Free Loser Rating


Setting: We open with a young man named Ted staring at his cell phone screen in a suburban kitchen early in the morning. His back rests against a sunlit window. An island near his bar stool is littered with breakfast components: a bowl, a spoon, boxes of cereal, a bowl of fruit.

His older brother Kip stops by the family home to do laundry. Seeing the younger sibling wasting time, Kip feels the need to spare Ted from a miserable adulthood.

Kip: So…whatchya doin’, bro?

Ted: Hmm? Oh. I’m just scrolling through feeds about people I know. Well, people I’ve added to my Fbook collection. I’ve never actually met any of them.

Kip: [Sigh] Ted. You don’t want to be a loser all your life. Do you?

A daydream sequence unfolds in Ted’s mind, featuring various ways he could wind up a loser. [We can hammer those out, later, or cut the sequence, entirely.] Bothered by his older brother’s choice of words, Ted temporarily lowers the phone and throws Kip a scornful look.

Ted: What?! I’m not a–

Kip: Teeeed? You are. Don’t believe me? Just go to www.whataloser.com and get your loser rating. It’s totally free.”

Ted hastily thumbs the address into his phone, initially misspelling the name and winding up on a porn site which screws with his WiFi speed while he makes the correction and avoids further criticism from his brother. Ted inputs all of the essential personal data required for proper identity theft and is relieved to see a flashing display confirm he is not a loser. He smiles while showing the screen to Kip.

Ted: See, Kip? I’m not a loser, after all.

Kip is busy scanning the contents of the refrigerator. He hasn’t eaten a decent meal in days. Closing the refrigerator door, Kip turns and frowns in disbelief. He has been trumped.

Kip: Yeah. Well, you’re still a loser in my book.

Ted: And, that’s why we never hang out together.

Both brothers laugh in a muffled, corny, TV sitcom way as the image freezes.

Announcer: Don’t be a loser. Go to www.whataloser.com and get your free loser rating today!

Disclaimer: Use of www.whataloser.com is not free and has nothing to do with actually determining your social status. Some fees and charges may apply. What is the difference between a charge and a fee? It does not matter. We will charge you as we please for taking the bait. And, your personal information will be used to annoy you and drain your bank accounts. Congratulations, you complete loser, for being duped by our televised scam.


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