10
Jul
14

It’s Still Just a T-Shirt (Problems with Modern Man’s Wardrobe Choices)

Here I go (again) griping about heterosexual men’s fashion. I think I go through one of these outbursts every few weeks or so after searching sales flyers/papers for replacements to my damaged/lacking wardrobe only to be presented with the usual options A, B and maybe C. The general points may be the same, but the humor tends to vary with each rant.

I have yet to see–in my life time–anything other than a sweatsuit that really appeals to me. And, even that limited niche of apparel tests my patience for covering my nakedness to appease modern mankind. The rest is just a tired, old assembly line of polos, suits, jeans and t-shirts. No matter what color or print you slap on them, they still “smell” the same.

While I can conform to liking a variety of t-shirts, I can only manage so many “whimsical expressions” before they blur together like too many flavors of ice cream consumed in one sitting. Eventually, they’re just something I put on to cover my body. And, if anyone thinks anything significant about what one displays, I have no enthusiastic response. [Sort of like some folks with tattoos who don’t know what to say anymore about what they had inked on them years ago.] The makers of these garments simply take advantage of mental impulses and faded memories to make a quick buck. Why do I need to own or discard dozens of these things when the interest fades, certain environments don’t approve of them or a lack of space requires the pressing of a button labelled EJECT? [And, considering the alternatives, how many red, blue, green, plaid, floral or striped polo/dress shirts can one guy purchase before he feels like he’s eating raisin bran every day of his ever-growing-longer/shorter life? If you happen to like wearing the same shirt (shape) or eating raisin bran every day, pretend you didn’t just read that.]

[“Gee, I could really go for that beverage I had when I was a kid. Oh, look. There’s a t-shirt displaying an image of that very drink. I must have it. Gee, now I am thirsty and out twenty bucks.” Three years later. “(Name of beverage)?” some observer mutters upon seeing the image on the shirt. “Hmm?” replies the one wearing the shirt. “Oh. Yea. I was a fan…once.”]

Men might as well buy their clothes from soda machines. You get as many (if not more) options picking a soft drink. I have a harder time choosing something from a snack vending machine than I do settling for something to wear. Usually, I need the clothes more than the snacks. The latter barely satisfy me, and the former eventually bore/discourage me.

So, why pay twice or three times the price some other “discount” or “poor man’s” store charges for the same product just because it carries a unique or “trending” name?

[“Oh, good. I see Jessamin Aljazirah, that famous actress, has put out a fashion line with her face and ‘signature’ on it. I liked her in (movie title). I wish I looked like her. She takes care of injured cats and makes diapers that sing my baby to sleep. I’ll buy that for a hundred bucks a piece.”

“I’m too good for THAT store where all the ‘riff raff’ shop. I’ll save myself the spread of germs if I spend a little more shopping at the quiet alternative.”]

What’s sad is when something as basic as a color we like can only be found in a particular store or clothing line while a less expensive store sits with heaps of the same garment in colors that do not appeal to us, at all. Do we spend twice the price or more for the color we like or try to settle for a color that makes us vomit a little inside? Do we feel as good about our expensive purchase when we get a stain that just won’t come out (or one that requires special cleaning) on it? Do we laugh, cry or feel indifferent when we or someone else finds dozens of the same item at a closeout/bargain basement store for a fraction of the price when the original retailer must dump its no-longer-in-season stock somewhere? And, what do we think/do when that bargain basement business no longer charges the cheaper prices after droves of customers dissatisfied elsewhere turn to their stores for help?

I think I’ll design my own line of all-purpose wraps, potato sacks or togas…whatever I decide to call them…dip them in vats of colors like Easter eggs and tell everyone I’m dressed “professcasual,” or “pro-fook-trendy,” should they bother to question my appearance. If I am lucky, I’ll start my own trend, amass a growing staff of computer handlers and become the next flash-in-the-pan rich person before someone else takes me down a peg and wears the crown for a while. At least, I’ll be wearing something that I can approve and adjust to my changing figure/mood. And, it will be cheaper than retail/catalog. But, where will all the PARTY LIKE IT’S 2099 items go?

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