.]

And, it’s because of this “fan service” debate that the story gets pushed into the closet…yet it endures and keeps being re-invented like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles which have had…how many series now? Yeah. How many times can we tell the origin story of that group? Apparently, plenty. And, each new incarnation isn’t really all that disappointing…just, occasionally, a bit different. We know the history behind the characters even though April changes from a TV reporter to some girl who was an alien experiment and develops telekinetic/psychic powers. Which brings me to my next point.

4) LACKING CONSISTENCY AND CLARITY OF CONCEPT. Maybe it’s just my own difficulty with following the story; maybe it’s a matter of cultural differences? But, I have a hard time understanding why certain characters change from series to series though a continuity of some sort is suggested, as if all incarnations form a single story.

Well, as with the Legend of Zelda video games, that’s not what I see. While tweaking the origin story may refresh interest, it would really help if more was explained sooner than later. [This is also why I am not too fond of re-inventing the Marvel Comics universe as recent cartoons have done, turning characters you might know and love for fitting together one way suddenly becoming very different people with different relations to the protagonist. Yet, I guess, this opens the doors for more people finding a version they like.]

If there is no intended continuity, then I will just have to accept this and sort out who everyone is and how they fit together in each version. [I’ve survived every version of TMNT to air on local TV. I have seen the movies and recent reboot but truly only liked the original Inspector Gadget series. I like both the original and the new Duck Tales. I have tolerated various (not all) versions of Mega Man and even grew to like the “Network” concept/series a bit. I flinched yet gave Iron Man a chance when he became the creation of a younger inventor who shared the technology with his teenage? friends (in an incarnation not related to or part of the more accepted “Marvel universe”). I turned a blind eye when someone decided to give Link earrings in one or more of the Legend of Zelda games. I can decide which Cutey Honey I do and do not like so much.]

This is more of a personal complaint, but I had a small fit when Mikey had his nunchakas replaced with a grappling hook-ish weapon in the TMNT series/franchise (because the latter was less likely to result in harming anyone?). I have had similar reservations when I see Honey’s weapons take on new and/or different abilities. At some point, I begin to feel like I’m watching one of those kid fights in which “no backsies” or “infinity” solves everything. Part of what makes Honey enduring is working with her limitations. When you start making her weapons limitless, you start looking like those other characters that keep upgrading themselves. I understand the reasoning or what might lead to such changes. But, it does get tiresome/repetitive. [Does anyone complain that Wonder Woman consistently relies on her strength, lasso, bracelets and tiara? Do those items ever really change?]

And, the outfit Honey Kisaragi wears consistently as her civilian attire, personally, looked great in the 1990s version, with the pink and white combo. The original yellow-orange dress was rather flat. And, the blue and white dress with that weird curving design somehow painted around it…that just doesn’t sit right with me (though the shade of blue and white work nicely together). [Maybe compromise and replace the pink portions of the 90s outfit with that blue color…or the orange of that original dress? Or, here’s a novel idea, DON’T LIMIT THE MAIN CHARACTER TO ONE EVERYDAY OUTFIT. Hmm? Maybe she has an actual closet of choices.]

———————————–

MY PERSONAL HISTORY WITH CUTEY HONEY

My first taste was the short-lived 1990s OVA mini-series. I had watched a trailer for the concept at the start of another anime video I had purchased. And, within thirty seconds or so, I was hooked. I was red-faced. I was overwhelmed. Never had I seen such quality artistry given such flair, appealing to my personal interests in superwomen with alter egos and fashion design. Yet, all the trailer really showed were a few costumes and that magical melting of materials that sold the package. I had no idea who exactly she was or what she was fighting other than a few creepy characters that made brief appearances. I wasn’t even sure she was just one woman. I began purchasing and cautiously watching the mini-series on VHS.

 

 

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Because of this initial exposure to the character, I’ve compared all other incarnations to it and found each a bit lacking in quality.

I’ve seen images from the original 1970s cartoon and even purchased a DVD collection, recently, but have yet to watch any episodes. I can see how I might have taken to it in its original form back then, but, looking at the old cartoons now, the original seems a bit dated and awkwardly cartoonish, like my childhood days of watching shows like Fangface and Teen Rod. The artistry is primitive in comparison (to the 90s OVAs) though the 60s/70s fashion sense isn’t all bad and, as cartoon concepts go, it was groundbreaking for the time. While there may have been other robot stories coming into existence, how many involved a female android with such a crafty system of producing costumes and weaponry?

