27
Jun
17

Dear Beth Behrs, (Part One)

*****

1118full-beth-behrs

You lovely, troubled blonde beauty who lights the room with her smile and radiant hair (preferably when it’s cut evenly, not too short and not exposing only one ear).

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Yea, not a good look.  The photo up top is much nicer.  Plus, in this photo, you look a little dazed or scared of the camera flashes.

Had I known we were such a match, I would have written sooner.  [You’re a lil on the short side but all right.]

You see, I had this whole thing planned out about 6 years ago when I first saw you don that crazy pearl necklace on 2 Broke Girls.  I was going to ogle–er, court you for a few years to get to know you. Then I was going to propose.  I mean, I had the flowers all picked out and everything…  Buuut, I guess some other guy beat me to the punch last summer.  Typical me.  Too slow.  Too shy.  And, late, again.

Actually, I’ve been fawning over you since the start of 2 Broke Girls but figured you were either too young or already involved with some hunk.  [I had some other predictions, but those shall remain in the vault for now.]

And, when I found the nerve and common sense to look up your birthday, I found some astrology factors that looked favorable.  [VERY favorable.]  I had planned a birthday surprise.  But, every time your birthday came around, I would forget and slap myself to remember the next year.

So, why am I writing this now?  Today?  Carpe diem.  And I thought…what the heck.  Why not?!  Message in a bottle.

Just recently, I learned about you suffering from panic attacks and anxiety since your teens?  What started that?  And, why did I first read about it now?  Anyway, I thought we are a perfect pair of nervous spirits who could play therapist to each other.  That or we’d sink the ship sooner just because we’d both panic and maybe not get to the meditation time and place soon enough.  [I’m not good at taking time to meditate.  But, I frequently use “active meditation” which is essentially daydreaming to unwind.  It can be quite hazardous to both memory and focusing on the moment at hand, which is often frowned upon by authorities like teachers and bosses.]

My eyebrow raised when I read about this horse therapy thing you’ve started…something about survivors of sexual abuse?  I-I-Is that what gave you the panic attacks?  Cuz that is a really particular group to focus on with horse therapy.  Why not social anxiety or the fear of horses?  Why not social media detox (as you wrote somewhere about the practice of letting your “smart” phone go rather than glue yourself to it)?

[FYI I’ve yet to ride one but loooove horses.  And, tigers/cats, squirrels…]

You don’t have to be funny to be sexy (or lovable).  [I prefer “lovable” to “cute.”  You have a certain mature look that sort of eludes the cute factor.]  Nor do you have to pose in skimpy outfits (which do nothing to respect your beauty and spirit).  Or, do you feel you are being “cute” or funny when you pose for that sort of model photography?  You could wear a set of overalls and no makeup, and I am sure you could still be stunning.  And, even when you’re not stunning, you seem quite capable of being charming.  [Although, some of the scripted dialogue I’ve heard you say isn’t very charming or witty.  But, that’s showbiz.]

It’s hard to be funny consistently.  Being funny requires an audience with a compatible sense of humor.  And, being “on” too long or often is a drain on the emotional and mental batteries.  Plus, withdrawal from the spotlight can be a beeyatch.

I imagine it’s hard to be sexy consistently unless you just have that IT factor, unless you’re someone’s type.  So, when I saw you relate being funny to self-confidence, I worried about your “balance.”  It’s like putting faith in a candle.  What happens when the flame goes out?

What SHOULD give you confidence is that you can take command of a room with just a look, a smile.  You have steadfastness in your astrology, particularly Chinese astrology.  There is where you may find that “exquisite hostess at home” energy you claim or desire to have/showcase.  Ironically, I think it would make you a fine caterer.  [If I knew more, I could tell you more.]

I’d like to talk more about a few things, particularly the anxiety/panic matter.  I appreciate what you’ve written about it as it gives me food for thought.  I would do everything I could to alleviate your woes.  But, I see the boyfriend (or fiance) is giving me that look.  So, I should go.  But, it was nice seeing you, again.

[Call me!  Er, drop a note in my email box.  Wink.]

