Article titled: I can’t stop chasing ‘impressive’ men, Ask Carolyn Hax, 8-16-2020
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You can find my response to this and other letters on the designated “Responses” page. But, while you’re here, have a read.
This Anonymous, who I shall refer to as Impressive Anonymous, is a woman in her late 30s who has dated a string of “impressive” men, usually younger, attractive and financially successful guys who indulge her to a point before declaring they are unfit to continue the relationships.
Carolyn suggests therapy, re-defining “successful” and “impressive” to find alternatives and simply not looking so intensely to open oneself to more self-satisfying companionship in other areas of interest.
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Impressive Anonymous, I am quickly intrigued and mildly attracted to your case, though I find the thought of “successful, handsome men” somewhat repulsive as it stimulates visions of some bad reality TV show about “hooking up” in a hurry and “finding love” when marriage is the last thing the contestants seem able to achieve. [Why? I wager public intimacy is a big handicap. There is a reason privacy is important. How many of those magical proposal moments actually happen in the view of thousands or millions of strangers? Not many, I presume.]
Now, first off, you must be worth SOMETHING to these handsome, successful men if you manage to achieve a temporary relationship status with them. So, perhaps, you are exceptionally attractive or successful in some way you fail to state. What DO you have to offer these impressive, successful, handsome men? I am eager to know.
If you have any legitimate reason to lack self-esteem, can you name this/these factor(s)? And, is there any chance some doubt you refuse to let go causes your relationships to fail? [That might be the area where Carolyn felt therapy could help.] Is there some way you relentlessly shoot yourself in the foot that might turn someone off? Maybe they get tired of you saying “sorry” for every little thing because you’re just so gosh darn apologetic?
If these impressive, successful, handsome men keep towing you along for…what exact length of time, here?…just to cut you loose at a similar moment, giving you a bad case of deja vu, is there any chance you might be “arm candy?” Are you the beautiful former model type who escorts these impressive, successful, handsome men to various galas, for business and/or pleasure, and serves as a respected companion but never receives the emotional connection you desire?
[And, dare I ask, is there “intimacy” involved in these relationships? Are you having sex but not “making love” in the most ideal sense of the experience? I just suspect there is a lack of emotional sustenance to feed your spiritual contentment while you seem consumed with the pursuit of good looks and financial greatness.]
But, wait. You say “having to end things after they tell me they aren’t in the right place to be in a relationship.” YOU end things? YOU end these relationships when the impressive, successful, handsome men finally get the marital-future-negating response through your head? Are you truly in the driver seat with this? Or, are you left to assume you are making the decision after these men have their way with you?
To be quite honest, you don’t have to date an impressive, successful or even remotely handsome guy to encounter this situation. You can date a completely irresponsible, financially strapped slob and arrive at the same disappointing destination. If you let any man have you for breakfast and then cast you aside when he’s full, maybe it’s time you stop feeding THEM.
You might think this is some twisted, distressful withdrawal tactic that won’t do your goal of marriage (or, at least, an enduring, dreamy relationship full of emotional connection and reliability) any good. Proceeding through the stages of the relationship without giving the man what he calls for (like good ol’ King Cole called for his pipe, bowl, etc.) on command might be a benefit and self-preservation method worth trying. Some guys–I am not sure if they are necessarily impressive, successful and/or handsome–are turned on by the old “playing hard to get.” Others, even myself at some point, will grow tired of any form of denial and decide to end the relationship.
But, which is better? Giving everything you have to offer to every man you fall for just to get left in a lurch? Or, establishing a balanced give-and-take and withholding certain intimacies until you are sure the relationship is on course with your desires? [Again, I suspect part of your failure comes from/with giving more of yourself than the impressive, successful, handsome man offers in return…which you then somehow turn into a reason to doubt yourself.
This has me thinking of the pretty model or young actress who gets in a steamy relationship with some producer, agent or manager in hopes of advancing her own career, only to later find herself in an emotional and literal gutter and on the verge of some very deadly habit.]
You must either be naïve or very durable to engage so many relationships the same way and never tire of the steps. I would think, after three or four of these impressive, successful, handsome failures, that I’d get a clue and change my course of action. If not, exactly how emotionally invested are/were you? I could not maintain such a string of relationships without being somewhat emotionally distant and, perhaps, self-serving. Could you be leaving out some information about what YOU take from the relationships which might contribute to these impressive, successful, handsome men realizing you’re more of a leech than a partner?
You also use the words “whether it’s because they don’t want me or because they falsely feed my self-esteem” as reason for being attracted to these impressive, successful, handsome men.