Then there was “Cutey Honey Flash” which came around the turn of the century and involved a slightly different protagonist with a second “Honey” who adopted a blue costume and hair. I have yet to see more than a few images of this version, as well, but I have not been entirely drawn to the exceptionally slender and “starry-eyed” artistic style of that series, either, which seems to be the first to result in the creation of dolls.

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Cutey Honey F (Flash)

Next came a live-action movie (and a lunch box) which honestly is a sad Power Rangers-ish joke compared to the animated series. While I could see how a superhuman android designed by a human scientist might be dumber than a “smartphone”–and that might make a good angle for future stories about robots built by mankind if it hasn’t already been used to death–seeing Honey as a dumb blonde (with a really bad dye-job given to an actress with naturally dark hair), fumbling through her day and night jobs, ruined my enthusiasm for the character. Had she done a better job of pretending to be dumb in public while reserving a more serious, intelligent persona for her heroics, I might have given the film more credit. [Of course, I would have picked a different actress, too, who would sensibly fit the color scheme. See my list of flaws with the concept.]

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My thoughts, exactly, Eriko Sato.  Huh?  What are you doing looking like that?

[I recall how Blondie, the famous wife of the old comics character Dagwood, was portrayed as a sort of dumb blonde who wasn’t as dumb as you’d expect from the name, and how Marilyn Monroe might have been a bit air-headed at times from appearances but often enough proved she had more wits under the surface.]

cuteyhoney-liveaction-movie-natsuko-kisaragi-spanish-2

Movie Natsuko on the left.  Kisaragi disguised as policewoman on the right.

While the new Natsuko lacked something in terms of personality, making the acting appear rather poor, she was a refreshing alternative to what I’ve seen of her and had a somewhat believable friendly, somewhat more than friendly relationship budding with Honey. Given a better script and acting, this might have turned into something great for future “chapters.” [Natsuko could be like “Chief” in Inspector Gadget but have moments of intimacy in private with the robotic hero(ine) while maintaining a more professional persona when in public or around other agents/officers.]

I thought that movie might be the end of her (at least, for a while). But, like Godzilla, she rises, again, sooner than you might expect.

cuteyhoney-ova-transitionfrommovie_natsuko-1

I discovered an animated series (or mini-series?) in which Natsuko reprises her movie role as the stern yet charming government agent working alongside Honey (whenever they run into each other, at least). I’ve only watched bits of it, so far, so I can’t speak for the whole story or character design. The animation is decent yet more comical–like the original Inspector Gadget–when compared to the first version I saw (the 1990s mini-series). It’s not as dated as the original nor as “starry-eyed” as the “Flash” or “F” series. It feels fairly “fresh” and has a certain 60s live-action Batman feel to it with a touch of Tank Girl’s relationship with Jet.

kisaragi-honey-closeup_cuteyhoneyflash_by-honey-kisaragi1973

And, before I can even get back to looking at more of what I just mentioned, I discover an even newer series. [Or, mini-…just what are each of these incarnations supposed to be? Trials of something bigger that just don’t quite make it for whatever reason? Fan fiction?]

In Cutie Honey Universe, Honey is a student at some school shared by Natsuko (who is a very youthful and somewhat naïve alternative to the previous incarnation and–I am assuming without seeing any episodes–closer to the character from the original 70s series). But, Honey also is linked to some sort of city police force and runs off to fight the forces of Sister Jill who quickly takes on a new twist by becoming a police chief who is killing off her own army of “panthers” and is apparently sly enough to keep her two identities separate though she has less of a disguise than Honey, looking more like Clark Kent/Superman who hid behind a slightly different hairdo, suit and a pair of eyeglasses. [How dumb do we have to be not to notice the chief resembling Jill?]

Aki.Natsuko-student-casualattire-cuteyhoneyuniverse-1

The more youthful and naïve Cutie Honey Universe Natsuko

I’ve watched the first two episodes (as of writing this article). And, while I like the throwback to the 70s style (namely the rather Charlie’s Angels wardrobe and posing of “Breast Claw”) and the same fresh animation that I saw in the previous incarnation–with some new “techno-flair” thrown in during the battle scenes–I am once again bothered by Honey Kisaragi’s “uniform” (not the school one), the abuse some characters face and warrior (Cutie) Honey’s wide array of new weaponry which still seems a bit like the creators are working toward an insanely endless number of abilities which could overwhelm the enduring spirit of the character.