Beth-Behrs-03

[Gorge-e-ous, Caroline Charming.  Although, the skirt could be longer.  🙂 ]

 

01
Jun
17

Nerd or Geek? What’s the Difference?

*****

I can’t remember what late night show brought this up recently, but it stuck out in my mind, demanding I take a whack at the explanation.

When I was a kid, either word was like a scarlet letter on your social status.  If word got around that you were either a geek or nerd, you had little chance of ever getting the best anything out of life other than a score on some video game no “cool kid” had time to play.  But, nowadays, I am okay with being called both words, on occasion.

Here are my personal definitions:

NERD:  A NERD is someone who is remarkably knowledgeable about a particular subject and capable of organizing that knowledge well so it can be referenced at any time.  So organized are nerds that they tend to get miffed if you disrupt their sense of order.

GEEK:  A GEEK is someone who is greatly exited by and/or interested in a particular subject and likely to drool in response to a mere mention of said subject.  Hence the concept of “geeking out.”  [There is no such thing as “nerding out,” as far as I know.]  You don’t have to be as educated as a nerd to be a geek.  And, geeks don’t usually qualify as neat freaks.

In short, geeks drool with excitement.  Nerds do not.  Nerds are more likely to know more about a subject than a geek.

Now you know.  And, that makes you a superstar.  Or, half the battle is won?  I dunno.

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[FYI:  I am somewhere between a Jem geek and a Jem nerd.  I have my info and other resources on the cartoon in decent order and would be bothered by any disruption.  But, I am not so knowledgeable that I can reference every character or episode.  And, on occasion, I’ve been known to drool.  :)]

 

30
May
17

Happy Birthday, Rachael Stirling!

*****


Happy birthday, Rachael!

When I told my doctor I had a crush on Diane Rigg, he asked if I knew she had a daughter close to my age. Doctor who? It doesn’t really matter.

Little did I know–until I did some research–that daughter was you.  Astrologically, we’re not a perfect ten. But, we’ve got some good chemistry and, at least, can see eye-to-eye. I might be playing with fire, but I thought it would be best to let you know A-S-P.

[This little note is also riddled with clues about astrology and TV appearances if you couldn’t already see that. Actually, I saw you on Doctor Who playing a blind woman. I was so intrigued by your presence, I wanted to know more. I have watched many an episode of The Avengers (the original British secret agent series) and have seen a movie in which your mother paired with a doctor played by George C. Scott. I also found you attached to a project called Boy Meets Girl with Martin Freeman. And, the dots slowly connected.]

Rachael Sterling, Gemini Fire Snake, and a hot cup of cocoa

[Alas, I shared my feelings too late.  Someone else has taken your hand.  But, I send good wishes all the same.]

16
May
17

The Tao of Writingbolt

*****

Every now and then, I get a moment of divine inspiration, a little nudge to create something special.  [Some call it “awen.”]  Today, it pushed me to make something like this.

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These are what I’d say are the five points to my being which have formed over time.  A decade or so ago, they may have been different.  I barely knew astrology before I was twenty-eight.  But, I wanted to craft something that centered and represented me.  It forms a sort of tree or Asian calligraphy character.

ART:  Associated with the heart, the core, the earth.  Like a tree, like earth is the base of certain philosophical images, art is at the root (though I’d prefer to place it at the top, reaching for the sky with no limit for potential.  I relate art to therapy (and occasionally dabble in art therapy as a psychology tool).  It’s nursing for the heart, for the soul.  It’s the life force that fuels/inspires most other actions/expressions/output.  It can be connected to martial arts (and yoga), as well.  Though it takes up the least room in the picture, it’s the biggest component.

AEROBICS:  Associated with the wind/breath (though it burns food and woe up like fire).  I didn’t think much of exercise as a kid.  But, as an adult, I see how it fits into the picture.  It used to be the trials of gym class.  Now, it’s a means of relieving stress and subconsciously improving my general well-being.  It’s the physical that balances the mental, emotional and digestive.  And, sometimes it brings that divine inspiration.  Generally, I am a hiker who likes to go “adventuring,” exploring foreign lands of interest, trusting my gut (even though my compass isn’t the best).  I’m not as interested in touring buildings as I am in ruins and relics found in natural setting.  I have equal passions for forests and beaches (but not much love for pollen, bugs or intense heat/sunshine).

