06
Jan
14

Looking for “Repeaters” Like Me

I am just about at wit’s end with something verging on either intense deja vu or psychic ability and am wondering if anyone else out there is experiencing the same “phenomena”.  Surely, I cannot be the only one.  Can I?

Here’s the story.  For about the past three to five years, I’ve been doing, saying and/or drawing things that suddenly trigger “memories” of another time when I did the same.  From customers/tasks at work…to creative projects/drawings/computer videos I assembled…to words with family.  I hear and see “echoes”.  Sometimes, I hear my family criticizing me.  But, they’re not present when I am doing whatever presently.

Recently, I drew a poster/picture and saw myself at an art show with my father and someone scrutinizing my art…but it wasn’t necessarily my art.  It might have been the other person’s artwork, and my father and I were the ones studying it, saying I could have done that.  But, it’s a very familiar picture.  Except, I don’t know this til I start drawing it.  This happened at least five times while starting “new” pictures.  Each time I thought I was trying something new.  Then, I’d sketch a portion and flash “back” to another place and time.  I can remember being in a tough spot with family coming to clear out the room…and I go through these drawings.  Some are inked.  Some are not.  Just as I see them now.

I write emails, and the moment I send them, I see the response (but there is no response…yet).  I can hear myself discussing my discouragement from the response with my sister.

I’ve asked people before about this with great trepidation of being written off as a loon.  My family isn’t the best source of comfort/counsel.  And, just about anyone else I’ve asked doesn’t know what to say, either.

I asked if I should repeat the action or go a different direction.  One person said to go along with the same action.  And, as I said about drawing, I thought I was trying something new until it felt familiar.  But, the other direction led me to another familiar point.

There are philosophies and videos/stories out there that might touch on this…
Religions that speak of reincarnation…
Scientific theories of parallel universes…
Movies like “Groundhog Day” where the man repeats the same day until he “gets it right”…
And, recently, a book by Kate Atkinson called “Life After Life:  A Novel” depicts a woman reliving a life over and over through war times…

I’ve found a few sources that mention how the universe speaks to us, giving us signals and signs we might not always see.  But, the purpose of this “repeating” has yet to be clear to me.  The only thing I can guess is the universe is trying to tell me I am going down the wrong path.  But, if that’s true, then every “direction” I’ve picked thus far is wrong.  I’m not doing what I should be.

Well, that’s fine.  But, must everything I do with my time feel wrong?  Can’t I feel good about SOMETHING?  Because, so far, I don’t really feel good about anything.  Nothing present, anyway.  I don’t feel in control.  I don’t feel stable.  I don’t care what people say about the need to be or appear confident.  I won’t fake what I lack.  Confidence comes with success.  I feel short on successes.

I can remember childhood moments that felt good.  But, much of that period of my life is a blur, too, blanking out bits about family pushing me aside to chat with each other, leaving me to keep myself busy doing things I’d find senseless or boring now.

I hate to waste.  I hate to waste time.  I hate to waste paper and cling to art supplies, hoping whatever they are used for is something great and appreciated.  I don’t like hearing people say they’re “killing” time.  I don’t like expending time and/or energy on people who won’t work with or listen to me and respond fairly.  I don’t like making mistakes.  Period.

I realize my life has been a bit…different…from the “norm”.  And, I won’t likely go into many details about my past or present.  But, perhaps this is a symptom of being “sheltered” a bit…of being solitary so long that my mind has developed this way.  And, no, I don’t think it’s “crazy” of me.  I take this seriously.

So, do you, dear reader, experience or know someone who experiences these “echoes”?  I’d like to know your story/viewpoint.

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