I noticed they also cut back on the foul language and nudity by having Honey change within a sort of bubble (reminding me a bit of the “Network” Mega Man). And, that’s okay…but it does mess with the head a bit when you come to expect the artistic quality of that 1990s mini-series (which, seriously, seems hard to top though the language, blood and nudity pushed the envelope a bit). [It was just so moody, organic and three-dimensional which is saying something when you realize how much 3D animation is computer generated and metallic-looking these days. You could feel the fabrics forming around the heroine instead of watching pixels come together like some video game. Not to mention the video-game-like text that appears (backwards?) when Honey calls upon one of her abilities/weapons.]

The second episode makes an effort to reprise the origin story, which helps.  And, the way Jill claims her “Claws” with roses is decently done.  But, this battle dimension that the show uses makes the whole thing feel more like Mega Man Network than the warrior of love defending the city in the raw, destructive way she was portrayed in the 90s.  [I am guessing this dimension idea was inspired by the battle with Yasho/Yasha in ep. 6 of the “Shin” OVAs (direct to video releases), in which a sort of illusionary field falls over the city, restoring an old park full of mannequins which are then brought to life to fight.  When the fight ends, the illusion falls, and the city is restored, minus the casualties.]  And, there is no explanation for how Honey goes from knowing nothing about herself–even that she’s an android–to suddenly having the ability to pull out an arsenal of weapons to fight enemies she is meeting for the first time.  The new theme music isn’t terrible though loyal fans of the previous series don’t approve of much change.  It’s the poorly cut cinematics of the intro and closing that, to me, seem more rushed and in need of improvement.  There is potential in both, but they need to hone it.

—————————

IN SUMMATION: MY NEW PACKAGING/OUTLOOK ON A FUTURE CUTEY HONEY (SERIES/MOVIE):

1) RECLAIM THE OVERALL APPEARANCE OF THE 1990s MINI-SERIES, giving Honey that same weighted athleticism, feathery hair and mature figure with all of its shading, dimensions and that pink and white outfit, keeping the moody settings, as well, but reducing or limiting the amount of nudity and other “fan service” (including no lengthy and/or oddly placed abusive scenes with whips and tortured cries) to more suggestive instances that still tease viewers but aren’t explicit enough to provoke them into freezing the video frame-by-frame.

I’d also go so far as to say the concept of the drug/capsule distribution could be retained because there was something underhanded about it that seemed to relate to the on-going drug businesses we hear about and had infinite possibilities for variation.

And, while the nudity may have been a bit much, there was something so genuinely satisfying–even occasionally lacking–in how organically those looks Honey had came together and blew apart versus just giving viewers some quick flash of light and/or changing “room,” which also made the character/artistry unique.

2) REPRISE THE 1970s ORIGIN STORY ABOUT HER CREATION (AND FATHER)–if it’s still valued–or create a new one that sticks and is explained soon enough to educate new viewers as well as those of us who’ve seen more of this character story. Do not just play out events and randomly insert bits of a new explanation for why things are the way they are over a lengthy period of time. Maybe start the new series/movie with that backstory…even though that can delay the enjoyment of the new plot. [Or, if nothing else, should a new movie be made and eventually released on some format like DVD, include the origin story as a bonus feature on the disc to inform new viewers.]

3) RETAIN PANTHER ZORA, SISTER JILL AND, MAYBE EVEN, DOLMECK AS MAJOR VILLAINS, along with the assortment of nameless henchmen (which sort of look like Carmen Sandiego’s nameless gang from the DIC 90s cartoon series of that franchise) and a mixed crop of “panthers” (which might go by a different, more general name) from the various series. But, if you reprise these roles, be sure to give sensible explanation for their (re)creation/existence, especially if we are to believe they were ever destroyed. [Perhaps, they come from and return to seeds when they are defeated, able to regenerate in some distant future time if given the proper “fertilizer?”] I’d suggest having the three primary villains either be related or hatched from the same “pod” of some dark origin, possibly a “force of destructive nature” in contrast to “the light of creation.” It might be difficult to conceive all three working together at once unless they have a collective mind, sort of like the Borg of Star Trek fame or those multi-faced judges you see in cartoons like the original Transformers. Maybe they stay in contact but each try taking over different parts of the world? You know, somewhere other than Cosplay City or whatever you call it.