ASTROLOGY:  Associated with the mind, a cloud, the sky/stars.  By far, this is no bigger than aerobics/exercise and Ayurveda/nutrition in my life.  But, it has been a key note in my ceaseless pursuit of philosophy and understanding.  It’s a good icebreaker in social/dating situations.  I’m no expert.  But then, we all are continuous students, in a way.  And, strangely, it has benefited me in tasks of memory and creative projects aplenty.

AYURVEDA:  Associated with fire, the combustible (like food), a source of energy and potential problems if not properly attended/balanced.  It’s the most recent point of the figure, something I came across after reading an article in a magazine while returning home on a flight; I later picked up a book on self-therapy which included a good portion about Ayurvedic medicine and nutrition.  And, while I’m quick to reject and slow to accept new philosophies, this one kinda made sense.  It just slipped into place, partly because it did NOT support the common medicine practices of taking pills for your ills.  It was strangely comforting.  A good fire can keep you warm; and the more I read, the more I felt warm inside.

AWEN:  And, at the center of it all, is what may be behind it all, divine inspiration, a gift from above, a complex puzzle box slowly unfolding or coming together to make greater sense.  [Note how two of the hands seem to be giving each other a “fist bump.”  I thought that was a nice, totally coincidental (at first) touch.]

If anyone has any input or questions about the image, feel free to share.  No need to be nervous.  I’d be willing to help you create your own “tao” image, as well, if interested.

And, as I state at the bottom, I didn’t get a clear understanding of the word “tao” from my dictionaries, but it sounded good.  😀  If you can think of a better term for this concept, I’d be glad to hear it.

16
May
17

My Response to “Self-Esteem Issues in Ohio” (Dear Abby)

*****
[Letter titled “Being Lifelong Target of Ridicule Eats at Self-Esteem.]

“Self-Esteem…in Ohio” is in their 30s and coming to terms with social/dating difficulties stemming from a lifetime of ridicule and, quite likely, manipulation, claiming to be more comfortable putting him/her self down than doing what makes him/her happy.

I’d say he/she is in an emotional rut, passing through a sad storm.  Sometimes we write things in the moment we are most emotional and it passes.  Sometimes the problem/feeling lingers.

Dear Abby suggests professional therapy.  I feel this is too easy to recommend without a sound system of assuring the doctor-patient relationship will work.  In a way, finding a good therapist is like dating except more expensive.  Heck, even online dating sites charge less per month to gamble with them.   So, isn’t a therapist asking more than a hundred bucks an hour for you to repeat your life history, before they remotely understand your problems, compounding the problem?

*****

Well, before I get started, I had a flashback to a time not too long ago when I found and visited the Dear Abby archives/website. I found the digital copy of the letter and a loooooooooooooooong line of responses from other people, reminding me of the old chatroom and message board days. There are many who have the same responses and a handful claiming to be in similar shoes. So, anything I could say wouldn’t be much different. And, I am not sure the “discussion” is any better than comments on YouTube, as they may be hard to read/filter.

On that note, I WILL still offer some thoughts and personal experience. After all, I am not a man of few words, usually. And, if I get carried away, it might be too much for the comment trail space. I might get more attention at the source. Yet, this is just as good, writing out my thoughts, self therapy, if nothing else.

If you can handle it, please take the time to read my “radically reduced” response (which, after two drafts, is still quite long). [I am slowly learning to curb myself and save some information for more appropriate, more fruitful settings. The general public viewing space is not the same as controlled group therapy.]

But, if you reader(s) care to sift through the website comments, go HERE.

*****

First off, I was surprised I didn’t think to ask it myself. Are you a man or woman suffering from this? I presumed you were a man like me which prompted me to respond. Some of what you said struck such a resounding tone with my own troubles.

