Free Pervert Profiling


Setting: We open with an elated young woman (May) joining a female friend (June) for lunch at a small restaurant. [Insert an assortment of clinking plates and silverware.] The latter waits at a small round table for two and gets up to embrace her friend as she approaches with good news practically exploding from her artificially white smile.

[May is a humble gal dressed in a wooly coat adorned with a scarf she knitted herself. Her flats are weathered from plenty of walking and catching buses. June has sold her soul for a bigger salary; thus she is dressed in the latest fashions which cost a fortune but will be completely worthless in less than five years.]

June: So? Tell me. What’s got you so excited this morning?

May: I just found me the perfect boyfriend. He’s the complete package.

Both women take their seats. A waitress appears to collect initial orders for coffee and appetizers. Throwing the departing waitress a casual glance, June returns her full attention to May.

June (whispering): May. There is no such thing as a perfect boyfriend.

May: I beg to differ, June. This one is. I know it.

June: And, have you done a background check on him, yet?

May: What?! I-I’m not that kind of gal. I trust my gut.

June: Well, you can trust your gut to the bank. But, you’re a fool if you don’t, at least, do a quick search online. Just go to www.whosyourdaddy.com and get your free pervert profile. Input everything you think you know about the guy. A trusted professional will do the rest. In no time at all, you’ll know just how perfect this guy really is.”

May removes a surprisingly expensive-looking “smartphone” from her knitted handbag and brings up a search engine.

May: Just go to www.whosyourdaddy.com, ay?

June: It’s totally free. Try it.

May pretends to input what she knows about her new boyfriend in a matter of seconds…because the commercial will end in less than thirty seconds. Upon seeing a discouraging message on a flashing red screen, May sulks.

May: I guess you were right. He’s far from perfect.

June: See? You owe me one.

May: What do I owe ya?

June: For starters, you can buy me lunch. Just kidding. You’re poor.

Both women laugh in a muffled, corny, TV sitcom way as the image freezes.

Announcer: Don’t date Mr. Wrong. Go to www.whosyourdaddy.com and get your free background check, today.

Disclaimer: The image seen on May’s phone is not what you actually see upon inputing data. The previously mentioned website has no information to provide other than what visitors give to it. Thus, your attempts at a background check may result in a 404 apology. There are no trustworthy professionals here. We don’t know the meaning of those words because the majority of our employees don’t even speak English. We are not responsible for your absent-minded use of the internet. All sorts of message and data usage fees will be levied just for fun and profit. But, we will avoid legal action by creating a charity and writing everything off during tax season.


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