4) OTHER THAN THE ABILITY TO CHANGE APPEARANCES (WITH THE DESIRED COLLAR/DEVICE), LIMIT HONEY’S ARRAY OF WEAPONRY TO HER SWORD, ARMOR MODE** AND BOOMERANG AND EXPLAIN THEIR ORIGIN. Heck, you could even cut her down to just the sword, and I’d likely be okay with it because her only other assets would be the ability to disguise herself and whatever strength is built into her robotic body. Although, can someone explain from where she draws the sword? At the moment, I cannot remember if it comes out of her leg in the 90s mini-series. Even with that magical collar of hers, there’s never an instance where she produces a weapon by drawing matter from her surroundings into her hand; the weapons just seem to appear when she twirls around. While I sort of like the new “shield” or “block” technique she uses in the latest stories…and that DOES complement her having a sword, I suppose…I think she could get by just as well using her wits and whatever is handy (as shields). If the Hulk or some other superhuman character can deflect an attack with a car or street sign, so can she. If you up her array of weapons, it’s just never going to end, and older fans may go mad (not in a good way).

**In regards to the armor mode, let’s keep it closer to an Iron Man suit of armor and less like a lady knight with her chest exposed, even partially (as it appeared in the 90s version). Here’s a concept, what if the intended origin of Cutey Honey was some sort of valiant lady knight of light who had armor, a sword and a shield? Then, she COULD call upon one or all of those as her accessories (or her warrior costume), and there would be a story to them, similar to She-Ra’s sword and its history with Etheria. The armor wouldn’t even have to be an actual suit of armor; maybe her classic red and blue costume could be fortified to repel attacks like the armor and strengthen her punches/kicks with some sort of “accelerator” internal energy source.

5) EITHER GIVE HONEY’S CIVILIAN FORM DARK HAIR OR CHANGE HER NATIONALITY. Especially if you’re going to make another live-action movie. Or, the actors should all wear wigs of crazy, unnatural colors, so there are characters with hair that’s blue, green, pink, etc. Ditch the dye-jobs that just don’t work.

6) RETAIN NATSUKO, CHOKEI AND/OR THE MALE REPORTER/COP CHARACTER AS CLOSE FRIENDS AND ENSURE AT LEAST ONE HAS AN INTIMATE AND FAIRLY PRIVATE RELATIONSHIP WITH HONEY. Decide whether Honey is bisexual (because she genuinely wants to love everyone) or heterosexual (for obvious reasons) and do not tease at every angle about the relationships she keeps. Granted, by not having her become genuinely involved with any character, it is left to our imaginations what they might do together if circumstances were different. But, it is repetitive torture to see a character sigh or speak of a desire to be more with Honey and never have that. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing. If there is a serious, intimate relationship with one or more of the above characters (because she might share intimate moments with each of them, discreetly), it doesn’t have to be very apparent. It might just be mentioned under the breaths of the characters between interactions with others.

[For example, Natsuko mentions what she enjoyed about Honey’s company the previous night, and Honey mutters something about meeting up again to reprise those roles another time just before the two women meet with some police or government official who wishes to speak with them for whatever reason. We know they are intimately linked without seeing them doing anything together. And, if there is no intimacy with a particular male character, for another example, who claims an interest in Honey, she might clarify her indifference with a playful excuse to do something else with her time (rather than date the guy).]

The reporter/cop is clearly mature enough to have that job and adult notions. Though, you could turn him into a kid, I suppose, getting photos for a school newspaper/magazine. As for Natsuko and Chokkei, they could be portrayed a number of ways, depending upon how old they are. I only give this any thought because of how Natsuko has changed in the various versions; and I was rather partial to her late-teen persona in the 1990s version which reminded me a bit of the original cartoon April O’Neil.