Secondly, as I know I can say more than can fit in a few lines, if you read what I have to say and want to discuss these matters (perhaps more privately), my mailbox is open.

I’ll try to group my thoughts to address various topics…and keep the details brief.

LABELS

I don’t like to say I have a condition or disease as this only makes matters worse than if I simply think of my troubles as clouds overhead which can be diminished or replaced with sun, now and then. Better to think of the bad times as foul weather that will pass, I say.

ESTEEM AND/OR ANXIETY

I don’t consider what I suffer from as low self-esteem but, rather, social anxiety, a fear to engage people beyond a certain trust level. It’s not as bad as a gal I know who freaks out if a guy approaches her to be more than a friend. I can mingle with certain people if the “water” is inviting enough. I typically have little to no trouble talking to people who I don’t consider relationship prospects, but I cannot seem to approach any woman I find attractive. And, if I do begin talking with one who then turns out to be more than I can handle (or fear she will find fault with me), it becomes a real dire situation to get out of the mess. So, I tend to run through the scenario beforehand and avoid even a kind greeting or more than “Hi.” [I set myself up to fail before trying.]

I’ve tried various methods of countering my anxieties. One, which has yet to work well though I love the idea, is delivering thoughts on paper. Rather than speaking with the person directly or trying to get an email address/phone number (as some seem to make appear so easy), I would write my thoughts in a note and pass it to the person or get someone to pass it to the person. I never passed notes in school, ironically. But, I’ve done it on the job (hoping to avoid a boss telling me not to socialize on the job by inviting the person I wanted to speak with to find me after work).

You’ve probably heard the bits about loving yourself before you love another and being comfortable alone, too. I don’t know what to think of these philosophies, but they give me a headache.

I was a kid who spend adequate time alone because Mom and Dad were not available or interested in what I liked to do, other than art, and I couldn’t do art all of the time. [That’s a whole other ball of wax, source of childhood trauma.] I could occupy myself and say I was okay. But, as I matured, I needed some social connection. I had heard “no man is an island” and took it to heart. I just wasn’t very good at getting off my island and joining the natives of another. And, no one was going to show me the ropes without sounding suspicious.

We’ve likely both been “okay” on our own long enough. How long do we have to go alone before we connect with someone? Right? And, how do we define loving ourselves? How do we know we pass the test and can move on to the next step, loving someone else? Who verifies our abilities?

TALKING DOWN ABOUT ONESELF

I don’t recall doing this in my youth. What I do recall wasn’t so much me talking about myself as it was conveying what others had said/done about me. I guess it was my way of taking a punch instead of fighting back. I’m not exactly a fighter, but as the saying goes, “corner a cat and get scratched.” [I’ve had my moments when I lashed back at those who went too far.]

However, as I entered my teens, I started to seriously wonder what was wrong with me. I can relate to what you say about not making yourself happy. For the longest time, I have put up with crap, figuring I could do no better. I would not say I have low standards by any stretch, but I have taken chances without making sure the decision was right in my gut. And, usually, when I don’t follow my desires, I run into trouble. Yet, if I only listened to my inner voice, I’d probably be more anti-social than I already am, because, I suspect, some of the voices inside me have been shoved in there by my family and peers. And, why do I want to listen to them?

THERAPY AND SELF-HELP BOOKS/EXPERTS

Whenever someone has no better advice or assistance to offer, I see this often. “Get professional help.” As if it were so simple. If you’re lucky, insurance may cover some or all of it. But, I doubt it. And, from my experience, it was more harm than help, especially when my family did whatever the professionals prescribed without considering its impact on me. As a minor, I was not to be trusted; I might as well have had rabies or be told I was due to be “put down.” In short, my trust in therapy ended when the last pill I was convinced to take nearly ended my life. When professional help goes that far the wrong way, you either get mad or you die obeying strangers.