I, myself, have a mild attraction to women who don’t seem immediately interested in me. It might be a Sagittarius aspect, the thrill of the hunt, though I don’t consider myself much of a hunter…certainly not an impressive or successful one. I’ll leave the handsome part to your opinion. I knew a few girls in high school who were somewhat “snooty” and/or “out of my league,” yet I saw them as potential partners worth hunting, hoping prolonged effort would win them over (if peer pressure would just leave us alone and stop the gossip trail). I was a fool for pursuing some. Others proved they had more dimensions to them than what they wore on their sleeves; and this would surprise most in the class if they took the time to get to know these people. But, ultimately, none of these prospects wound up with me. Who knows where they are now. [I will not stalk them on Fbook.]
This steers me toward the notion that you are, indeed, a former model or someone who makes superficial/financial use of her own good looks, in some way, someone who maybe hosts a company event at some hotel or stands by expensive cars her boss wants to sell. That, or you have that complex that turns “hard to get” into “I’ll do whatever it takes and take what I can get” which no man, successful or not, can eventually resist. So, it’s not YOU the men are really taking with them, it’s your low self-esteem-fueled body they are using like a to-go cup from a coffee shop. Who wouldn’t turn down a freebie like you?
Are you pushing these impressive, successful, handsome men to date you until they say yes? Or, do you wait in some baited spot for them to pop the question and then let flimsy compliments and casual requests steer your every move, allowing yourself to imagine this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship?
Going back to the start of your letter–at least, how it is printed in the newspaper–there is a glaring typo where you mention something about not being attracted to those interested in…you? You are not interested in pursuing relationships with men who approach YOU? Is that what you are saying? So, you, in some way, see yourself as the huntress and feel the need to make the first move?…that’s…actually…quite attractive, to me. Refreshing. Yet, if you are anything like those girls I felt slighted by in high school, I get the feeling I’d see you scanning the “room” for impressive, successful, handsome men; and you’d completely overlook me (or, at most, give one of those icy glares and shake your head).
[‘Low self-esteem on my part? Eh. Maybe. Or, I just have more realistic expectations while seeing both the positive and negative possibilities. Expect the worst but hope for the best. I’d hope you would be the type I’d find attractive and break your pattern of lousy relationships. But, it’s just as if not more likely we would not connect; so I must be prepared to move on and look the other way.]
You say one particular relationship…when you were how young?…traumatized you in some way, set you on this course of repeating mistakes? You say this guy was “spectacular” and “loved you” but was “completely emotionally unavailable.” Any half-witted therapist would likely process that information as you being blind to the truth. How can any guy be a spectacular lover without emotional…oh…oh. Wait. Was this a case of the handsome guy who is good for sex but nothing else? Were you “on call” with him? If he was completely emotionally unavailable, I doubt you two were even good friends. [I suddenly picture Eva Longoria pursuing the gardener in Desperate Housewives; she seems like the sort to chase a younger, handsome guy in some hope of acquiring “eternal youth.”]
Any person I’ve befriended, friendship being an important part of establishing an enduring relationship, had to be, at least, somewhat emotionally responsive and sensitive to my feelings and needs. The playful, aloof sort who never show any clear signs they are sympathetic don’t get far with me, even if I am completely smitten with their charms. After all, I am not one who is able to deny my desires for emotional connection for long. I tend to be more emotional than the conventional man, which seems to turn off my own family and most if not all of my coworkers who lack empathy. Alas, good friendships have been hard to find, regardless of my apprehension toward failure. So, there’s not even a root upon which to build a relationship. [But, I keep trying, in small, often foolish ways.]
So many questions. So many possible answers.
In short–ha, after my not-too-impressive long string of thoughts which is probably longer than your average relationship–your letter to Carolyn seems to be more of an emotional outburst than an organized assessment of the whole picture. You’ve merely voiced frustration with a pattern of impressive, successful, handsome men, which says very little about you and the relationships, only suggesting possible circumstances and reasoning. My assessment of you being put out of these relationships seems to lean toward the men being full-on with their pursuit of the “success” you so frequently long for and, thus, unable to jump into any commitment which would hinder that advancement. I imagine some celebrities find themselves in similar hardships, unable to marry or even date “outside the business,” often swept up in a relationship with a co-star, whether or not that lasts. That would be the least emotionally-involved explanation. Otherwise, there is more going on here than meets the page.
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Phew! And, breathe.
It may be foolish for me to even suggest, but, if you find it within your adventuress (intentionally replacing “adventurous”) self to read this response and investigate this witty, intellectual, creative soul, without much success to laud upon and a few years ahead of you, rather than behind, drop a letter in my mailbox. Would you? I am, at least, curious enough to indulge conversation and get a chance to better understand you. Let’s start there. Hmm?