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So, maybe Natsuko is a girlfriend of Chokkei who is not quite so young that he can’t have a reasonably legal relationship with Honey, and Natsuko occasionally gets “jealous” of Chokkei’s apparent feelings for Honey not unlike Lum and Shinobu would get about Ataru chasing other women in Urusei Yatsura. Or, Natsuko is a mature neighbor/roommate of Honey’s while Chokkei lives in a nearby house/building and regularly runs into the two women who have an intimate relationship while keeping Chokkei at a friendly distance, trying not to hurt his feelings. Maybe Honey and Chokkei have a genuine relationship they keep discreet; maybe he knows her secret(s) and still interacts with Natsuko, a coworker, classmate or neighbor who can be a bit nosy and maybe take photos…like a reporter (hmm?), working in that angle, sort of combining characters. Or, maybe, Chokkei is lucky enough to have a respectable threesome situation, sharing his time with both Honey and Natsuko who understand each other and how a guy like Chokkei could not choose.

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Now, after saying all of that…and I wrote quite a bit on the subject, I am making this ultimatum. Either I get the chance to work on a future Cutey Honey project and make these adjustments (and any other adjustments) that suit a wider audience (not “mainstreaming” the concept or radically changing major components in a desperate effort to draw a new crowd and offend the older fans) and please me personally to my core…or I will go forth on my own and do one or two things.

1) Write my own Cutey Honey fan fiction (and maybe find a way to create a movie and/or cartoon) that suits my interests.

And/Or,

2) Create a similar story with an original cast of characters which may resemble or tip its hat to Cutey Honey but move in its own direction toward something more sustainable. And, if it surpasses Cutey Honey in longevity and/or fame, it’s just a shame I couldn’t do more to keep the spirit of Cutey Honey alive (as silly as the name might sound to some unfamiliar with the concept).

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And, like I said about what happened after the (first) live-action movie, this character rises from the ashes, AGAIN!  I just discovered a new 2016? 2017? film titled Cutey Honey -Tears- which I just finished viewing.  From the trailers and first ten minutes, it looks like a vast improvement on the previous film!  There have been a few changes I am concerned about at the moment (not including the radically new costume).  And, I’m not sure where they are going with the villainess and the reporter? cop? agent?  Whatever Hayami is in this version.  [For the moment, he’s a reporter.]  I’d be a lil more than just shocked if a wealthy businesswoman lifted me off the ground.  Yet, the film looks and feels essentially like what I’ve been aiming at for Honey’s character.  I’m somewhat excited to see where this goes.  Again, these incarnations pop up under my radar!

Cutey Honey -Tears-

Okay.  So, in short, I give the film 3.5 out of 5 stars.  Possibly 3 stars.  The biggest failings are the fight scenes, but there are also a few odd moments, “traditional” Cutey/Cutie Honey slips (moments when things appear or disappear without explanation) and some poor subtitle translations/grammar.  The actors could have benefited from some choreography lessons.  [Try watching Scarlett Johansson as Black Widow in Iron Man 2, for example.]

On the plus side, Takahiro Miura is a GREAT Seiji Hayami (even if his haircut is a bit crude, not stylish like the cartoon character).  He brings so much to the film; my heart went with him throughout the film.  Mariya Nishiuchi (Honey Kisaragi) is cute, for sure, not the ideal Honey but closer to a Japanese character than the previous Honey incarnations.  She has a wicked, enchanting smile and can just as well give you sick chills when she scowls.  Nicole Ishida is one scary, scrawny villainess, Lady Jiru.

This isn’t anywhere close to the classic Cutie Honey, not very colorful or flirty.  There is nothing supernatural about the enemy; no Panther Zora reincarnated surprises or capsule/rose transformations.  The henchmen are reduced to a drone army and one gun-toting assistant.  Honey’s fighting costume is “toned down” from the original and skimpy on flair, including the tiny hearts which I think could have been bigger.

But, what lacks is replaced with a raw, gritty story that hits home with environmentalists.  This is a sort of wake-up call to hasty garbage management, air pollution and what can happen if we put computers in charge of everything.

The movie touches nicely on the origin story.  Yet, there is no explanation for how Honey learns to change, how she acquired the ability (other than mention of the “condenser”).  The special effects used for the changes are decent if not impressive.  But, the changes themselves are not very impressive.  [And, though the weapons might not be crucial, Honey seemed a bit naked without her sword.]

Thankfully, there is a moment during the rather emotional ending in which we are given a glimmer of hope (for a sequel).  But, it doesn’t make much sense after what just happened.  [Unless I am misunderstanding what just happened, including how Honey/Hitomi wins the fight against Lady Jiru after Seiji enters the room with a laser gun.]