I’ve encountered many “self-help” books, too, by self-proclaimed life-experts. I would snort at these quite hastily, wondering what makes anyone an expert on life when they are still living and learning as I am. Especially, if that life expert is younger than me. After all, what is the sense of life experience if someone can live it all before another? Just because one tree figures out how to produce apples faster than another does not make it wiser or all-knowing about fruit production. [This logic might also be applied to the medicine field and how pill manufacturers fail to grasp the concept of every body being potentially different; we can’t all be lab rats just to satisfy someone’s curiosity.]

Maybe I am not being fair. Maybe there are still good therapists in this world. But, I have yet to meet one. And, after my horrible experience, I am inclined to reject the idea.

If you DO consider professional help (in other words, advice and/or assistance from someone outside the circle that knows you already), I hope you can do as much research as possible and defer the expense.

I think therapy works when we accept someone’s way of thinking into our own. I’ve read some self-help books that have fairly good ideas. I just have a hard time trusting my soul to a book instead of someone I can see with my own eyes and hold with my hands. [I suppose this could have people questioning my ability to believe in a god, my religion. After all, what is faith in a god other than trusting stories passed down about someone I cannot see or hold?] So, if you tell yourself to have faith in the words of another, it’s likely you’ll adapt and do your best to make that work.

I guess, because I’ve “been there, done that,” it’s hard for me to trust, again.

Suggestions for countering these problems:

1) Well, I already gave one about labeling conditions/difficulties.

2) As for the lack of confidence to engage others or feel better about ourselves, I wish I could find a good therapy group, if I cannot do better at making friends on my own. I’m not likely to seek such a group out, sadly. I have doubts about therapy and professionals but DO think a group is better than one-on-one.

I had brief experience with group therapy and campfire discussions. But, I could feel, rather quickly, a sense of community. When everyone in the group contributes, there is less likelihood of distrust. You slowly let your guard down and accept not being alone with the problem. I had a good time with my senior (high school) retreat when the group was able to divulge personal trials. Suddenly, those who appeared flawless were just as fragile as I, and I wanted to reach out to them, to hug them. [Sadly, the trip did not end as well as it started.]

HOWEVER, be sure you are in the right group and gauge your experience day-by-day. Because, I was placed with one group who had different problems than my own, and it made no sense for me to spill my emotions to people who could barely speak for themselves and/or comprehend my woes.

3) I have repeatedly tried something over my lifetime which doesn’t exactly accomplish much other than shaking an emotional load off my shoulders. Whenever someone made me feel “less than” or hounded me (like a bully), I would concoct a tall tale. [This probably contributed to some calling me a liar at the wrong time, like the “boy who cried wolf.”] It’s sort of like the advice some give about wild animal encounters; you make yourself look big. That’s what I did without attempting to be cooler or dress differently (as many would do). I talked big and fabricated details, hoping to steer away whatever was looming over me like a plague. It doesn’t necessarily make me feel better about myself, but it helps to steer the threats away.

Consider this a last resort strategy. Some days, I’d just want to get home and unwind. And, I’d tell myself this strategy accomplished the bottom line. It got me out of the line of fire. But, if the problem didn’t stop

4) I like how people describe Conan O’Brien as having “self-deprecating humor.” People like him are able to stay modest and have a sense of humor about themselves, so it’s less likely to get or feel hurt. In some foreign films, you might hear “fight fire with fire” or “counter poison with poison.” Even in common medicine, a vaccine is often a re-built virus used to counter another.

So, rather than simply shoot yourself down, have a sense of humor about your shortcomings. Find a way to turn a negative into a joke. So, at least, if you DO find yourself in an awkward situation, you can make light of it. And, try not to let yourself wonder if your date thinks you suffer from anything just because you make jokes or put yourself down. Don’t double the weight already on your mind.

5) Think outside the dating box. If you view a date in any particular way and figure it’s a hopeless case, try designing a different date (like drawing a new map for how to walk through a park or a new menu for your favorite restaurant). [IE Some expect sex on a third date. I don’t care for this “rule.” I must assure myself I don’t have to follow it and set my own rules. And, if my date doesn’t agree, I don’t have to continue dating that person.  Of course, I may be good at designing, but I lack the drive or self-assurance to put my designs into reality/action.  Which is why I see myself as a good interior decorator.  hehe  I design the room but don’t necessarily have to do all the remodeling.]

