04
Sep
13

Have You Ever Been Deflated By the “Success” of Others?

That about sums it up.

Have you ever felt absolutely deprived of breath and any trace of feeling good by reading of or witnessing someone who has quite simply and amazingly done things YOU wanted without missing a step while you struggle to motivate yourself in the positive way or ways many of these people profess like steam engines that can never say NO or I CAN’T?  Have you ever come across someone so “chipper” and full of life with their future planned out in a perfectly neat little outline?  And, do you then look at your own idea/s of the future like a soggy mess of wet magazine clippings?  Have you ever seen someone basking in the sun with the wind in their hair like a goddess while you stood beneath a dark cloud waiting for it to rain upon you?

That is how I am often and presently feeling.  And, while I’d like to point fingers or sulk, I can’t help feeling like I am doing it to myself.  I am popping my own balloons.  And, I don’t know why I won’t or can’t stop.  Nor can I fathom how to get on that horse, race into traffic and carry on like these free-flying dynamos I encounter more often online than in person.

And, frankly, I am sick of this.  I am sick of myself.  I am tired of everything being overwhelming and making me uncomfortable.  And, the more time passes, the less “acceptable” I feel in this world.   And, I am tired of timidly reaching out only to feel stepped on when someone doesn’t “get me”.  I am tired of working with people younger and older than me with whom I fail to relate as much as those my own age.  I am tired of being viewed as a kid who never will grow up or be taken seriously.  I am tired of worrying I am not adequate for someone I find appealing.   I am tired of worrying about what baggage they may have simply from living a life I have not.

And, I am sick of others turning away for whatever reason.  I feel like a disease.  Yet, I get a number of people who come along and tell me what they all think I could and should be doing.   And, I don’t know how to process it effectively.  I don’t take what I hear and run with it.  I tend to dismiss or put it on a pile.  Yea, maybe someday.

I feel like I missed so many classes and experiences simply because I was afraid to budge.  And, I can’t see any group where I fit.  I don’t have a circle.  And, I know myself well enough to know I’d probably push back out of the circle if I felt I had been roped into one somehow.  I want in…but I don’t want in.  I want to be accepted, liked and loved…but I have a hard time making others feel that way or finding those who are genuinely in the right place and time to appreciate it.  I feel like an underclassman trying to be with one of his teachers.

What is it going to take for me to sort myself out?  What is it going to take for me to “get with the program”?  Am I ever going to break out of my single status mold and find the love I…at least, I THINK I…am seeking?  I just don’t know.  And, time keeps slipping away from me while so many just plow on through traffic like a routine or set of instructions I couldn’t read.  Everyone else sings the chain-gang song while I say NO and try to do things differently.  But, why?  What do I accomplish by NOT being part of the crowd?

 

Sorry, but you can’t just LIKE this or tie a string to it and forget about it while everyone else you might know glances at it, too.  This is my rant.  And, here, you are free/welcome to express your thoughts of it before I retract it.  I just needed to blow off some steam and perhaps be heard by the right “ear” out there.

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