Overall, it’s watchable and worth a second look.  Yet, I see room for improvement and have ideas for how to achieve it.

 

20
Mar
18

Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle, Movie Review

****

Jack Black, Kevin Hart, the lovely Karen Gillan and Dwayne Johnson get in touch with their inner children as they play video game avatar (character) versions of four troubled teens escaping punishment at school in a new spin on the original concept of the 1995 Robin Williams film, Jumanji:  Welcome to the Jungle.  The humor is a bit juvenile, but these ARE kids, after all.  Kids will laugh at the nonsensical violence.  Teens will snort and scoff at the impressions of their age group.  And, adults who remember 1995 and who enjoy console video games will enjoy a few references to the original film as well as the video game nature of the new film.

The story begins with a solitary teen finding the original board game on the beach (where it washed ashore at the end of the first film).  When he tosses this aside (because “no one plays board games anymore”), the game evolves itself and sucks the foolish young man into a cursed console.  Four students, figuring out who they are and where they belong, learn how to work together in some surprising ways and solve the mystery of a neighbor who vanished while eluding a mad treasure hunter’s goons and solving the puzzle built into the game which will ultimately allow them to return to their world.  But, if they die in the game, they cannot return to their world.

I honestly cannot complain about any actor in this film (which may be a first for me).  Each brings their own “game” and earns your interest.  However, Jack Black goes the extra mile by (no spoiler here if you’ve seen enough ads/trailers) playing a girl (in an overweight man’s body).  Karen Gillan is just fabulous (as a person).  This is not her best performance.  Yet, she gets a few “kicks” in for big laughs.  [I really enjoyed the “dance fighting.”]  Dwayne shines when he genuinely sounds like an awkward teen and, sadly, when he knocks anyone into next Tuesday.  Kevin Hart is consistently, mildly amusing in ways you’d expect from him, always pouting about his size.  [That old joke, getting older.]  But, he blends into the group nicely and goes out with a bang.

While this can be enjoyed as a rental or cable TV movie night option, don’t miss your chance to see it on the big screen as some of the visuals are best appreciated larger than life.  Overall, I give it 4 stars out of 5.  I can’t rave about it.  [It’s not the first Jurassic Park.  You know, that “old” 1993 film before Chris Pratt decided to milk the decayed corpse of a velociraptor and someone made a turducken out of a T-Rex.]  There are a few moments that made me raise an “awkward” eyebrow (not the People’s Eyebrow).  But, other than those tidbits, I’d watch this one, again.  The final few minutes strike a nice note, putting the whipped cream on the sundae.

I’ll let you decide if there’s still room for a sequel.

 

06
Mar
18

Black Panther, movie review

****

Chadwick Boseman might be the rightful heir to the throne of Wakanda, aka the Black Panther, but Michael B. Jordan, aka Killmonger, steals the show as a wounded heart and fierce rival in Black Panther, the latest Marvel Studios cash monster.  While this is being pitched as a tremendously ground-breaking film for “blacks” and women, alike, I did not find it that astounding but did find some subtle, convenient political undertones.

I’d like to start off by mentioning I have been a casual Black Panther fan since I could afford a comic book at the local discount book store.  I have three issues of the original comic book series, enough to inspire me to draw countless similar characters for comics I aspired to but never completed.  Even with such a meager collection and knowledge of the character and his enemies, I had my expectations, going into the film.

I expected a down-to-earth, tough-as-nails martial artist/street fighter, a Batman with a cat mask and certain jewelry accessories, facing a crazy dude in a reddish, skin-tight costume with a distinct face/mask design and a megaphone for one of his hands, along with another madman capable of flying like the Vulture from Spider-Man comics/cartoons.

That’s not exactly what I garnered from the ads/trailers, and, thus, was a bit concerned.  But, go figure; it’s been Disney-fied and “updated.”  I didn’t want another juvenile-humor-infused romp in which everything runs on some kind of AI or nanotechnology.  Iron Man could get away with that.  And, I get Wakanda is supposed to be more technologically developed than all other parts of Africa, and then some.  But, Black Panther has always been more of the street/jungle brawler than the wealthy “playboy”/heir to the family fortune.