I’ll take a chance in saying something about my dating history.  I’ve probably gone on a handful of dates, altogether.  My first date was as much a disaster as it was a relief.  I was once accused of standing someone up and ran into an emotional dispute IN PUBLIC (which I dread) as a result of me pursuing the relationship that, apparently, wasn’t to be.

I do better befriending a person and then trying to arrange times we can hang out together casually, instead of trying to follow some schedule every few days, weeks or months.  [And, the people I usually befriend come from my workplace.  I don’t go to “normal” hangouts to meet people because I don’t have a group of friends to join me.]  I’ve “dated” people through emails and chat rooms before meeting them in person.  I can’t say I’ve had much success, but it certainly feels better getting what you can for free or little money than paying some agency of faceless strangers to hopefully find you a match.  My methods are not conventional.  But, I’m not sending disturbing nude images to people just to get a rise out of them, either (like some who deter people from trying anything online).

6) Exercise is good. I agree with those who recommend exercise for improving psychology and the mood. [Posture and what we do with our hands also play a part.]  I didn’t get it until my twenties. In school, I wasn’t exactly lazy, but I didn’t do anything to “work out” other than play video games and the occasional sport practice by my own rules. I never lifted a weight or ran a mile (which proved to be a cause of great distress and embarrassment). But, once I started walking to get groceries, etc., I found myself melting pounds and stress away. I recommend bringing a headset radio/MP3 player to give yourself something to “suck” on and tune out the traffic. But, if you like walking among nature and listening to every little sound, have at it. I tend to dwell on negative thoughts without my music.

7) Diet may be a factor.  Consider what you eat regularly but don’t guilt yourself for enjoying the occasional comfort food.  A few tips in this area:

a) Moderation is a very important word.  If you find yourself eating a whole bag of chips or candy, stop.  Nor do you need to eat a whole head of lettuce in a day to say you’ve had your veggies.  Have a little of every food group or flavor type, and your taste buds will feel fuller sooner.

b) There are self-help books that talk about how what we eat impacts both physical and mental health.  Look into Ayurvedic medicine, the use of herbs and various food groups to address internal issues like nerves.  I’ve heard pumpkin seeds and shrimp are good for countering nerves, but I’ve seen minor results, at best.

c) Know your body type.  Some people are just genetically built to change weight/shape as the seasons shift.  Some, like me, don’t gain weight much because of a hyper metabolism.  Others are designed to be stout.  Once you know your type, accept it.  [I would presume this is a step to that “self love” requirement, but it’s not often someone will address it this way.]

8) If you haven’t already, consider looking into astrology and figuring out who to avoid, who to approach and what you can do to appeal to those you do approach.  You might be surprised by what clicks with another person, finding new connections/commonalities.  I personally find the subject full of possibilities and creatively inspiring.  But, that may just be because of my “sign.” 🙂

9) When all else fails or seems too complicated, don’t forget to take deep breaths and blow the negative thoughts and clutter from your mind.  I’ve had many bouts with panic attacks.  [Another topic for another time.]  Some nights, I’d go to bed worried I’ll forget something important that just crossed my mind.  I need to have faith and tell myself what matters will be there when I wake.

10) Art is often my therapy.  I can craft in many forms.  There is no specific yoga pose or martial art I have to follow.  I just have to pray for creative inspiration and appreciate it when it comes.  There’s a whole study on the use of mandalas and adult coloring books you might investigate.  Or, try what my family call “doodle challenges” in which one person draws a line or shape, and another (or yourself if you really must do this alone) turns that shape or line into something.  It’s sort of like finding shapes in the clouds.  [This is not directly helpful to dating, but it may be good for clearing the distressful clutter from your mind/heart.]

[I’m sure I’ll think of more and reconsider some of my verbiage in good time.  🙂  Again, if interested, I’m willing to compare notes via email and, eventually, other means.]

 

I normally copy this to a special blog page I created as an archive.  But, it doesn’t seem to be working, today, in case anyone wonders why the response isn’t there (or the link here).]

15
May
17

Web of Weird, Costumed “Superheroes” Making Internet Madness

****
Where in the USA is this apparent cul-de-sac of costume collectors who buy every version of Spider-Man and Elsa on the rack and make countless online videos? What pocket of Silicon Valley hides these merchants of kiddy porn? It’s a web of weirdness.

I think I figured something out, though. The reason there are so many “Spider-Men” and Elsas in what appears to be a perpetually balmy state (no snow or autumn leaves in sight) is because those characters reside in colder climates. Spider-Man is a New York-born hero. I suspect these costumes are on clearance racks or dirt cheap on the west coast. [Just like NFL team merchandise for a southern team is cheaper way up north than it is in the home state.] Am I right?

And, what is the deal with all of these “surprise egg” videos that feature parents filming their spoiled kids unpacking an entire toy line in a single day? What value does any of this stuff have to these kids when they come to expect a shopping cart load every time Daddy or Mommy decides to dress them up and capture them on their “smartphone” or video camera? Or, are these just the kids of parents who work for toy companies, getting a dumpster full of freebies/samples?

Have I ranted about this, before?

My nephews often enough find themselves glued to these things. And, while I am all for costume parties with good taste, there is something a bit weird and…lazy?…about seeing grown people doing odd things in costume with special effects and props… I have one four-year old nephew who is already displaying a particular interest in older women, thanks to many a Spider-Girl and Elsa.

You like that, ladies? You like extremely younger men ogling you?

I was one, once. But, I only became infatuated once a week or month, if that. I didn’t have access to an endless supply of internet gratification (which, I would say, is not far off from those who obsessively watch porn).

My nephews can get Mommy’s phone-computer just about any time they want and look this stuff up. It’s so easy for them to do. Thanks, wireless convenience.

I suppose these videos might be made over a long period of time and are first coming to my attention. Maybe these people make one a year or one a month. Maybe they save up and work on the plot over a series of meetings between their “day jobs.”

Maybe I am a tad jealous I don’t have those special friends with which I could make similar videos. Then again, why be so juvenile or risk appearing freakish online for no gain other than some invisible “click” currency when I could be applying my talents and interest in costumes to bigger projects…liiike an actual feature film someone might buy a ticket to see?

Seeing my nephews scroll through and watch these repeatedly, I can’t help becoming agitated and wondering if there isn’t some special stretch of road in California where people get together in costume and do nothing but concoct weird plots to play out on the street and in their homes.

I picture an entire suburban L.A. block of homes shaded by palm trees and infested with people dressed as Spider-Man, Spider-Girl and Venom. On the next street, you might find Batman, the Joker and some kids in police uniforms with their Power Wheels vehicles in sight. And, somewhere in the middle, there’s a single apartment building where a few Elsas live, waiting to be summoned to star in one of these videos. [Who’d have thunk the most recent feature princess of sorts would become such a costume craze, almost a fetish.] When they’re not in costume, they’re wearing pajamas and living on bowl after bowl of Captain Crunch cereal. All of their furniture is either inherited or inflatable. The probably bathe in ball pits and brush their teeth with glittery Disney or Nickelodeon toothpaste.

And, breathe.

Okay, ‘got that out of my system. Moving on.

15
May
17

Carmen-Sandiego-inspired! New and Old Lyrics to an Old PBS Delight

*****

So, about two weeks ago, SNL (Saturday Night Live) featured a Carmen-Sandiego-inspired mini-skit about a certain dubious political character.  It struck my funny bone so hard that I “geeked out,” reminiscing about the 90s and what was once a darn good PBS game show for kids (and geographically-challenged adults).  Not only did the show feature a mental challenge (and, for some contestants, a physical one); it also introduced a musical group known as Rockapella which, I think, sparked a serious a cappella movement (when they weren’t injecting humorous bits that may have flown over the heads of kids).