On the plus side, this movie gets major points for fashion design and its soundtrack.  [Jewelry left something to be desired.]  No other Marvel movie, thus far, has kept me grooving through the whole thing like this one.  I am not much of a RnB or Hip Hop fan.  I didn’t grasp most lyrics.  But, the beats really soothed and carried me along for the ride, all the way through the credits.  Boseman and Nyong’o consistently had slick outfits; Lupita had some nice hairdos and face painting to complement her wardrobe changes.

There was a touch of a Lion King division of “brothers” which bubbled and boiled with tension nicely.  As I said at the beginning, Michael B. Jordan makes one intriguing Killmonger.  Boseman is more of a straight-forward script reader, playing his part to the letter.  But, Jordan is conflicting and conflicted, more tempting to join the dark side than Darth Vader.  He almost convinced me to root for him.

Winston Duke, as M’Baku, the monkey tribe leader, was both amusing and inspiring.  Danai Gurira (Okoye) was fierce and proud enough to play one bad-ass Storm from the X-Men.  Daniel Kaluuya (W’Kabi) and Andy Serkis (Klaue) get respectful nods, as well.

And, what would a Marvel movie be without a Stan Lee cameo?  The man is just priceless, even if his quip and character didn’t “wow” me this time.  [Can anything top the mailman in the first Fantastic Four film?]  I had completely forgotten Jack Kirby had a big hand in the original comic series.  He has been a big source of inspiration for me, as well.

The technology factor was remotely impressive but inadequately explained.  [Or, maybe I was distracted by something/someone.]  It wasn’t as bad as I expected but still rather convenient.  And, the Wakanda fleet of vehicles were mostly silly and alien-looking.  What respectable wealthy nation thinks ships shaped like grasshoppers or locusts is more sane than, say, a simple flying car/pod?  But, cool points for the “car simulator” technology and the voice command? suit that can absorb and reuse energy.

Casting was adequate.  The only weak spot, other than what I’ve already discussed about Boseman, was Martin Freeman, as a rather silly white guy on the set.  He serves one vital purpose in the whole story, and it’s not until the final big conflict.  Beyond that, he’s like that piece of luggage you wish you didn’t need to check at the airport.  [Which is a shame because I usually like Freeman’s work.]  Ironically, I suppose, he takes the “token” spot a “black” actor/actress would have in just about any “white” film.  But, I think a Korean “agent” would have been more fitting, considering Korea was a country of focus in the movie…which is rather convenient, when you consider what’s going on in world politics and the most recent Olympics.  [‘Makes you go “hmm,” doesn’t it?]

Possibly the worst aspect, next to the bug-shaped airships, was the camera work on the fight scenes, other than the big brawl near the end between two armies of warriors.  That was Lord-of-the-Rings-worthy.  But, the casino fight?  There was so much going on at break-neck speed (ha); too hard to follow with the camera.  [Of course, my seat wasn’t the best.  And, I did not anticipate such a full theater.  But, I didn’t go at my usual movie-viewing time, either.]

The movie leaves you with two little scenes during the credits which did nothing for me.  [But, I haven’t seen Civil War, yet, either.  So…]  And, there’s the question about what is really next for the Black Panther after solving juvenile delinquency…well, not quite (and after what becomes of his enemies which I shall leave you to see for yourselves).  [In fact, the condition of the theater I shared with roughly a hundred other viewers, after the movie, was deplorable.  Broken seats and food debris everywhere.  More savage than the Wakanda jungle.  Not a good impression left by a black-dominated audience.  I was the Martin Freeman in the crowd.]

Give Black Panther a try in 3D if you can spare the extra bucks.  If you wait to rent it, be sure to have a big enough screen to appreciate the visuals though they aren’t as impressive as, say, one of the Thor movies.  Many of the scenes are dark and crowded.  Don’t expect to earn “minority cred” for seeing the movie.  Again, it’s not the end-all-be-all film that’s going to boost “blacks” and women into the top one percent of the wealthy.  It’s not going to make the next Denzel or Halle.  [Although, Lupita (Nakia) was rather stimulating…but, so far, she always is (with a slight hint of arrogance in her smile).]

Buy the soundtrack and groove your way to work or school.

On a scale of 1 (lousy) to 5 (awesome), I give Black Panther a 3.5.  Take out Freeman and the bug ships, and I’d maybe bump this up to a 3.75.

And, Lupita?  Call me.  😉




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