[I also heard about other projects through the grapevine.  There was some blurb about an adult Carmen movie?  Not sure I want to hear more about that.  And, there might be some kind of new Carmen Sandiego project, possibly a web series with Gina Rodriguez attached.  If it is a revitalization of that old PBS game show or the decent yet reasonably goofy cartoon series, maybe the creators would appreciate/respect my new lyrics.  Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.  😀 ]

So inspired was I, watching some episodes anew and inspired online videos, that I couldn’t help crafting a whole new set of lyrics to the show’s theme song!  I have left some bits in parentheses because I wasn’t sure how they fit.  [Input appreciated.]

AND (hearing myself sound like Lynn Thigpen as she described prize packages), some simple Carmen Sandiego calling cards.

Check ’em out and tell me whatchya think.  [I’ll also post my version of the original Rockapella lyrics.]

************

My own lyrics to add/fit in:

(first verse)

She got the cops on the run while Roman with the Coliseum.
‘Left them…on a walkabout as she strolled down to Sydney.
‘Dropped a Rio Grande in Vegas and then ran out of De Janeiro.
Tell me…

(Chorus/Hook)

Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?
Whoa-oh, where can she be?

(second verse)

Say ciao to your leaning tower; kiss your Taj Mahal Mumbai.
(You) Can’t slow her down when she’s on…one of her crime sprees.
Teaching you a history lesson is the Big Apple of her aye-aye.
Tell me…

Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

(slow traveling section, IE Nashville to Norway, etc.)

She snatched the Red Square from Moscow, the Triangle from Bermuda,
While drawing circles ’round the pyramids of (Egypt and) Peru!

(scat sections)

Now, tell me where!
(softer second voice: …is Carmen Sandiego?)
Tell me where!
(softer second voice: …is Carmen Sandiego?)

Hire a henchman or two…!
To drop another clue!
That’s what you…didgeridoo…!
When Crimenet is after you!

(third verse)

She can bank on New Guinea, run off with Old Milwaukee,
Tear up Main Street and…shut down L.A.
What you’re left with is…right where it should be.
Tell me…

Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

(fourth verse)

She grabbed Java, Indonesia, had tea with the Queen,
Scarfed some waffles in Brussels…topped with whipped cream,
Before she pilfered Parma and some vanilla bean.
Tell me…

Where in the world i-I-i-Is Carmen Sandiego?!

(scat)

Where in the wor-orld!
(softer second voice: …is Carmen Sandiego?)
Where in the wor-orld!
(softer second voice: …is Carmen Sandiego?)
Where in the world! Where in the world! Where in the world!
(softer second voice: …is Carmen Sandiego?)

Until next crime, detectives.

carmen-sandiego-fromVILEcommand-WiTICS-PBS-circa-1995_callingcard-850450-ap-2C

************

And, lastly, the original Rockapella lyrics from the PBS game show.  [Pardon my variation of contractions, etc., if that bothers you.]

Well, she sneaks around the world from Kiev to Carolina;
She’s a sticky-fingered filcher from Berlin down to Belize.
She will take you for a ride on a slow boat to China.
Tell me…

Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?
Tell me where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?
Whoa-oh, tell me where in the world can she be?

Steal their Seoul in South Korea;
Make Antarctica cry “uncle.”
From the Red Sea to Greenland, they’ll be…singing the blues.
Well, they never Arkansas her steal the Mekong from the jungle.
Tell me…

She goes from Nashville to Norway, Bonaire to Zimbabwe,
Chicago to Czech and Slovakia and back!

Well, she will ransack Pakistan and run a scam in Scandinavia.
Then she will stick ’em up down under and go…pick-pocket Perth.
She put the “miss” in misdemeanor when she stole the beans from Lima.
Tell me…

Botswana to Thailand, Milan via Amsterdam,
Mali to Bali, Ohio, OaHU!…….

The warrant!…The warrant…The warrant!…

Ooooh, the chaaase…ooh-woo-woo-woooo, the chaaase…

Monday through Friday at five!

Well, she glides around the globe,
And she will flim-flam every nation.
She’s a double-dealing diva with a taste for thievery.
Her itinerary’s loaded with moving violations.
Tell me…

Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego? (x5)
Watch your back!

 




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